TECHNOLOGY MELTDOWN

Dear Friends,

I’m declaring war on technology for at least this weekend! Or rather, it’s declaring war on me….

HP_SpectreXT

My lovely new, trusted friend, my HP Ultrabook, has died and gone to the HP hospital in the hope they can resuscitate it! I am currently typing on an old dinosaur of a computer that is too heavy for me to lift and the keys are difficult for me to press down so I’m not going to battle with it any longer.

Old-laptop-006

So, this is just a brief ‘au revoir’ post to say I apologize if I don’t ‘Like’, ‘Comment’ or even read your blogs, for a short while, my friends. It’s nothing personal so please don’t take it as such. I won’t even be able to get email notification that you have posted any so sorry too if I miss anyone out either during or on my return from my technology vacation. My Tablet doesn’t work; I don’t possess an iPhone and my trusty old Nokia mobile phone only has text and phone facilities on it! Yes, it is old.

So, I’m taking a break. The TV is going off. The music playing on the CD, stopped. No daily news. Just quiet.

And in the silence, to which I am very unaccustomed, I am just going to enjoy the peace and spend my time catching up on half-read books and starting new ones and spending time with the Lord.

open bible

So bless you all and I will see you all on my return.

Hugs, Ellie xxx :)

RIDING THE ROLLERCOASTER

Having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), mine being in the ‘Emotionally Unstable’ category, is like living life on a rollercoaster! Up and down…high and low…black and white…happy and s.. (no, I won’t use the word ‘sad’ as what I actually means is, desperately unhappy) and all of it, like a rollercoaster, is so damn scary! I’ve had enough! I wanna get off now! I’m exhausted! My thoughts are all over the place…mostly making no sense at all; pointless, why bother, what for? All, rather like I feel about the rollercoaster.

My mood changes umpteen times a day and is totally unpredictable. I never what’s going to hit next! One minute, I’m fine, everything’s ‘cool’. I know I can cope with college; I know I can manage to keep up with writing my book; I know changing my church is the right thing to do; I positively know my children will come back to me one day.

Now, everything’s turned upside-down, on its head! College is too much…I won’t get good grades; I’ll never get my book finished and it’s rubbish anyway; how can I change my church after being there eight years….how disloyal is that? I’ll never see my children or grandchildren again, (and just in the unlikely event that you ever get to read this, this is for you, Tom* and Claire* with special love for my three and one-on-the-way little ones). Knowing it’s all hopeless.

I am never not thinking of you

Positive. Negative. Black. White. Up. Down. In. Out. Happy. Desperate. Hopeful. Hopeless. Optimistic. Pessimistic. Love. Hate. Just like a rollercoaster.

rollercoaster

It’s too much. It’s all too much sometimes and I start thinking damaging, self-sabotaging thoughts about myself. I don’t want to be here…on this planet…in this solar system.

Five minutes later, I am as high as a kite! Of course I’ll get good grades at college; I will easily finish writing my book before the deadline; I’ll be so happy at my new church – it’s what I’ve been looking for for years, can’t wait for Sunday; I’ll definitely see my kids and grandkids again and it will all be happy ever after. I live in hope.

This is hell, this is! I’m living in fucking hell!

HELL 2

Isn’t life wonderful? I’m doing so well. I love everybody. Hugs all round. S-m-i-l-e.

female_smile

 

CHURCH V CHURCH (THE GUILT COMPLEX)

church 2

As some of you my be aware, I have not felt entirely happy at my church for some time now. The church building and interior are ‘plush’ and the ‘Meeting Place’, where we have our services is just beautiful. We have a large and comfortable reception area, several conference rooms for meetings, a church office, a café and more. Most of the people who attend are reasonably friendly and usually say or nod a passing hello in my direction as I come in with my powered wheelchair. I am friendly, chatty (given the chance) and really enjoy the singing praise although the sermon seems to be lacking conviction, somewhat, just lately. We are a large church of about 400 members of which roughly half turn up for the main service and quite a few of them migrate to the café for tea or coffee and ‘chat’ afterwards.

People, in general, tend to gather in clusters when having a conversation or chat. When I was in my old manual wheelchair, I appreciated that if someone wanted to chat to me, they had to lean or crouch down to my level which wasn’t always, perhaps, comfortable, convenient or desirable. But now I am in my powered wheelchair, I am higher up so more on everybody else’s level. But still, they gather in their clusters and I am not included which I don’t, for a start, think is a very Christian thing to do. What happened to caring for one another? As it says in Hebrews 10.24, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.”

