I really, really don’t like being called or referred to as a ‘woman‘ or as being ‘female‘. This may sound strange to many of you. After all I am a grown adult. I much prefer to be referred to as a girl, a young lady, a person, a character, an adult, even ‘thingymebob‘! I do not like being a ‘woman‘ or ‘female‘. To me, these two words have connotations: They imply a sexual being as in male and female or man and woman. And yes, I know all humans are sexual beings – if they weren’t there would be no such thing as reproduction of the human race or sexuality. But even the terms ‘sex‘ or ‘sexuality‘ makes me me feel uncomfortable and I’d go as far as to say “cringe”. I know they are both words which are commonly used and often a part of general conversation.
I was speaking with my therapist, *T* this morning about this and we concluded that because of what I’ve been through with so much sexual abuse as a child, I just don’t want to be a sexual being or to be referred to as one.
So…..Who am I? What am I really? Where do I fit in on this planet? Am i strange? Peculiar perhaps? Odd, maybe? I certainly cannot come to terms with being the age I am and I hate to have to say or even hear myself saying it out loud. I am 57 which immediately conjures up the image of being ‘middle-aged’ (tweed skirts and blouses) etc [no offence to anyone who is more comfortable with these things]. Middle-age also implies heading towards old age or being elderly and although I am not afraid of death or dying as I have my faith, I just cannot come to terms with these natural progressions of life. I just makes me want to scream in horror, “NOOOOOOOO”.
When I write my blogs, I think of myself (in my head) as a ‘girl’. I’m not sure of what age although after speaking with *T* at length when she asked me that question, my instant reply, without even thinking about it, was ‘eight’. Eight years old? Surely not.
Eight was the age that I was when my teacher started to sexually abuse me while my father was doing so at home from a much earlier age. That’s when I started to ‘split off’ in my head, to dissociate. That’s when I became aware of my first alter, ‘Chloe’. She was and has remained aged eight. Since then other alters have joined me but they play no part in this. I want to be a girl, NOT a woman.
But surely, my grown-up head fathoms; as a ‘girl’, therefore ‘child’, I would be more vulnerable so where is the logic here? I know that I need to discuss this further with my therapist.