I am sad today; some may ask why; others, that i have just cause to feel sad, others being the very few that know of my secret. I am grown woman although very often think myself strange for feeling like ‘my’ four year old child. I feel permanently in mourning for the something i can never recover, my lost childhood.
I was young child and subjected to cruel and ‘don’t tell anyone’ childhood sexual abuse. No-one knew….I tried to tell but the words always fell silently from my lips, in fear and with much hesitation. The abuse continued, unbeknown to a soul, other than me and him, him and me, no-one else, (him, being my father). I never thought of him as my father – he was always, for my entire childhood, the monster who came in the dark. He smelled bad, of grime, sherry and salted peanuts, pipe tobacco on his skanky breath and Brylcreem hair making me feel so sick that i wanted to throw up, but i dare’d not for the beating i would have got.
I am sad today; memories falling in on me like a tumbling wall of bricks, until i am hurting and bruised. I cannot soothe myself. I need someone to care, i need someone to tell me it’s ok, it’ll be over soon. My silent words echo back at me….
The sun has lost its rays,
The moon is absent of its shine
The stars no longer glimmer
Through the dense layer of rainclouds
Obscuring the deep black midnight sky
So that, no brightness can I see
My vision dark, now I am blind
To the beauty of the world
I cannot see the first snowdrops in February
Nor the yellow of the early daffodils in Spring
The first new blades of grass, dull to the eye
The delight of the first birdsong falls on deaf ears
My sight has become dim
No ray of hope to lift my spirits
From the bottom of the oak barrel
My thoughts are hiding in
My heart filled with yawning sorrow
As I grieve for one lost so very long ago
My child’s primary years stolen from her
Yet they were her right to live each day
My world turned deepest grey
Evolving into the darkness of fear
With the coming of each new waking day
And worse still, each and every night
Lying awake so frightened
She never dare to open her eyes
As she knew the crack of light would appear
And her young life robbed so cruelly from her
I am lost in the darkness, in my mourning
My world has become stagnant and repugnant
The ebb and flow of the tides ceased
I need someone to unlock the pain in my soul
Who is the holder of the key?
For it is not I, at this moment, though I search
Through the chaos and the Bedlam
My life has fallen into and is trapped in that place
I need a hand to reach out and touch mine
I need gentle arms to hold me while I weep
Freeing my grief from the locked cage it is in
I need kind words to soothe my four year old.
I need a gentle hand to hold, a kind word softly spoken. I need my bear. I am a grown woman.