EMERGING FROM THE DARKNESS

Dear Friends,

Today is a better day for I am emerging from the darkness, having spent too many days buried in negativity and suffocating with my own self-pity. The character written about in my last blog, I have to confess openly, depicted the darkness and evil I feel within myself when I am sitting at the bottom of the ocean floor amongst the sea urchins, snails and the plankton that exist down there. I despise that black side of me. BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is characterised by black and white thinking to name but a few, no, many other aspects.

bpd-wordle

I can’t say today is a completely ‘white’ day – they don’t exist in my world (and I question whether they do in other people’s’ lives too). At least I can say at this moment in time, I am experiencing a buff colour sort of day….not too bad but nevertheless beset with pain and problems, frustrations and battles but still keeping my head above water which I don’t always manage to do as those of you who know me will have witnessed on many an occasion. Today, I don’t feel that heaviness of many burdens like a lead weight around my neck and the pitch blackness of my inner turmoil. Today, I am emerging from the darkness….

out of the tunnel

Today, where I am in the world, the sun is shining. I shall go for a walk (well, wheel  in the park in my case). I shall notice the ducks on the river persevering as they swim through the duckweed, the wild rabbits hopping in and out of the hedges, a blue sky above my head only broken up with cotton wool clouds and birds in flight. All these things and more, I take for granted or in fact don’t even notice on dark days and yet the beauty of nature where I happen to live exists in abudance. I only have to open my my eyes and see the daylight. I will make the most of today. Love to you all, Ellie xxx :)

THE EVIL ONE HAS SURFACED…

hooded man

He lies; he cheats
He robs and steals
He hides it well

I’d never have guessed

He slaps; he wounds
He attacks and maligns
No thought for another

Well, he had me fooled

No regret; no apology
No sorrow nor remorse
He’s morally vacant

His approach is stealthy

No love; no care
No hug or affection
Cold-hearted indeed

I am shocked to the core.

* This character bears no relation to the individual spoken of in ‘Oh, What a Tangled Weave We Weave’

“OH, WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE”

‘As she weaves herself tighter and tighter into the web, the hole becomes deeper and deeper and she sees no way to escape. She has become desperate to escape, desperate to not be despised but to be loved but cannot find the exit. Surely, reaching the exit is the only way out but then she knows full well that doing so would mean total destruction of her world as she has always known it. It would be complete annihilation of her life as she knows it. She is terrified of the hurt and damage she would cause, both to loved ones and friends and ultimately to herself. Oh, what a tangled web she weaves.’

How do I help her? She has confided in me. I was, and still am shocked. Tears were running down her face as she blurted it all out. I thought it would never end. She is desperate for me not to break her confidence. How do I hold on to a secret so huge? Although I don’t want to break her trust, what about all those who are being wronged and hurt by her and have been in the past. I wish she hadn’t have told me. I have enough heartache and despair going on in my own life without holding on to someone else’s guilt and shame. Or is that just selfish? In telling me, she has deeply wounded me too. I thought I could trust her – now, I can never be sure of this again. I am angry! Am I right to be angry? Although part of me feels sorry for her because she is obviously in so much agony, another part of me hates her for the damage she has done over the years, not just to me but to many others too. Nothing life-threatening I know but so awful, just the same.

They say “you can fool half the people all of the time or all of the people half the time”. Well, as far as I can see, she has been fooling all of the people all of the time. And why? Why for so long? She says that she’s never known anything different, that she just wanted people to like her, to care for her. Well, many of them already did but she says she doesn’t believe that. I did too….will she ever believe me either? Who do I now turn too? I have been holding on to so many secrets of my own for so many years and am just beginning to unravel them in therapy. I don’t want more secrets….I have had enough over the years to last a lifetime. I know she needs help but how am I supposed to help her without her helping herself. How can I be responsible for her problems too. I wish she had told someone else. Why me? Or is that selfish too?

She is a forty-four year old ‘friend’. She is married with a husband and has three teenage boys. If I say anything to her husband, I know it will blow her whole world out of the water! Oh, I do wish she hadn’t had told me. She says she is sorry but sorry hardly even touches the edge of the hurt and anger that I feel.

I always thought she was happy but obviously not; otherwise why would she behave in this way? Half of me feels sorry for her but half of me hates her too. I hate her, not only for her deception and lies but also for want of a better expression for ‘dumping her shit on me’! And yet, I still have love for her – she has been a friend for a very long time and you can’t just wipe that out, at least I can’t although I know many that would. She is hurting but now, so am I. What do I do? I can’t go on like this. There must be a reason for all of this. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Help!!

