This isn’t going to be a clever or intelligent or even vaguely interesting post. It will probably be full of uncorrected spelling and grammatical mistakes but right now I DON’T CARE. I CAN’T. I CAN’T EVEN THINK. This is purely a self-preservation act. I am so stressed that I could almost ask to be admitted into my local psychiatric hospital (which I hate really) but just to get some respite, get away from this world, get relief from my problems and responsibilities and most of all to get away from my feelings. I pray in desperation to my Father who is my rock in times of trouble, (Psalm 6:2  I am worn out, O Lord; have pity on me!  Give me strength; I am completely exhausted).

My Mum is very sick. She is in a hospital 45 miles from me and I have no way of getting there to see her or be able to help her. All I can do is to phone and see how she is doing every day, and wait and pray that the Lord heals her (Matthew 4:23   Jesus went all over Galilee, teaching in the synagogues, preaching the Good News about the Kingdom, and healing people who had all kinds of disease and sickness).

Mum is 85; she has double pneumonia and kidney failure and we don’t know whether she is going to make it.She has been put on a ward where there are five other elderly patients, three of whom have Alzheimers and are continually shouting and calling out. I know that they are ill too and I so feel for them but Mum is used to living quietly on her own and is so distressed by these disturbances.

I feel so powerless to be of any help to other than to be a listening ear at the end of the phone when she is well enough to speak and then it is difficult to understand her as she is so breathless when she tries to talk. Mostly, she is too poorly to chat and then I ring the nurse’s station and ask the nurse in charge of Mum’s care how she is doing. I’m finding it difficult to concentrate on anything much as Mum is constantly on my mind. I couldn’t bare to lose her. We are so close, in heart at least, not miles which means I don’t see her much.

Mum lives in an old Victorian terraced house that’s getting pretty tumbledown with age. It has four concrete steps up to the front door which I cannot access in my wheelchair which means I can no longer going into her house. If she makes it through this illness (and I pray she does), she may never be able to manage those steps again as her walking has been affected. That means she she will be unable to come out and I will be unable to go in. How will I ever see her again? Will I be able to see her again? I feel distraught.


           blackdog walked over him


I know the sun is shining and the blossom in full bloom

But an air of deepest blackness permeates this room

The ‘black dog’, Churchill called it; I can understand just why

It’s by no means unfamiliar; a common passer-by

It’s not a welcome visitor, nor did it ask permission

To come and lodge a few days so I eye it with suspicion

It has visited before, here; this dark presence in my brain

Oh, how I bid it leave me and not return again.




sail boat

When I was growing up, I had an inflatable plastic punching dummy. It was about as tall as I was and had a smiling face painted on it. My challenge was to hit it hard enough to make it stay down. But no matter how hard I tried, it always bounced right back up again. The secret? There was a lead weight in the bottom that always kept it upright. Sailboats operate by the same principle. The lead weights in their keels provide the ballast to keep them balanced and upright in strong winds.

It’s like that in the life of a believer in Christ. Our power to survive challenges resides not in us but with God, who dwells within us. We’re not exempt from the punches that life throws at us nor from the storms that inevitably threaten our stability. But with full confidence in His power to sustain us, we can say with Paul, “We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Cor. 4:8-9).
Join the many travellers through life who through deep waters of pain and suffering embrace with unshakable confidence the truth that God’s grace is sufficient and that in our weakness He is made strong (12:9). It will be the ballast to your soul. —Joe Stowell

The power of God within you is greater than the pressure of troubles around you.



Sorry friends…’s back to that boring stuff about my kids again…..

I finally drafted a letter to send to both of my children and took it to counselling with me today to discuss with my therapist before finally thinking of sending it to them. I’d made my mind up after spending days, if not weeks or months deliberating over getting this letter ‘right’. It read (respectively):

Dear *Tom/*Clare,


but I can’t take the constant pain and rejection from you anymore. I long to be in your life of course and also that of my grandchildren (*J, *B, *I and *C). Now it is time to make a decision. I need to know whether you really want me in your life at the moment.

If you decide to live your daily life without me, then I have to accept that, as I know we all have our separate paths to follow. But I do, very sincerely, ask one thing of you and that is that you don’t ever let my beautiful grandchildren forget me. Maybe, one day, when they are grown, they may want to come and get to know me better. I hope you will encourage them in this.

Of course, I will continue to send them birthday and Christmas cards (and ‘get well’ or ‘congratulations’ etc. as appropriate if I hear of any news) and also small gifts at these times although it will be difficult to to guess what sort of things they like or need as time goes on). Please keep me ‘alive’ in their hearts and minds and remind them frequently that I love them and am thinking of them very often.

I will also continue to send you both birthday and Christmas cards – whether you choose to reciprocate is up to you but I have to respect your decision whatever you decide to do.