I have been happy there in the past, when I was baptized and became a member back in 2008 and there have been many good experiences along the way, both social and spiritual, before I became so disabled. I am still a normal Christian with normal feelings…I don’t have green ears and a purple tail (at least, not last time I looked)!

Bible-And-Cross-Pic

So….. the long and the short of it that I think I have found myself a different church where I seem to be much more accepted, included and welcomed. It’s not a ‘smart, plush’ church. It’s held in a Community Hall with basic surroundings and is used for other activities, like ‘Kids’ Club’ in the week. The sermons are much more sincere without being solemn. The congregation and Pastors are much more casual though expressive and demonstrative and I like having the feeling of being able to express myself freely to praise God in the way that I want to. The Pastors wear casual clothes (as opposed to suits and ties), as do the congregation and I think more or less anything goes.The people are friendly and approach and treat me as a ‘normal‘ person.

When it boils down to it, it is not the surroundings, the building or the clothes that maketh a church or a Christian, but the heart and soul of the people gathered together within it, and I think that I have now found a place where I belong. So what is the guilt about?

The guilt complex is that I feel very disloyal to my first church by breaking away and going elsewhere to worship. Should it be like that? Is it wrong and disloyal? Does it matter where I worship? After all, there is only one God and He lives within us (if you have religious faith of any denomination). He is within our hearts. Will God really mind where I choose to worship? I think not. However, the feelings of guilt won’t go away. I’m going to talk to my current Minister next week and I am hoping we can part with good feeling and no blame.

Finally, to quote Psalm 23, “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”

I have faith that He will lead me in the right direction…down the right path.

ROCKING THE BOAT

rock the boat English idiom

At the moment, so much around me is changing or becoming unreliable and I really don’t ‘do’ change at all well and really don’t like my boat being rocked one bit. I need stability, I need consistency, I need reliability, I need to feel safe and secure. I just don’t like change.

Currently, my care agency is very short of staff so instead of getting my regular carers, who I am used to, I never know who will be walking through the door next. Don’t get me wrong…I am extremely grateful for the excellent care I receive and all the carers I do have are great. I just wish the Management treated their staff better and fewer people would be leaving what is beginning to feel like a sinking ship. In addition, my Support Worker is off this week and there is no replacement available; my CPN goes away at the end of this week; my Home Help is also off this week and next and they are kindly sending a young woman to replace her but she won’t be the same, I know. And just to top it all, my therapist is away in two weeks.

Most of my support comes from you guys (and I don’t know what I’d do without your friendship, love and support) <3. I can’t talk to Mum anymore, not like I used to, as she’s always frantically trying to chase her tail, having got up far too late in the morning! My kids are completely out of the question as most of you know.

Also, I’m changing my dentist, after all that fuss and commotion of trying to get a ramp put in….I’ve given up with them although I’ve been there 34 years, because if they can’t do that one little thing (which they are obliged to do by law anyway!) then they have no consideration for me so I will be sticking two fingers up behind my back when I next pass them and I’m going to a new dentist about half an hour away in my wheelchair, so nearer as well as having very good  disability access and facilities.

And there is a whole new ball game just about to start rocking my boat in a big way although it is of my own choosing but it would take up too much space to explain right now so that’ll be my next blog….

 

Hickman Line – what is it and why do I have one?

Ellie Sofia:

This is the young lady who I wrote my post ‘Admiration & Respect’ (a couple of days ago). Love to you, Jo xxx <3

Originally posted on Real Life Unlimited:

Most of you will have seen the transparent dressing on my upper chest, and the white plastic line underneath it. This is my Hickman line.

What is a Hickman Line?
In technical terms, it’s a tunnelled central line.

Central because the tip of the line sits either just in, or just above my heart (that’s pretty central, no?). To get the line to that spot, it was inserted into a vein in my neck and just gently pushed through the vein until it arrived at my heart. All roads lead to Rome; all veins lead to the heart (with one exception, in case my pedantic medic friends are reading this).

If the line had been left like this, it would be just a ‘normal’ central line.