* (Some details have been changed to protect identity) 

RUNNING ON EMPTY (CRASHING)

Running-On-Empty-logo

SATURDAY As you may have noticed, I haven’t been ‘around’ WP in the last couple of weeks and firstly, I must apologize for not keeping up with following your blogs for that time and for not even giving so much as a ‘Like’ or ‘Comment’ either as a result. I have been run off my feet – my lifestyle has developed into something approaching manic lately. As you may have read in my last post, we are trying passionately hard to stop my college closing and I thank each one of you who has taken the time to sign my petition. Every vote is much appreciated. There has been so much going on with campaigning, petitions, protests, meetings, committees, student unions etc that I can hardly keep track of it all and feel like I am chasing my tail half of the time! In addition, I have had a lot going on in my private life which has been difficult to manage too. My stress level has gone through the roof and I am really pretty well worn down. I’m not finding time to eat properly (it’s not my old anorexic thinking but just stress and lack of time), and am not getting anywhere near enough rest or sleep. I literally feel like I am running on empty and am permanently exhausted.

SUNDAY

car crashed into brick wall

Today, I have crashed into a brick wall; not literally but metaphorically. I guess I’ve been overdoing it for a good while now which has come from running on empty for too long. Today, my spirits have sunk, my mood is low, the world is dark, my hope has gone, my drive has ceased, I’ve come to driving halt.

Tomorrow, I’m meant to be signing up for my college courses for the two short months we have left before we are closed down due to bloody government funding cuts (see last post). I don’t know whether to go or not – I’m not good with endings – I tend to pull out before the inevitable happens….it tends to hurt less, (obviously looking at the situation pessimistically today). Everything I have learned has temporarily gone out of the window….I have a W.R.A.P. programme to follow (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) which I’m not exercising. I’m meant to be going to a Student Union committee meeting tomorrow. I don’t want to take the responsibility of the role I have there which sounds so selfish. I’m meant to be taking part in a research study at my local  university which I was really looking forward to and now the prospect doesn’t feel as rosy as it first was. It all feels like too much.

My family are in crisis….I have to look for a new care agency due to inefficiency, my Mum (as well as having Myeloma and just recovering from pneumonia) is now having serious mobility problems; my sister, J, in Australia has just lost her job through no fault of her own; my sister, L, is fighting to get my 14 year old niece who is blind but gifted, adequate education and schooling and my sister, A, has just broken up with her boyfriend. As usual, my children don’t figure anywhere in the picture. No surprises there then!

I’m not sure where my faith has gone….it seems to have evaporated into thin air. Where is God? I didn’t go to church today, I haven’t prayed and I’ve not studied my bible reading either.

God, I’m a right old misery guts today; I’m having a real moan for no good reason. I apologize for boring the pants off you if you have read this far. I think I’d better end there before I sink further into my black hole of depression and self-pity.

[I’ll probably by fine by tomorrow/later/in an half an hour/in ten minutes…soon/maybe/perhaps/perhaps not – that’s the unpredictability of having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)]. Oh, deep joy!!!

SHAME ON ME!

PETITION – MY RECOVERY COLLEGE IS AXED (2)

FOLLOWING MY LAST POST, I HAVE NOW BEEN GIVEN PERMISSION TO POST OUR PETITION HERE.

PLEASE, PLEASE SIGN THIS PETITION TO KEEP MY RECOVERY COLLEGE FROM BEING AXED BECAUSE OF GOVERNMENT FUNDING CUTS. EVERY VOTE WILL MAKE SUCH A DIFFERENCE. THERE IS NO MONEY INVOLVED AND ALL INFORMATION IS KEPT STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR TIME – VOTES NEED TO BE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. X

https://www.change.org/p/mid-essex-clinical-commissioning-group-reinstate-funding-for-the-mid-essex-recovery-college-and-hub

MY RECOVERY COLLEGE IS AXED!

a college

Why can’t the government leave things alone if they are working well?! They have decided to stop the funding for my college which is a Recovery College. It’s a college for 500 people like myself who are living with or recovering from (or trying to) mental health conditions. It’s a great place and has really helped me gain my confidence and learn new coping strategies. I’ve also made lots of friends of all sorts there and got to know all the tutors and other staff really well. We’ve been running for nearly four years now, learned a lot, shared a lot and had a lot of fun. Also, on a more serious note, I and we have all learned so much about coping with our lives with a mental health disorder and some of us have been able to move along to voluntary or paid avenues. I attend there 3-4 times a week and have benefitted enormously. It has given me structure to my week, a purpose and a social life, all of which have contributed to my improved mental health.  I am upstet and devastated.

