ARTIFICIAL SMILES; (THE TRASH BUTTON)

Following last night’s blog, I am now, this morning, very much, hurting, upset, aching and guilty about what I expressed. I was so aggressive! Where did all that anger come from? It’s not like me to express myself as I did, to rant and rage to that extreme. I am writing this in shame and trying hard to resist the temptation of  hitting the Trash button. I am feeling very guilty for ‘attacking’ my own flesh and blood in that way. I am shocked about how I could say such things even though they are the honest truth. But I feel my children have abandoned me. They are totally and openly rejecting me. I have been discarded, like a bag of kitchen rubbish tossed into the bin to rot till someone takes it away and dumps it somewhere….anywhere….on the trash heap.

The weaker side of me so wants to trash last night’s post but the stronger side of me is saying that I have a right to be heard.

Damn it, I cut myself last night…..how do I explain that one when my carers get me washed and dressed and notice the angry, red wounds on my arms? They are aware I have healed scars but never fresh marks. I feel so ashamed. Why the hell did I go and do that yet I barely remember the actions I took in my pain and despair. I am watching the clock and trying to think up excuses before they arrive. I hurt so much, I hurt so badly that I feel physical pain in my body far more than usual; pain in my heart, sick to the stomach. 

(My carer has been and gone. She saw my arm. She saw I was upset. I couldn’t hide either. She says she has to report me to the office when she goes back. I feel like a naughty schoolchild about to be sent to be reprimanded by the Headmaster).

Oh God! What a mess! I feel like sh*t inside, yet I know I will go to my new church this morning, full of artificial smiles and joyful exclamations of “Yes, I’m fine, thank you”. I am very, very far from fine.

 

 

 

RANT – PREJUDICE AND DISCRIMINATION WITHIN THE FAMILY

Well……..This isn’t poetry or anything cleverly or attractively worded! This isn’t about my past experiences. This is a rant and about me feeling so p*ssed off!

I’ve just spoken to my sister who tells me that my daughter *Claire* doesn’t want anything to do with me because…. a) I have mental health problems, b) I am disabled, and c) because I choose to have a decorative cross on my living room wall, (pictured here), thereby ‘stating‘ I am a Christian!!

disabled people slogan             My beautiful cross from J & J            mental health

All this time, she’s been making excuses not to come and see with my two young granddaughters and now I found out it’s all about discrimination or being ‘different’! I am fuming…..I am so f#*$ing angry! (And yes, I know that’s not a very Christian word to say and that I should forgive her but at the moment I am hurting too much). She is basically ashamed of me and would rather not have anything to do with me or for me to be her Mum!! She objects because she doesn’t want her children to be aware of such differences! That’s not what I taught her when she was young so where did that come from?! Children needed to be educated about ‘differences’ in people, be it class, race, sexuality, faith, disability….whatever; not being taught how to be prejudiced and discriminatory. How would it go down, I wonder, if I purchased a copy of this book and sent it to her:

kids guide discrimation

…….Not too well, I should imagine!! And  perhaps I should send a copy to my son, *Tom*, while I’m at it as he shares exactly the same views, hence I don’t see my littlest granddaughter and I doubt I shall ever see the new baby due at Christmas :((

For goodness sake, it takes all sorts to make the world and I always say, providing nobody gets hurt, then ‘each to their own‘ and we should respect other people for who they are, not for what their label is…

don't label me

If it hadn’t been for my carers coming early and getting me into my pyjamas, I’d have gone out in my wheelchair and bought a bottle of something but I’ve been clean and sober for more than two years now, so that wouldn’t have been too clever. On the other hand, I haven’t coped with this too well as I have self-harmed, cutting my arm for the first time in nearly three years so sh*t, I’m not exactly proud of myself. And if my children knew; well, that would give them more ammunition.

And just to cap it all, it’s my birthday on Wednesday and I very much doubt I’ll get a card, let alone a phone call from either of them. Fortunately, I am meeting a new friend that day, for lunch so will have a lovely time, family or no family.

