What is it with you? I am sick of it all! Who gives the right to judge me when you make no effort to get to know me at all? What do you know? What do you care anyway?
Why do you have to make me look so small? You have NO right! NO right at all. How dare you give me your opinion of what you think my problem is when you can’t even be bothered to scratch below the surface to find out. I do have feelings, you know and you just go and tread all over them with your size 9 hobnail boots!
Too sensitive?…You say I’m too sensitive…if only you knew; if only you could climb into my shoes and feel what I am feeling! I am angry…so angry…I know you don’t even want to begin to understand the condition that I have, Borderline Personality Disorder, that being the ‘Emotionally Unstable’ variation. And is it any wonder when you say you don’t believe me, you show that you really don’t care, couldn’t give a damn and make it blatantly obvious that you have no love for me whatsoever, and sometimes, in fact I’m pretty sure, I don’t think you ever had.
And yes, I know, that you, rather pathetically can’t deal with physical disability either and are therefore, ashamed of me. You’d like to pretend I don’t exist; shut me in a cupboard, lock the door and throw the key away. How do you think that makes me feel? How the hell do you think I feel?
Well, fuck you, you ignorant bastards! And no, maybe I shouldn’t be so angry but on the other hand, I have nothing to lose… I have lost it all already….you made sure of that, didn’t you? I don’t have to excuse myself; I don’t have to explain myself to you. You, who think you know it all, so high and mighty, well I tell you, you are no better than I am, not one iota, not one dot, not for one second. I never use to hate….I don’t like hating, but you, well, you’ve driven me to the brink; you’ve gone too far; you’ve pushed me over the edge.
I have had all I can take from you; enough is enough! I know you will never read this (although I am sorely tempted to copy and paste in into an email and send it to you) but you’re not worth it…you’re just not worth it. I have better things to do with my time and apart from which, I don’t bloody well have to explain myself to you, of all people!
Today, I had a tumble or more accurately an accident! I fell….but it was no ordinary fall….it was quite a spectacular experience (but not funny). I fell out of my electric wheelchair on to the ground with a thud because of negligence on behalf of the council. Was I hurt? Yes, I was – I have hurt my back, hip and leg which is making my disability worse (hopefully only temporarily). Time will tell.
I was on my way back from town with my wheelchair, riding on the pavement (not the road) as I am meant to but nevertheless, I have to cross roads like everybody else. I was just passing the railway station and was crossing the entrance which is quite a narrow but busy side road. I came up to the kerb, ready to cross and lurched down into the road with a huge bump, as usual. I have already complained in writing to the council to say that they have not provided that busy road with a ‘dropped’ or lowered kerb; a prime example of a non-dropped kerb is shown in the image below (that’s not me in the photo, by the way!).
I crossed the road and then approached the kerb on the other side, also not ‘dropped’ as it should be under The Discrimination Act, but worse still, the kerb was broken so very uneven (also previously pointed out to the council). I tried to mount this damaged and rather steep pavement edging. There is no other way of getting home other than this route, unfortunately. My front wheels slammed into the kerb, causing my wheelchair (with me in it) to fall over into the road. I was trapped; unable to get out because of lack of use of my legs, so there I lay, on the ground, hurting, embarrassed, angry and helpless. I was obviously in need of help and would you believe eight people walked straight past me, totally ignoring me as if I were invisible!!
After about five minutes, a young girl, listening to music on her ipod, stopped and asked me if I needed an ambulance and then went into the station to ask for assistance for me. Two well-built men came out and righted my wheelchair and got me a glass of water. I guess I must have been in shock. The ambulance arrived just at that moment and they checked me over, made me comfortable and stretchered me into the back of the ambulance.
I started to recover from the shock but I was hurting, physically so they carefully checked my back and ‘thank the Lord’, I hadn’t broken anything. I was badly shaken up, bruised, battered and very sore though. I didn’t want to go to hospital so they slowly got me back into my wheelchair and one of the men kindly pushed me all the way home where my carer was waiting. I was so glad to be home.