This is a 'normal' central line

This is a ‘normal’ central line

These are used in hospitals all the time (usually in intensive care units). However, because the line comes…

View original 1,389 more words

LEPER

family silouhette for blog

Today, I am hurting. I miss both my children who choose not to be part of my life….stigma left-over from my seriously bad mental health days and now my physical disability. Perhaps I’ve caused them pain in my illness.

My daughter, ‘Clare’ with my two young granddaughters will honour me with her presence, if I’m lucky, for a couple of hours around Christmas time. That’s it! Once! It hurts and I so miss my grandchildren who barely know me, and then only as a stranger. I know she doesn’t love me.

My son, ‘Tom’, my first-born, has opted out of my life altogether. I have a grandchild who is 18 months old who I’ve only seen once when she was born. A duty call, that’s all. Better than nothing, I know, but now….it is completely nothing. It is as if he doesn’t exist. I don’t exist on his planet and he has no love for me either.

I wrote a poem a few years back. I chanced sending it to both of them in the hope…..the vain hope……

Nothing. Deafening silence. Silhouettes on the horizon. This was the poem I wrote:

My child, why does it have to be this way?
When I love you so much, it hurts
And I miss you to the end of the Earth and back
And would give my eye-tooth to hold you again.

My heart is a jigsaw with a piece missing
And try as I might, I cannot find it
Where are you, my child, who are you now?
You are all but lost to me. Will you be forever?

I’ll never stop hoping, wishing, praying
That one day, you’ll come back into my life
But tell me if it’s a vain hope
As I suffer every minute without you here

I love you, my precious child
You doubt me, you mistrust me
You despise me and whatever I do or don’t do
It’s not enough to bring you back to me

I would give gold and silver and diamonds and more
For the want of you to be close to me again
But I am helpless to redeem myself
Though I try long and hard and try to hold on to hope

But the hope is diminishing as the days,
The hours, the minutes, the seconds go by
We are further apart than ships in the night
And the lighthouse is disappearing from sight

I offer only a forever kind of love for a lifetime
For the years together we’ve missed
Nothing fills the void, nothing will, nothing can
For the rest of my days on this Earth, I am sorry

If I could take your pain and carry it on my back for you
I would do so, willingly, my precious child
I only wish you joy, happiness, peace of mind
You have nothing to fear from me

I am no threat, nor wish to be. Can you forgive me?
In your heart of hearts, my child, could you?
You have done no wrong in my eyes
The eyes of a mother at the death of her child.

I LOVE YOU ALWAYS xxx

 

Still…..nothing…..absence…..isolation…..stranger…..leper.

I hurt.

 

 

ADMIRATION AND RESPECT

I have just come across and read the most incredible blog I’ve ever read! It is written by a young woman I shall call J. I didn’t want to reblog her page here without asking if that’s ok with her which I will do if we have any further contact. I have so much admiration and respect for this (hopefully possible) new friend. I have left her my email details in the hope that she will contact me.

She has a very rare, extremely serious and life-limiting condition and from what I’ve read has had to spend most of her time in bed, in pain and much of it in and out of hospices and hospitals She knocks all my problems, worries and difficulties, disabilities etc, into a corner. She is brave, strong, has a wonderful sense of humour and more and I would be honoured to get to know her better.

Often, when I’m struggling with my disabilities and various mental health labels, I think I’ve got it tough and that life has treated me cruelly. But what I suffer is microscopic compared to what J. has to contend with. What she has written is extremely moving and touches my heart to the very core. As I read her words, I felt tears streaming down my face.

I’m not going to write any more today as I am just blown away by this young woman’s courage.

“So, J., if you’re out there and you’re maybe reading this, I hope you don’t mind what I have written and this is for you….

rainbow heart

With My Love, Ellie xxxxxx

CELEBRATION! :)

I’m having an amazing day today (and they are so rare). There is so much going on in my life right now, I’ve hardly got time to sneeze! I have college tomorrow again which I’m determined to make a success. I am enjoying it so much. The Autumn prospectus will be out soon and then I intend to enrol in some more, deeper studying. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do and never thought I would achieve it having been told as a child that “I wasn’t clever enough to stay on for ‘A’ Levels or go to university”. I always wanted to be an Occupational Therapist which I guess is ironic in that I need one myself now! Nevertheless, I’m thankful for what I have.