The government promised that they would spend more money on mental health yet they are shutting down organizations like ours all over the country. We are campaigning and petitioning fiercely to defend our college but it is not looking promising and students are becoming very down and disheartened as a result.

The government say they want to save money yet can’t they see how bloody and stupidly short-sighted they are! As a result of the college closing, our students will need more support from NHS services such as the Acorn Centre (inpatient), the Crisis Team, our Social Workers, Psychiatrists, CPNs (Community Psychiatric Nurses) and GPs which will in the long run cost far more money.

I will be lost without my college which is set to close at the end of June this year. I have spent hours there, learning, studying, buddying, getting excellent advice and support, socializing and making good friendships and relationships with staff and managers.

So far, we have had a photo and article in the county newspaper, we have been on the radio, have been to see our local MP, have put a petition out there etc, etc, but all to no avail. We are NOT giving up and will continue to fight right up until the doors have to close. We must keep fighting!

As per my following my post, for anyone reading this would you PLEASE PLEASE sign our PETITION to keep this college open. All information is kept strictly confidential. THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH.

https://www.change.org/p/mid-essex-clinical-commissioning-group-reinstate-funding-for-the-mid-essex-recovery-college-and-hub

THE TOXIC THERAPIST

On discussing my relationship with my two children (yet again) with my therapist, T, yesterday, I realised that the reason they dislike/mistrust me so much is because of my past reckless behaviours during the time I was seeing the therapist, J, referred to in my last post, ‘Killing Me Softly’. They are blind to the fact that my mental health was so poor then but is now much improved and that I do not indulge or need to take up these behaviours again (those being my drinking, anorexia, all the self-harm I did to my body both by cutting and by abusing medication and all the risky overdoses I took, some of which were very nearly fatal). I do also recognize that she didn’t literally force me to drink, cut or OD, and that we all have our own free will. It was the influence she had over me when I was very vulnerable and the abusive responses during that eight-year period which made me react in such a dangerous way. Having said that, there was one occasion when she did literally say to me at the end of a session, “Why don’t you go home and kill yourself then?” Unbelievable, I know but I state that in all honesty which I then proceeded to attempt.

This, amongst other reasons such as my disability, I think may be at the core of why my children do not want anything to do with me. After all, how awful of me to put such young, vulnerable minds through such experiences of nearly losing their mother so many times etc. You see, the toxin within J was being transmitted as toxin to me which I absorbed like a sponge which then became the sting that hurt my innocent children so much (and I think still does to this day). So, basically, in summing up, J’s inner toxin was transferred to me which then acted like a cuttlefish or jellyfish sting to *Tom and *Clare, thereby poisoning their minds.

I wish I could put this past experience (along with others) in a box, leave it there and move on from it but however hard I try there are always the tentacles of the cuttlefish or the entrails of the contents of the box climbing through the gaps or hanging out of the lid that won’t quite shut. I have not, however, yet given up on hope:

I need to shut you tight into a box
with all the hatred I have for you.
It is a sturdy box, high sided,
but still the viscera ooze
through its seams and corners.

I long to seal the lid
but it is too late
for you have contaminated my world.
How on earth do I contain this filth
when you have sullied so much of my life?

The toxin within, still seeps out
like cuttlefish tentacles
that strike out upon contact.
Your viciousness intended
unlike the sea creature’s act of survival.

And will one day, the damage you have caused
be healed by some miracle or other?
Can so many negatives be transformed
into even one miniscule positive?
Well, I tell you, I will fight.

I will fight tooth and nail
to right the wrongs you created.
There is simply too much at stake
for me to allow you the victory
of trampling me to the ground.

jellyfish1

KILLING ME SOFTLY

Ellie Sofia:

I’m reblogging this post as a precursor to my following post. I am still dealing with the destruction left behind by my eight-year encounter with an emotionally abusive therapist, Ellie.

Originally posted on elliesofia:

After my earlier blog, I did go to see my new therapist but it was so harrowing, I could only write these words. They are not clever or articulate. They are basic.They are feelings which hardly touch the edge. They are the crater at the top of a volcano which may erupt and spew it’s contents at any time. They are me.

Image

(My experience of abusive therapy)

Eight years gone; vanished from my life

Deaf ears to the pleading all around me

Every minute of my life consumed by you

You told me that you loved me

I couldn’t survive apart from you

Every time you left me, a part of me died

And I shrivelled further into my anorexia

And permanently scarred my body

“Love me, hug me, and kiss me please”

“I need to be in your arms”

“Never leave me”, I implored

“You are my favourite mum”

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