I don’t have therapy till Tuesday….how do I deal with this amount of rage and anger without doing myself any more damage?!

DEATH BY CIRCUMSTANCE

Dense black mucous

seeps through every pore

of my scarred skin

through every hair follicle

coating each strand thickly

A river of hot bitumen floods

my veins and arteries

I cannot breathe with

my lungs as sponges

suffocated by filthy grime

reaching my heart

filling it with sticky tar

My brain is flushed with soot

My mind is black

All has ceased

Death

black leaf

Hate and Love.

Ellie Sofia:

I too, understand these feelings so well. Thank you for writing this so eloquently and beautifully xxx

Originally posted on Shedding Light on Darkness:

I do what I can to avoid news as much as possible, I have enough going on.. yet unless I shut myself away and never leave the house, I am going to come across some of it sometimes.

Death, destruction, rape, war- so many people dying, famine, disease, persecution. Doesn’t it make you ache?

I have been so bitter the last few days, bitter and angry. Hating God and hating the world around me. I am somewhat upset with myself for that now.

I know I am entitled to feel what I feel, but what kind of person am I if I carry rage in my heart? I don’t want to add more hate to a world already consumed by it.

It’s not who I am or who I want to be. I love, I care, I put everyone in front of me, perhaps sometimes to my own detriment, nonetheless, it…

View original 260 more words

CONTAGIOUS?

the darkness

What do I write when I suddenly feel so dark inside;
when a veil has been drawn over my face
so no-one outside of me really knows how I feel?
And no-one seems to want to know.
“She’s just in one of her ‘funny’ moods today”, they comment,
not seeing the tremendous pain I am in.

Everything is black. I can see no light and yet,
yesterday my life was bursting with love and joy
and I was on top of the world. Then suddenly,
I find myself plummeting headlong, back into the abyss.
The sun may be shining outside but I have my eyes closed
because I cannot bear the pain of opening them.

Today, I cannot see the sun, nor the moon or the stars
I want to hurt myself to feel the physical pain
because the emotional pain inside is just too much to bear.
I’d would die for the want of a hug, yet
I don’t want you to touch me
Just in case I am contagious. 

JUST STOPPIN’ BY TO SAY HELLO!

Saturday

Well, it’s been a long time, hasn’t it….I’m sorry I’ve not kept in touch for so long. I am….

a) fighting for a computer to use and and still at war with HP over whether they will repair my beloved laptop.

b)  having to manage to write when I have the rare opportunity on this thumping old dinosaur that weighs a ton! I’ve called it      ‘Triceratops’. I’ve also named my new wheelchair ‘Charlie’ (female)….no idea why that came to mind; I’ve named my              stair-lift ‘Brian’ because it’s so slow (after Brian the snail in the Magic Roundabout).

brian-the-snail

I’ve also been battling with by BPD madness, and my PTSD isn’t great at the moment either. It’s all not being helped by the fact that I have a lot of major changes to deal with at the moment, which have come all at once and I’m really not very good at all when it comes to dealing with change. I’m still in the process of looking to find another church that I will really feel comfortable in so am going to a third new one to visit tomorrow morning. Also, I’m trying to change my Care Company as I am now not happy where I am and they cannot accommodate my needs anymore. This means trying to get it all processed through Social Services who are notoriously slow at doing anything including getting back to me with information I have asked for urgently.

As for my children; well, hard though it may sound and even harder though it may be, I’m slowing giving up any hope that I will see them or my my grandchildren ever again. The six weeks school Summer Holiday has more or less gone by now and so much for the promises to come and see me in that time!! My heart is breaking.

My mobile phone company managed to wipe all my contacts off my phone and then lost the SIM card so I had no way of retrieving any information. I was furious and extremely panicky, having lost all control over my main communication device; (thank you very much, Tesco’s!). Needless to say, I left Tesco’s and joined the ranks of Vodafone who I’m hoping will give me a better quality of service…It can hardly be worse. Now, I just have to remember everyone of those people and friends who were on my mobile list….plus all their phone numbers etc. Anybody got a magic wand laying about that I could borrow for a while?