So, I’d like to publicly thank C. City Council for their negligence in keeping the pavements and kerbs in such good condition, NOT, and for breaking The Discrimination Act which believe me, I’m not going to let them get away with! WATCH THIS SPACE!
I’ve had an eating disorder ever since I was a child. At times, it has been severe both as anorexia and periods of bulimia. I have been hospitalized (sectioned) twice in 1996 and 1998 as my anorexia was severe and my weight dropped dangerously low to five stone only. I was in my late thirties at that time as contrary to popular belief, eating disorders affect both men and women of any age, not just teenagers although I was in the minority being that age on my ward.
I don’t intend to go into details about my past eating behaviours as this post isn’t about encouraging anyone who is struggling with tips on how to eat less and all the other negative practices associated with an ED. This is just about my feelings about myself.
As most of you know, I am now in my early fifties and over the years my weight has gone up and down like a yoyo. I have also acquired, as a direct result of my ED, severe osteoporosis and problems with my teeth amongst other issues. (NB. This isn’t the cause of my disability although it obviously aggravates my symptoms).
Suffice it to say, I still have great difficulties with my eating and know I have a distorted body image but despite counselling, I still have a daily battle. My weight is fine (although I would like it to be less [but that is the anorexia speaking] and classically, think I look far too fat). I come slap-bang in the middle of the healthy range on the BMI scale yet I still see this as bad instead of healthy and good. I generally eat fairly healthily but maybe a little too less than I should. But, this is interspersed with sudden desperate urges for chocolate, cakes, ice-cream etc for which I go out of my way in my wheelchair to the local supermarket or newsagent for too large a quantities! I don’t keep any ‘naughty‘ food as such, in the house because I wouldn’t be able to control my bingeing on it.
I hate having an ED – it rules my life and is just an added stress on my mind and body along with the effects of my child abuse, rape, PTSD etc which I have written much on previously. Many people consider that once you have gained a healthy BMI, you are ‘cured‘! This is not the case, unfortunately, speaking for myself that is. I only wish it were. EDs don’t always get better; they may wax and wane or be mild or severe at times). Currently, I would put myself in the middle of that scale which is a constant battle.
I detest my ED. It’s the first thing that springs to mind whenever I am stressed or have experienced current feelings of trauma such as flashback and new memories surfacing. I think about food first thing in the morning until last thing at night. When I was younger and in out of hospital, I truly believed at times that I had become free of my ED. However, this is not the case….eating disorders can bite back! However, I still have fight in me and will never give up believing that one day, I will be free of all this.
“Who told you it is not okay to grow
as you did as a child, like a tree
taller and taller?
You convinced yourself to stop,
to stay thin
like a small child
even when your stomach grumbles
like wind through a mountain,
shrinking and straining and starving
for someone else’s idea of perfect?
But every tree gains leaves
and rings, symbolizing age,
and the growth
of a great being.
Who told you to feel heavy
when your breasts accept gravity
and when your skin makes marks on itself
to adjust to you?
Who told you it was a sin
to be big,
and why did we give all this
unearned power to them?
You are a tree,
your leaves and rings
no matter what anyone else says.”
~ Colleen Michele
(artwork by Natasha Szymkiewicz, produced for The Center for Eating Disorders at Sheppard Pratt ‘Love Your Tree’ Campaign, 2013)
THIS IS FOR ALL OF US HERE XXX
I am so honoured and privileged to be part of the blogging community I ‘belong’ to here.
I know blogging is worldwide and covers a multitude of people’s views. But I feel that once you start blogging, and following blogs you choose, you ‘meet’ so many people and make so many very valuable friends, most of whom have something in common. In the case of my blogging friends and myself, we have all been through hard/rough/awful/abusive times. Also, many of us experience some sort of mental health problem as a result of the huge trauma that we have had to endure or are still enduring.