If you make the choice to follow your path without me, I will still get on with life and make it happy. I now have college, choir once a week,and will be performing ‘live’ at the Cranstead Theatre in a few weeks’ time, church activities, my current book that I am writing, studying and my involvement with the ACR University and hopefully further opportunities there, possibly opting to do an Open University Degree in the near future. I keep in touch with your Grandma (my Mum) every day because as you know she is getting elderly now and of course frequently with my sister abroad and occasional emails and phone calls to my other two younger sisters.

My door will always be open to you so that if at any time you wish to have a fuller relationship with me, I will be there for you and you will be welcomed with open arms.

So, my darling son/daughter, think carefully and please let me know what you have decided (of course when you have had time to think about it).

With My Love Always and Forever,

Mum xoxoxoxox

My therapist thought long and hard about this and then agreed that I had to take some action to defend myself from their continuing emotional abuse (which is basically what it amounts to). Surely, I’ve had enough abuse in my life without deserving further abuse from both of my children. I cried all the way home in the car with my Support Worker, knowing I should post this letter during the afternoon.

And then out of the blue, the telephone rings. I pick it up and am astonished to hear my daughter’s voice. “Hello”, she says, like no time has elapsed and as if no hurt has occurred. I was shocked! Why is it that just when I think I am sorting my life out or at least attempting to do so, a spanner has to be thrown into the works, so to speak. Not that I refer to my daughter as a ‘spanner’ but hell, do my children know how to get to me in the most painful ways! It was a short conversation but a conversation all the same.

Now, I am in a dilemma…..what do I do about sending that letter? Do I give them a second chance, or more like third, eighth or nineteenth chance? Another chance to hurt me and play mind games with me. I don’t know if I can take any more of this family drama, ongoing as it is. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever mention the subject again here on my blog for the fear of boring the pants off the few faithful followers I have left and just because I am going round in ever decreasing circles and if I don’t watch out, I’ll be running so fast that before I know it I will have disappeared up my own ar*e.


Dysfunction in the Hundred Acre Wood

Ellie Sofia:

This was beautifully and brilliantly written by my blogging friend, Meghan. Thanks, Meghan, Ellie xxx :)

Originally posted on Finding Hope's Sunshine:


Now that I am done with my taxes (long sigh of relief) I am going to spend some quality time with my kids. It is still early in the morning and because everyone is on winter break, I am letting my kids watch a little TV while eating their breakfast. I can hear their munch, munch on cereal while I am typing this post.

From where I sit, I can hear Winnie the Pooh laughing and Tigger bouncing across the screen. Oh, it brings back wonderful childhood memories when I used to watch those loveable creatures. Back then, I counted them as my friends. Their magical forest, The Hundred Acre Wood, followed me whenever I went into my own woods that surrounded my home. I wanted to squeeze Pooh, play with Tigger, tell Rabbit to “chill out”, and just love Eeyore’s sadness away.

They seemed a happy lot, on the most part, and I wanted…

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No more will I seek love from war
or expect peace from my enemies
No longer will I play the game
of fetch and carry

Nor shall I bend or my branches break
like a weary tree in a raging storm
and when the guns fire hostility
why should I still grant affection?

I am tired of this game that they insist upon
where my heart and soul are the chess pieces
on the chequered board
and I am expected to play the knight

I tell you that in this grey, grey world
my blood still runs red and fluid
but my veins swell and fill with tar
and my anger sullies the sunlight

When I speak the words
my voice is now silent
And may lips may smile
but my eyes tell no lies.

crying eye1

Please Love Me!

Ellie Sofia:

This is such a beautiful and touching poem written by my friend, Meghan. Hugs, Meghan xxx <3

Originally posted on Finding Hope's Sunshine:


Please love me the way I am.

I am lonely and broken, helpless and afraid.

I am a pleaser only to find love.

I smile and comply because I want to be accepted.

I don’t speak my mind, for I am afraid.

I don’t want to be myself. No one will like me.

I’ve been betrayed. I’ve been rejected.

I cry out, “Please someone want me!”

Notice my pain.

Help me to see that I am not alone.

Let me see my worth.

It’s not based on what I do, or who I am.

I am accepted, loved and belong in one place.

Help Your love to be enough.


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It’s been a year since the ‘event’, or more correctly ‘non-event’! Yes, I’m harping on about that bloody Facebook issue with my two children!! Sorry to drag this one out from the mire again….just when I thought I’d ‘put it to bed’ too. I thought I’d come to terms with the loss of my relationship with both *Tom* and *Claire* although I hadn’t got over the loss of having no relationship with any of my four small grandchildren, one of whom I’ve never even met and he’s nearly three months now.

