CHANGES…

So much is going on in my life at the moment….so many changes, that I haven’t had time to write my blog for nearly a week which is unlike me. My world has been totally upside-down these last few days. I could sort of see it coming from a distance yet felt powerless to stop it all going on. Sometimes change is necessary, either because it’s out of our hands and something in our lives isn’t right or a change of direction, a detour down an unknown avenue etc has to happen for a reason..

Firstly, at some point, I almost lost my faith, not quite completely but near enough. It didn’t feel good – I felt like a boat drifting in a turbulent sea with no anchor to fasten me to reality. I’ve posted about my faith before. It matters to me although for a while, back there, I felt I had abandoned it or somehow it had abandoned  me. I knew there was still a small spark left but felt completely lost. I’ve spent weeks adrift from my old church and was visiting others in the area where I searching for that place of worship that fulfilled both my spiritual needs and my social ones. My search proved fruitless and I was drifting further and further away from God.

(c) Thomas (Tom) Henry Roskell; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation

Running concurrently alongside this was the fact that my Care Agency decided to dump me with only one week’s notice. This wasn’t because I had been rude or abusive in any way, nor because I was a nuisance but because I had a voice and spoke up for myself, assertively but politely and the Manager didn’t like hearing the truth about her failing agency (due to them not taking care of their staff thereby enabling them to do a good job….they just were not given the time and everything had to be done at break-neck speed and therefore not thoroughly). I won’t go into details about the lack of care and respect to myself and my home that I experienced….suffice it to say, it left a hell of a lot to be desired.

Meanwhile, as far as my family life was concerned….no change there! I haven’t seen my children or grandchildren for best part of a year now. Although I am trying my best to come to terms with the fact that this is going to be what my son and daughter want, it doesn’t stop it hurting like hell.

Other changes were afoot also but I won’t go into them here for fear of boring the pants off my readers.

Something needed to change but did I have the courage to deal with it all? It seemed not at the time but apparently (so i’ve been told), I am a strong person despite the fact that I feel like a mouse in a world of lions.

I decided to go back to my old church and although it is not perfect (but then is anything perfect?), I have to say walking back through those doors did feel like ‘coming home’ and I know I have made the right decision, with God’s guidance.

As for my Care Agency, I think it might be for the good after all as I have found a different agency, all be it at short notice, who seem far better and who are starting with me on Monday morning. I’ve met my new carer and we really get on well.

So, I guess it goes to show, change (all be it difficult sometimes) can be for the better. Perhaps…..just perhaps, this is the beginning of a positive upturn to my life and I now for certain that I need God by my side. :)

SHADOW

bones shadow

I hide between layers of darkness and grim
The soot black air rasping through my lungs
among the smoke and ash
There I find my home

If there were to be a breeze
to cleanse away the pollution of my mind
oh what relief would be had
and perhaps I would be saved

I lay my rags upon the ground
to lie by the devil
on the grit and dirt below us
and the wind howls over my bones

There is no saving, nor comfort
for the likes such as I
who perish in the storm whipping up
My shadow is all that remains of me.

ANGRY – I’M DEAD IN THE WATER / I’M GOING SLIGHTLY MAD (VIDEOS)

Often lately, I have been thinking that for how much my children care or rather do not care about me, I may just as well be dead in the water, as the song says. Would I missed? No, I think not. At least, not by them. I know I have some good friends and I appreciate that so much but it doesn’t take the pain away. Am I angry? Yes, I am. I am angry at my children for depriving me of my grandchildren.

I’m angry with my care agency for not doing their job properly, not my carers (they are all great). It’s the bloody management who don’t bloody well look after their staff so their staff are all leaving in droves and I can’t say I blame them!

I’m angry with my church for not even noticing that I haven’t been there for the last six weeks, and now; now that I’ve let on (I thought, confidentially) to someone that I was leaving as I’ve found a much more supportive church; now, the phone rings at 7.15pm. I can see that it’s my church but I don’t pick up. The Minister has left a message saying she just wanted to talk to me about something and she wondered how I was…NOW? 

I am just so angry….I’m angry with life in general. I’m angry at the world! I’m not feeling sorry for myself…I’m just feeling utterly and thoroughly pissed off by everything in my life! I’m so angry that I’m in the state of mind that I don’t really care whether I’m here (as in alive and breathing), or not. In fact the idea of being ‘dead in the water’ quite appeals at this current moment.

I think I’m going slightly mad! I feel like an unexploded time-bomb, detonated and primed to off at any minute….any minute now. What do you do with yourself when yo feel like this? Answers on a postcard….

AS NICE AS PIE…

I’m as nice as pie to those around me, caring, lovingly so, genuinely. But me? Me? Right now, I couldn’t give a toss. I feel like shit and am full of self hatred and anger and don’t know why. Perhaps jut a phase of the Borderline Personality Disorder which is of no consolation whatsoever.