Sunday

Well, at last good news! I think I’ve found my new spiritual home – a small, family church, tucked away somewhere in the back roads, about half an hour away on my electric wheelchair. I was welcomed so warmly and enjoyed the service so much and found it all very memorable morning. I am so pleased. I feel like a spiritual weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Praise God.

Sp Pk Baptist Church

On the downside, I’ve just had a row with the so-called Manager of my Care Company. I am not difficult to please….all I ask for is an early morning call so that I can be up and ready to go to church, college etc. Is that really too much to ask? I’m flexible the rest of the time. It’s so frustrating – yes, I may be very disabled and yes, I have mental health problems but does that really mean I’m not allowed to live a life as near to normal as I am  able to and am capable of?!

I loved Summer College….learned so much and made some good new friends. Can’t wait for the Autumn Term to start which begins in two weeks time. I’ve always wanted to go back into a learning environment and this is just what I need at this stage in my life.

Well, I’m off to snuggle up under my nice warm duvet as we are having winter temperatures and it’s still August! Where did summer go? I blinked and missed it. Tomorrow, we have a weather warning in place for heavy rain and gales – typical August Bank Holiday in the UK. Glad I don’t have to go out, apart from which ‘Charlie’ nearly ran out of juice just before I got home this morning. It barely crawled up the hill to my house, limped over the door threshold and protested till I parked it in the hallway and put it on charge. Not much chance of going out till Tuesday then!

I really will try and start looking at some of your blogs again, my blogging friends. I know I have got way behind with all your news and stuff but I hope I haven’t offended anyone and have been wondering how you were all getting on in your lives. It’s good to be back!

TECHNOLOGY MELTDOWN

Dear Friends,

I’m declaring war on technology for at least this weekend! Or rather, it’s declaring war on me….

HP_SpectreXT

My lovely new, trusted friend, my HP Ultrabook, has died and gone to the HP hospital in the hope they can resuscitate it! I am currently typing on an old dinosaur of a computer that is too heavy for me to lift and the keys are difficult for me to press down so I’m not going to battle with it any longer.

Old-laptop-006

So, this is just a brief ‘au revoir’ post to say I apologize if I don’t ‘Like’, ‘Comment’ or even read your blogs, for a short while, my friends. It’s nothing personal so please don’t take it as such. I won’t even be able to get email notification that you have posted any so sorry too if I miss anyone out either during or on my return from my technology vacation. My Tablet doesn’t work; I don’t possess an iPhone and my trusty old Nokia mobile phone only has text and phone facilities on it! Yes, it is old.

So, I’m taking a break. The TV is going off. The music playing on the CD, stopped. No daily news. Just quiet.

And in the silence, to which I am very unaccustomed, I am just going to enjoy the peace and spend my time catching up on half-read books and starting new ones and spending time with the Lord.

open bible

So bless you all and I will see you all on my return.

Hugs, Ellie xxx :)

RIDING THE ROLLERCOASTER

Having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), mine being in the ‘Emotionally Unstable’ category, is like living life on a rollercoaster! Up and down…high and low…black and white…happy and s.. (no, I won’t use the word ‘sad’ as what I actually means is, desperately unhappy) and all of it, like a rollercoaster, is so damn scary! I’ve had enough! I wanna get off now! I’m exhausted! My thoughts are all over the place…mostly making no sense at all; pointless, why bother, what for? All, rather like I feel about the rollercoaster.

My mood changes umpteen times a day and is totally unpredictable. I never what’s going to hit next! One minute, I’m fine, everything’s ‘cool’. I know I can cope with college; I know I can manage to keep up with writing my book; I know changing my church is the right thing to do; I positively know my children will come back to me one day.