And yet each one of us expresses lighter moments, joy, humour etc at times. We still shine despite all that we have been through. I think that is so courageous and admirable. Even if it’s only a millionth or a split second of our lives, we are all still able to shine despite the darkest, deepest thoughts, experiences and memories. Most importantly, we are all ‘here’, living and breathing even though many us, myself included, have tried so hard not to be. We are fighting our own individual battles, each different yet each similar. Yet, we are all fighting the same war; we are all batting for the same team, that of recovery or in essence, survival, and on the whole, we are winning, all be it a second at a time, a minute, an hour, day, week, month, year etc. Time is infinite.
I am so grateful for my friends amongst my ‘community’ and followers, who understand me, support me and care about me. You are unique, you are special, you are ‘real’ (all be it that we are virtual), you are all who you are, you are all…..you.
This is a message the world needs to hear:
Hugs, Ellie xxx
When I got up yesterday, I was in a ‘determined’ mood! I felt a could fight a Muhammad Ali in a boxing ring, before his decline, and win!
I had to get to therapy at 11am and decided to go in my new wheelchair as the weather was good and there was no-one else who could help me out so I decided to ‘go for it‘! I allowed an hour to get there but did it in half an hour so I stopped by at a local church where they kindly made me coffee and a biscuit, for which I thanked them, of course. On to therapy which went well and the journey back which was fairly non-eventful.
However, in the afternoon, I had a dentist appointment at 3.20pm so off I zoomed again. I got to the dentist and back (nightmare journey, potholes, cars parked on pavements, overgrown bushes and got stung by nettles, etc!). It took me 3 hours, there and back! However, getting over the NON-disabled-friendly doorstep and through their door was risky (I nearly took the narrow door off its hinges and hurtled into the waiting room, nearly killing myself and several other patients like skittles!). NOT my driving, I need add but the lack of provision of a ramp to get in and out! This is an ongoing issue and campaign that I am having with the surgery and I don’t intend to give up until they get a ramp of some sort, which is a legal requirement under the Disability Act anyway. Needless to say, I’m not exactly ‘flavour of the month‘ there at the moment!
Add to that time, 15 mins for getting lost and then a much-needed 15 min detour to the sweet shop to get a much-needed large Mars Bar which I eventually got home and ate the lot as a reward for all my effort, lol! (I was a bit worried at times as to whether my wheelchair would have enough ‘umfph‘ in it to do all this cavorting about). But it just about made it but then I had a thought, “I know what I want for my birthday. I want one of these please…..”!
I have said, on more than one occasion, that I will not let the fact that my two children choose to reject me, stop me living the best quality of life that I am able. I am mostly pretty successful at this, continuing to write, to read, to get out and take part in life in general. However, there are times when the pain just becomes too unbearable and no amount of ‘a better quality of life’ is enough to compensate for my despair and isolation.
A MUSEUM PIECE
Forgive me my fragility and indulgence
Of a few tears shed
Tumbling down my cheeks
As I think back on my life-time so far
This is not what I envisaged
That my life would be as such; not ever
Dreams shattered like broken glass
Trod carelessly, underfoot
What have I to show for my toil and trouble?
Two offspring who barely know I am here
I play no importance in their lives
And neither in that of my grandchildren
They grow faster and brighter
I grow older, greyer, and wiser
I am, to them, just a mere label
A being with a name but no face
Like some distant aunt who lives far away
In the eyes of the children
I am merely, decrepit, and distant
Akin to an object in a museum
To be peered at on occasional visits
I cannot play hide-and-seek with them
Or climb the stairs to see their shiny, new toys
Nor to be introduced to the latest gerbil
I am deeply saddened and wounded
By this state of affairs
My heart is breaking in two; yet my own
Children play no part in my restoration.