This isn’t a clever piece of writing….neither beautifully worded or artistic….just a scream from deep within, silenced before it hits the surface and not dissimilar to the silent screams of my childhood. Flooded with flashbacks and sudden vicious body memories…ugh….argh….get me out of here! I don’t want to be in my body. It’s ugly, it’s damaged, it’s scarred for all to see…I hate it….I want to cut, cut out the bad. I hurt. I am hurting inside and out….the pain becoming intolerable. Panic setting in now as if enough isn’t enough.

the_scream_munch_artcover_by_yourlittlepsycho-d2z2lyb

(Edvard Munch – The Scream)

The clock is ticking, tick-tock, tic-tock…ticking the hours of my life away. I urge it to tick faster to stop it all…stop the pain. I long for slumber but this evades me too. I’m drowsy now but fighting off the sleep I so desperately need; head nodding slowly only to be suddenly shaken back into the reality I don’t want to see, hear or live. My head is muddled. I need help. I don’t know where to turn…. I search, I rummage, I hunt, but cannot even muster up the energy to ask for help

“Go to bed, for f*ck’s sake, go to bed. Stop expressing how you feel and boring the pants off the world“, my mind speaks to my head. I make no sense. This is literately nonsense, no sense….madness….confusion….total and utter confusion.

Chloe cries, my little one. My precious child within screams out in pain….and I can do nothing to comfort or console her….she suffers as we all do.  

I need to get out of my head….I need to get out of my life…..no longer wanted, needed or desired. So why should I remain here to suffer for the sake of those supposed to be close to me yet full of venom and hatred towards me? 

What am I dong here? Empty, devoid of love, worthless, pointless, aimlessly wandering to and fro and yet trapped within this head of mine….desperately fighting to escape from what is supposed to suffice as a brain..

“GET ME OUT OF HERE! PLEASE, GOD, GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

 

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE

attitude of gratitude 2

My life is not perfect; far from it. I won’t go on to list all the things that are not how I’d like them to be but hey, nobody said life would be perfect! I will say my biggest upset is the total lack of contact with my children or my little grandchildren who I miss terribly. There is a fourth grandchild on the way but I doubt I’ll be allowed to have anything to do with that little mite when he/she enters the world. All my grandchildren are growing up not knowing they have a Nanny Ellie. I do not exist on this planet for them despite them all being in close proximity to me. 

On to other events. I can just see the glimmer of light at the end of this deep, dark tunnel I have been lodging in for so long. I dig my way through mud, shovel by shovel, clearing the beginnings of the path that will lead me out of this place. I long to reach the warm sunshine I can see lighting up the far end of this prison. I crawl and I claw my way, inch by inch nearer and nearer to my goal.  At last, pieces of my life are beginning to come together; important matters are finally falling into place. I don’t hesitate to list these as they are gradually bringing light and a warm glow into my life (minus my grandchildren, of course).

  • At last my new laptop has arrived, all shiny and new. No more trying to hump that great huge dinosaur of a computer about (I called it Triceratops for that reason). This one is as light as a feather and a dream to use, although it didn’t come cheap (but it did come with a credit card bill!). I’ve called it ‘Amy’ – don’t ask me why; no rhyme or reason – it just came to mind and has a friendly sound about it. 
  • I think, at long last, that I have found my spiritual home…thank you, God. It’s a really small, fairly run-down ramshackle hut of a building, but proudly painted with clean blue and white paint. The people there are so friendly and are already treating me like one of their family. I feel totally comfortable there. The Senior Minister is called Roger and he has a really wicked sense of humour. The services are simple but genuine, the songs are mostly modern and beautiful, the faith is strong, the sense of community is steadfast but mostly, I get treated like a human being, not like an obstacle in a wheelchair (which incidentally had new batteries fitted this week so it goes like a dream now). I’ve called my chair ‘Charlie’, the girl’s variation, naturally….women are better drivers! (No offence, fellas).
  • I am at last doing something about changing my care agency. I’ve been on to Adult Social Care and reiterated the fact that my current agency were no longer able to meet my needs. After much interviewing, I have found a care company who really do seem to care so I’ve just got to get the two lined up together with each other now. Not an easy task, I can assure you.
  • In addition, college starts back on the 10th September and I’m eager and raring to go! 
  • I’ve had my mobile phone, basic though it is, repaired so now I can be in touch with the word once again.
  • I had a birthday on Wednesday and three of my college friends surprised me and turned up with balloons, badges, flowers and gifts like I’ve never had before. I had a fantastic day with them. My birthdays are usually spent on my own, singing ”Happy birthday to me…” etc.

So, that is six reasons to be grateful that God is good and believe it or not, it hasn’t been easy to write bout the good stuff when I’m used to wallowing in the mire. I can become accustomed and far too ‘comfortable’ writing about all the negatives. But just once in a while, and I have to make the most of these rare moments, it’s good to bask in the sunshine. :)

 

ARTIFICIAL SMILES; (THE TRASH BUTTON)

Following last night’s blog, I am now, this morning, very much, hurting, upset, aching and guilty about what I expressed. I was so aggressive! Where did all that anger come from? It’s not like me to express myself as I did, to rant and rage to that extreme. I am writing this in shame and trying hard to resist the temptation of  hitting the Trash button. I am feeling very guilty for ‘attacking’ my own flesh and blood in that way. I am shocked about how I could say such things even though they are the honest truth. But I feel my children have abandoned me. They are totally and openly rejecting me. I have been discarded, like a bag of kitchen rubbish tossed into the bin to rot till someone takes it away and dumps it somewhere….anywhere….on the trash heap.