Over the last few months there has been some very tentative contact with *Tom and *Claire, and this time I thought I was really getting somewhere at last. After all, I am a different person now than when my daughter hacked into my FB account and found a truth she really didn’t like (that being that I had no contact with them!). Now, (I thought) I’d built my life up despite the family rift. I go to college, I attend church activities and I am doing some volunteering at my local university to further the understanding of mental health with new students training to be Social Workers and CPNs in the community mental health field. I’m working on an eight week project at college (much of which is done at home) and I am in the process of writing my fourth book to be published. So, I can’t be doing all that badly. And yet…still…they won’t ‘forgive’ my mental health conditions, nor, come to that, my physical disability meaning I use a wheelchair. I don’t let either of those conditions stop me from living a full life so why should they be so ‘anti-me’?!

facebook share

I’ve just had a halfway decent conversation with *Claire where I kept it light and didn’t make any demands that they come and see me. And then the ugly subject of FB came up. I mentioned that as things were so different with me now and my thinking clearer (up until tonight, that was), maybe she would accept my friend request so at least I could see photos of my four little ones and keep up with their news. And what did I get?…..Flat out, downright REJECTION again! And this, now, just minutes before my bedtime when I should be thinking of a peaceful repose not a night where I’m up writing my feelings till the wee small hours. I’m more angry than upset but it throws up all my issues of attachment/rejection/abandonment and chucks them in my face! Shit!!!

Why can’t I just cut myself off and disown them….yes, I could with *Tom and *Claire because of what they’ve put and are still putting me through but not my four innocent little grandchildren.

 8 questions I am asking of myself:

  1. Why don’t I stop chasing a dream?
  2. Why can’t I disown them?
  3. Why am I letting this get to me again?
  4. Why am I allowing them to do this to me?
  5. How do I get rid of this bitter taste in my mouth?
  6. Why can’t i forgive them in the name of the Lord and pray and hand it over to God to deal with? I am not strong or mighty enough to cause change to happen. Only God is and in His own time. When will I ever learn? (1 Peter 5:6-7) ~ Humble yourselves, then, under God’s mighty hand, so that he will lift you up in his own good time. Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you ~
  7. Why don’t I have the conviction of my faith and believe enough?

35 Ways to Say, “I Am Sorry”

Ellie Sofia:

This amazingly inspiring list was compiled by a lovely friend of mine here at WP. Thank you, Meghan xxx :)

Originally posted on Finding Hope's Sunshine:


I realize that I have a problem saying “sorry” for things that are not my fault. This little word is way over used, and then when I need to use it for real, it has lost its meaning. I have been on a search for other ways to voice my concern, for when something bad happens and you want other people to know that you care for them. Here is my list. Thank you to all that wrote me, giving your responses. These are just a few ways, but should help get us started in sharing our love.

1.    My heart goes out to you.

2.    I am touched by your situation.

3.    My compassion is with you.

4.    I am impressed by your courage.

5.    My sympathies are with you right now.

6.    Can I pray for you?

7.    You must be overwhelmed right now. How can I help?

8.    I…

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On Sunday, after church, my wheelchair started going wrong. It just about limped home as if it had lost a wheel and then conked out! “Oh, great!”, I thought – now I’m stuck indoors until I can get it repaired……..

It’s Thursday today and I haven’t been out since then and I’ve already missed the first session of a new college course and a church meeting. The wheelchair mechanic came out this morning with two new big batteries, took the old ones off and replaced them with the new shiny ones. He was here a couple of hours and tested the charger too and then said it should be fine. So, I thought I’d get out for some fresh air and to get a few bits in town so I confidently set off and trundled down the hill and then on reaching the cycle path, I bombed off at top speed as I usually do!


I got to the end of the cycle path, then halfway down the next road and past the bend when suddenly the amber flashing warning light came on! I stopped abruptly and thought to myself, “oh, ‘#$*%£&’. I fished into my handbag, tossing out an old house brick and the kitchen sink and delved to the bottom where I found my mobile phone. I rang the workshop and spoke to the mechanic again who said not to go any further (obviously!) and to try and make it back home to my house, (up the steep hill). I looked ahead of me and wondered if my wheelchair (named Charley, by the way, female Charley that is, not male, because women are better drivers, of course!!!), would make it. The mechanic had said if I broke down, to phone him back and he’ll come out to me.

So about turn, and this time I drove carefully around the bend in the road and took it slowly along the cycle path. Now for the hill….Charley huffed and puffed, gradually limping up the road with by now, the red warning light flashing! “C’mon Charley…you can do it”, I said out loud much to the amusement of the two teenagers walking past me at the time. I didn’t think I would make it home but I did. When I got to the door’s threshold, I thought I was home, safe and dry but no, I was wrong! I was stuck! The chair just didn’t have enough ‘oomph’ left in it to go any further. I tried again but again it was no good. Finally, I decided to give it one more final go and revved it up as high as it would go and suddenly, whoosh, we lurched forward, over the threshold at top speed, nearly knocked the front door off its hinges and hurtled down the hallway towards the cloakroom…

speed cloud

We stopped just in the nick of time! Any further and I would have been catapulted headfirst down the toilet in front of me!! Phew! That was close. I eventually got myself into my living-room, phoned the mechanic (again) who very kindly said he would come out tomorrow afternoon to collect my poor Charley and supply me with a loan wheelchair to get me to church on Sunday.

I’ll have to miss college again tomorrow but hey, I’m home in the warm and what’s more I don’t have my head stuck down the toilet thus requiring the fire brigade to attend!!

NEXT INSTALMENT – Sunday morning…..look out world, here I come…………