I don’t think my situation is helped any by the fact that I have only one ‘real-life friend to whom I am eternally grateful to as she has stuck by me through all my really despicable years since losing my children: Full of alcoholism, drugs, self harm, anorexia, frequent attempts at suicide etc, and has never given up on me. We see each for a couple of hours, once a week and I so treasure that time and feel is she like goldust to me. I have no other friends other than you, my virtual but valuable and appreciated friends on WordPress. So I thank you, my blogging friends for all your love, caring and support and hope I am able to give a little goldust to each of you at some time. Big Hugs from me, coming your way so watch out……….! xxx
I would like to add that it has been some years since I have indulged in any of these reckless, self-harming activities although I still have issues with my eating sometimes. All the overdoses, drugs, alcohol, cutting etc have damaged my body permanently so if anyone is struggling with these issues, I do hope you are seeking/getting help and support xxx
I write, not to impress others, not to make an impact, not to gain ‘Likes’ or ‘Stats’ but to express my deepest feelings when I have no other way of expressing them other than to self-sabotage in some way which I’m trying hard not to do (although not always succeeding).
I am hurting, hurting very much because I am being deprived of contact with my grandchildren, all three of them and one on the way. I saw this picture and it made me think that perhaps when I’m dead and gone, they will think of me as the brightest star in the sky shining down on them. On the other hand, they may not think of me at all, if ever…I just don’t know but then I guess none of us do.
In the meantime, I will love; I will love with all my heart and with everything I have got and wrap it up in pretty parcels for each one of you, my little missing ones. A hug will, of course, accompany each parcel. I will wait; I will wait for a long time; I will wait forever; I will always be waiting my darlings.
I long for my daughter or my son to pick the phone up one day and for me to hear the words “How are you, Mum?” But it’s not likely to happen. In the eight years since my first grandchild was born, it has never happened and I know it’s never likely to. Some say I am a pessimist. I say I am a realist with maybe a touch of pessimism which I think is fair and just, given the circumstances.
Oh, how I long to take you in my arms, my little ones, and hold you, hug you, tell you how much I love you; how much I’ve always loved you; how much I miss you being in my life; how much I miss being in your lives. I dream I will be invited to your sports’ day, your school play where you maybe play the sheep in the nativity play, a school concert to watch you play recorder, trying so hard to get the notes right. I dream of having your paintings and drawings adorn my kitchen cupboard doors and all over the freezer, to find bits of your Lego down the side of my sofa, to find a felt tip pen rolled under the table; anything to remind me of you.
I live in hope. I hope in vain. I hurt. I really hurt as salty tears roll down my face. They say that tears are nature’s way of healing…..If that were so, I would have healed the world by now.
Honestly, I hate having BPD. A couple of days ago, I felt really well. Today, I feel like I’m swimming through murky water at the bottom of the ocean, along with the starfish and the molluscs. I can’t explain why my mood has dropped other than knowing it is the ‘nature of the beast’. For anyone who doesn’t know what having BPD feels like, the Youtube video below puts the feelings across far better than I ever could. Please take the time to watch it.
So far today and it’s now lunchtime, I have achieved absolutely nothing! I’m meant to be doing the last proof-read and edit of my book which is due to be published very soon – I haven’t even started. I’m meant to be phoning my friend but don’t want to contaminate her with my misery. I’d promised myself I would start reading my most recent book, ironically called ‘You Can Be Happy, No Matter What’. I ought to force myself to read it – it would probably do me good but I don’t even have the ‘umph’ to get started. You could say that “My get up and go has got up and gone”. I just want to sleep to shut it all out; I want to be in bed with my bear, all snuggled up safe.
I’m stressing over every little thing. I’m driving myself out of my mind. I’m wondering whether to give blogging a break after this but then I would feel so guilty if I didn’t keep up with my friends’ blogs as I like to read each one of them carefully and ‘Like’ or ‘Comment’ where I feel I want to give some feedback. If I disappear from my blog for a while, please forgive me (and I will be back), and if I suddenly stop reading your blogs, Like or Comment on them for a while, please don’t be offended. At the moment, I just can’t keep up with everything and feel like I’m wading through treacle.
So, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I might disappear for a short while or, hey, I might feel less overwhelmed later or tomorrow and feel ‘full of beans’ again. Who knows!!