books for blog

The best news today is that I’ve been offered a contract for my third book….hooray!! I am so delighted and excited! I’m currently working on my fourth book now and thoroughly enjoying it even if I am burning the candle at both ends. There’s something special about being up at two or five o’clock in the morning, and  often I am doing both within the same 24 hours! It’s so quiet everywhere. The world is asleep and I can hear the regular owl sitting on my roof calling out, the occasional goods train running through at the back of the garden and I love the sound of trains and I can hear the clock ticking regularly and evenly. I look up at the clear, dark sky and see a half-moon and far away stars, maybe containing life (who knows?). For a few moments I feel at peace.

burning candle

Meanwhile today, I have a friend in who’s painting my previously dull hallway for me which is so kind. It’s going to be white…simpler, cleaner, brighter, like I feel today. Then I have to save up to have the floor recovered.

Then there is my potential new church! I am going to visit a new church on Sunday. I’m very excited about it as I feel it is time for a change because where I am presently, I find my faith is waning and I have to admit that I was even questioning myself as to whether there was a God! And I do need God in my life. He is my Father. I know He will guide me to the right place to express my faith.

Open-Bible-glowing-with-Cross

So, all-in-all, despite the pain in my life of losing my children and grandchildren to ignorance, my mental health problems and my disability (all of which is nothing compared to what some people go through on the planet), I am on a high today and for once it is not a drug or alcohol induced high. I managed to end my addictions and alcoholism with the help of AA and CA and have now been clean and sober  for two years exactly, today!! Another celebration! :))

 

FIRST DAY COLLEGE TRIGGER

I have to say, having completed my first full day at college plus travelling (by wheelchair), I’d forgotten how exhausting it all is, having not done it for many years. I got caught in the rush-hour. I haven’t had the ‘pleasure’ of that for years, thankfully!

I arrived at college early so had time to have a much-needed coffee which always calms me down if I’m feeling anxious (I know that goes against all the health guidelines about caffeine but it works for me!). The course started at 10am. It was really strange being amongst other people in a learning environment. It’s been many years  since I’ve been in a classroom of any type. I took notes on my laptop because of my physical inability to write. The topic was interesting…Food and Mood of which, having been anorexic, I thought I was an expert on! But this wasn’t about calories and kilos but about the chemical changes that take place in your brain and how that ties in with nutrition. There was only five of us given that a couple of people were away sick and another couple had backed out at the last moment. I was pleased in a way as I find working in a large group too impersonal.

college

We stopped for a lunch break and I got chatting to two of the other students over coffee (and a banana, my lunch!). We got on really well and swapped phone numbers so we could stay in touch and in fact, I have already spoken to one of the girls from there this evening which was nice.

Then came the afternoon group (a totally different ‘kettle of fish’ altogether). I felt intimidated both by the size of the class and also by the tutor who seemed very unapproachable and obviously  wasn’t used to working in a mental health environment despite the fact we were studying NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) which is a type of therapy or way of managing life. Useful? Yes. Interesting? Yes. Interaction between students and rapport with tutor? No.

We were working through several leaflets, handouts and books, breaking NLP down into various sections. I found it quite fascinating and could connect with most of what was being said or studied. But suddenly i was overcome and shocked by a flood of unexpected feelings which left me completely paralyzed and locked in my own little world. Why? Because we’d turned the page and the not-so-approachable tutor announced that we were going to talk about triggers!! She was apparently referring to positive triggers like evocative memories of music, smell, feelings etc. I was ‘gone’ by then….flashbacks flooded through me, memories of abuse including smell, touch etc suffocated me. She mentioned pleasant scenes from the past being positive but all that was going through my head by then were very negative, abusive, terrifying scenes from the past. I found myself holding my breath; my eyes welling up; my body shaking and then the PTSD took over and I had a full-blown panic attack followed by uncontrollable sobbing.

post-traumatic-stress

I managed to wheel out of there into the kitchen, swiftly followed by one of the students I’d got chatting to earlier who made me a coffee and sat with me for a while, for which I was very grateful. I couldn’t go back in to rejoin the class though as I was too shaken. I really hadn’t foreseen that one coming. However, on a positive note, I’m not giving up. I’m going back on Thursday to have another go, including tackling the NLP group as this time I will be prepared, just in case, although the centre of the topic will have probably moved on by then but if not, I will stay with it and not let my abusers prevent me from furthering my education as they did as a child.

I will have a future and move on from being held back by my past. I will not let those bastards win. This time, I will beat them!