I despair for the want of a hug

Or some kind, loving words, softly spoken

Caressing my troubled mind; diluting my pain

I am fragile, ‘handle with care’ stamped on my forehead


I want to sleep to make the pain of being conscious

Disappear for at least several hours, if not forever

Handfuls of pills washed down with white rum

I want to cocoon myself and be hidden but the gas man will arrive shortly


He has gone, thankfully. I dislike men in my house

Even good men because appearances can be deceptive

As I’ve learned, painfully from experiences through my life

I do not trust them further than I could throw them


My father is in my head. I want to run, but I am in my pyjamas already

I draw the curtains tightly in every room in my house

So the sunlight cannot mock my pain and misery

I am engulfed in the blackness, the hollow darkness of my mind


I curl up on the sofa by candlelight

I am under a blanket, always; with Huggy, my bear, always

And my blue pillow soaking up the tears that spill

And having taken pills, wait for the welcome oblivion to come


Fuck ‘Bipolar’ – it messes with my head

Fuck ‘Borderline Personality’ – it messes up who I am

As there are five of us; the outer one, whoever that may be

Being the ‘me’ that people I might bump into, know and recognize


Inside me, there are more of me, in hiding, but on guard

Not that anyone can see

But I do see and I know. There is more to me

Than meets the naked eye


Depression, the ‘black dog’, has taken up residence

And refuses to leave now the ‘high’ has gone

Leaving behind it a trail of debt and rainbows

Loss of friendships, broken relationships


I am back in the tunnel, midnight black and very grim

I have lost sight of the light that should be at the end of it

I am blind. I am deaf

People’s words float through my mind like spaceships in the sky


Will there ever be normality again?

Rated on a scale of zero to ten, I am only at zero

I need to be normal for rehab. I need to be faultless for my family

Or risk being discarded by one and all


I despair for the want of a hug. 

2 thoughts on “COCOON

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