Now, everything’s turned upside-down, on its head! College is too much…I won’t get good grades; I’ll never get my book finished and it’s rubbish anyway; how can I change my church after being there eight years….how disloyal is that? I’ll never see my children or grandchildren again, (and just in the unlikely event that you ever get to read this, this is for you, Tom* and Claire* with special love for my three and one-on-the-way little ones). Knowing it’s all hopeless.

I am never not thinking of you

Positive. Negative. Black. White. Up. Down. In. Out. Happy. Desperate. Hopeful. Hopeless. Optimistic. Pessimistic. Love. Hate. Just like a rollercoaster.

rollercoaster

It’s too much. It’s all too much sometimes and I start thinking damaging, self-sabotaging thoughts about myself. I don’t want to be here…on this planet…in this solar system.

Five minutes later, I am as high as a kite! Of course I’ll get good grades at college; I will easily finish writing my book before the deadline; I’ll be so happy at my new church – it’s what I’ve been looking for for years, can’t wait for Sunday; I’ll definitely see my kids and grandkids again and it will all be happy ever after. I live in hope.

This is hell, this is! I’m living in fucking hell!

HELL 2

Isn’t life wonderful? I’m doing so well. I love everybody. Hugs all round. S-m-i-l-e.

female_smile

 

CHURCH V CHURCH (THE GUILT COMPLEX)

church 2

As some of you my be aware, I have not felt entirely happy at my church for some time now. The church building and interior are ‘plush’ and the ‘Meeting Place’, where we have our services is just beautiful. We have a large and comfortable reception area, several conference rooms for meetings, a church office, a café and more. Most of the people who attend are reasonably friendly and usually say or nod a passing hello in my direction as I come in with my powered wheelchair. I am friendly, chatty (given the chance) and really enjoy the singing praise although the sermon seems to be lacking conviction, somewhat, just lately. We are a large church of about 400 members of which roughly half turn up for the main service and quite a few of them migrate to the café for tea or coffee and ‘chat’ afterwards.

People, in general, tend to gather in clusters when having a conversation or chat. When I was in my old manual wheelchair, I appreciated that if someone wanted to chat to me, they had to lean or crouch down to my level which wasn’t always, perhaps, comfortable, convenient or desirable. But now I am in my powered wheelchair, I am higher up so more on everybody else’s level. But still, they gather in their clusters and I am not included which I don’t, for a start, think is a very Christian thing to do. What happened to caring for one another? As it says in Hebrews 10.24, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”

I have been happy there in the past, when I was baptized and became a member back in 2008 and there have been many good experiences along the way, both social and spiritual, before I became so disabled. I am still a normal Christian with normal feelings…I don’t have green ears and a purple tail (at least, not last time I looked)!

Bible-And-Cross-Pic

So….. the long and the short of it that I think I have found myself a different church where I seem to be much more accepted, included and welcomed. It’s not a ‘smart, plush’ church. It’s held in a Community Hall with basic surroundings and is used for other activities, like ‘Kids’ Club’ in the week. The sermons are much more sincere without being solemn. The congregation and Pastors are much more casual though expressive and demonstrative and I like having the feeling of being able to express myself freely to praise God in the way that I want to. The Pastors wear casual clothes (as opposed to suits and ties), as do the congregation and I think more or less anything goes.The people are friendly and approach and treat me as a ‘normal‘ person.

When it boils down to it, it is not the surroundings, the building or the clothes that maketh a church or a Christian, but the heart and soul of the people gathered together within it, and I think that I have now found a place where I belong. So what is the guilt about?

The guilt complex is that I feel very disloyal to my first church by breaking away and going elsewhere to worship. Should it be like that? Is it wrong and disloyal? Does it matter where I worship? After all, there is only one God and He lives within us (if you have religious faith of any denomination). He is within our hearts. Will God really mind where I choose to worship? I think not. However, the feelings of guilt won’t go away. I’m going to talk to my current Minister next week and I am hoping we can part with good feeling and no blame.

Finally, to quote Psalm 23, “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

I have faith that He will lead me in the right direction…down the right path.