So much is going on in my life at the moment….so many changes, that I haven’t had time to write my blog for nearly a week which is unlike me. My world has been totally upside-down these last few days. I could sort of see it coming from a distance yet felt powerless to stop it all going on. Sometimes change is necessary, either because it’s out of our hands and something in our lives isn’t right or a change of direction, a detour down an unknown avenue etc has to happen for a reason..
Firstly, at some point, I almost lost my faith, not quite completely but near enough. It didn’t feel good – I felt like a boat drifting in a turbulent sea with no anchor to fasten me to reality. I’ve posted about my faith before. It matters to me although for a while, back there, I felt I had abandoned it or somehow it had abandoned me. I knew there was still a small spark left but felt completely lost. I’ve spent weeks adrift from my old church and was visiting others in the area where I searching for that place of worship that fulfilled both my spiritual needs and my social ones. My search proved fruitless and I was drifting further and further away from God.
Running concurrently alongside this was the fact that my Care Agency decided to dump me with only one week’s notice. This wasn’t because I had been rude or abusive in any way, nor because I was a nuisance but because I had a voice and spoke up for myself, assertively but politely and the Manager didn’t like hearing the truth about her failing agency (due to them not taking care of their staff thereby enabling them to do a good job….they just were not given the time and everything had to be done at break-neck speed and therefore not thoroughly). I won’t go into details about the lack of care and respect to myself and my home that I experienced….suffice it to say, it left a hell of a lot to be desired.
Meanwhile, as far as my family life was concerned….no change there! I haven’t seen my children or grandchildren for best part of a year now. Although I am trying my best to come to terms with the fact that this is going to be what my son and daughter want, it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell.
Other changes were afoot also but I won’t go into them here for fear of boring the pants off my readers.
Something needed to change but did I have the courage to deal with it all? It seemed not at the time but apparently (so i’ve been told), I am a strong person despite the fact that I feel like a mouse in a world of lions.
I decided to go back to my old church and although it is not perfect (but then is anything perfect?), I have to say walking back through those doors did feel like ‘coming home’ and I know I have made the right decision, with God’s guidance.
As for my Care Agency, I think it might be for the good after all as I have found a different agency, all be it at short notice, who seem far better and who are starting with me on Monday morning. I’ve met my new carer and we really get on well.
So, I guess it goes to show, change (all be it difficult sometimes) can be for the better. Perhaps…..just perhaps, this is the beginning of a positive upturn to my life and I now for certain that I need God by my side. :)