The weaker side of me so wants to trash last night’s post but the stronger side of me is saying that I have a right to be heard.

Damn it, I cut myself last night…..how do I explain that one when my carers get me washed and dressed and notice the angry, red wounds on my arms? They are aware I have healed scars but never fresh marks. I feel so ashamed. Why the hell did I go and do that yet I barely remember the actions I took in my pain and despair. I am watching the clock and trying to think up excuses before they arrive. I hurt so much, I hurt so badly that I feel physical pain in my body far more than usual; pain in my heart, sick to the stomach. 

(My carer has been and gone. She saw my arm. She saw I was upset. I couldn’t hide either. She says she has to report me to the office when she goes back. I feel like a naughty schoolchild about to be sent to be reprimanded by the Headmaster).

Oh God! What a mess! I feel like sh*t inside, yet I know I will go to my new church this morning, full of artificial smiles and joyful exclamations of “Yes, I’m fine, thank you”. I am very, very far from fine.

 

 

 

RANT – PREJUDICE AND DISCRIMINATION WITHIN THE FAMILY

Well……..This isn’t poetry or anything cleverly or attractively worded! This isn’t about my past experiences. This is a rant and about me feeling so p*ssed off!

I’ve just spoken to my sister who tells me that my daughter *Claire* doesn’t want anything to do with me because…. a) I have mental health problems, b) I am disabled, and c) because I choose to have a decorative cross on my living room wall, (pictured here), thereby ‘stating‘ I am a Christian!!

disabled people slogan             My beautiful cross from J & J            mental health

All this time, she’s been making excuses not to come and see with my two young granddaughters and now I found out it’s all about discrimination or being ‘different’! I am fuming…..I am so f#*$ing angry! (And yes, I know that’s not a very Christian word to say and that I should forgive her but at the moment I am hurting too much). She is basically ashamed of me and would rather not have anything to do with me or for me to be her Mum!! She objects because she doesn’t want her children to be aware of such differences! That’s not what I taught her when she was young so where did that come from?! Children needed to be educated about ‘differences’ in people, be it class, race, sexuality, faith, disability….whatever; not being taught how to be prejudiced and discriminatory. How would it go down, I wonder, if I purchased a copy of this book and sent it to her:

kids guide discrimation

…….Not too well, I should imagine!! And  perhaps I should send a copy to my son, *Tom*, while I’m at it as he shares exactly the same views, hence I don’t see my littlest granddaughter and I doubt I shall ever see the new baby due at Christmas :((

For goodness sake, it takes all sorts to make the world and I always say, providing nobody gets hurt, then ‘each to their own‘ and we should respect other people for who they are, not for what their label is…

don't label me

If it hadn’t been for my carers coming early and getting me into my pyjamas, I’d have gone out in my wheelchair and bought a bottle of something but I’ve been clean and sober for more than two years now, so that wouldn’t have been too clever. On the other hand, I haven’t coped with this too well as I have self-harmed, cutting my arm for the first time in nearly three years so sh*t, I’m not exactly proud of myself. And if my children knew; well, that would give them more ammunition.

And just to cap it all, it’s my birthday on Wednesday and I very much doubt I’ll get a card, let alone a phone call from either of them. Fortunately, I am meeting a new friend that day, for lunch so will have a lovely time, family or no family.

I don’t have therapy till Tuesday….how do I deal with this amount of rage and anger without doing myself any more damage?!

DEATH BY CIRCUMSTANCE

Dense black mucous

seeps through every pore

of my scarred skin

through every hair follicle

coating each strand thickly

A river of hot bitumen floods

my veins and arteries

I cannot breathe with

my lungs as sponges

suffocated by filthy grime

reaching my heart

filling it with sticky tar

My brain is flushed with soot

My mind is black

All has ceased

Death

black leaf

Hate and Love.

Ellie Sofia:

I too, understand these feelings so well. Thank you for writing this so eloquently and beautifully xxx

Originally posted on Shedding Light on Darkness:

I do what I can to avoid news as much as possible, I have enough going on.. yet unless I shut myself away and never leave the house, I am going to come across some of it sometimes.

Death, destruction, rape, war- so many people dying, famine, disease, persecution. Doesn’t it make you ache?

I have been so bitter the last few days, bitter and angry. Hating God and hating the world around me. I am somewhat upset with myself for that now.

I know I am entitled to feel what I feel, but what kind of person am I if I carry rage in my heart? I don’t want to add more hate to a world already consumed by it.

It’s not who I am or who I want to be. I love, I care, I put everyone in front of me, perhaps sometimes to my own detriment, nonetheless, it…

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