A blogger friend of mine has given me the courage to speak out about an experience i went through but have never spoken about, at least not publicly. and OMG, why am i doing this? Am i mad, or stupid, ignorant perhaps? Maybe, all three, as i’m sure society in general would agree. 


It was in my early thirties. I am in my early fifties now. I didn’t tell anyone until twelve years ago when i blurted it out to my therapist one day, followed by a moment’s silence, then followed by me bursting into floods of tears and trying to speak but all that was coming out of my mouth right then was absolute ‘gibberish’! After a while, i remember my therapist telling me to take some deep breaths because by then i was hyperventilating, and to try and speak slowly. I suddenly said amidst the tears, “IVE BEEN RAPED”! There, i’ve said it!


I had seperated from my abusive husband: I had two young children asleep in their beds upstairs. HE was a friend of my ex’s who often used to pop in for coffee and the occasional sandwich and chat I didn’t think anything of it. Why should i have? Then on one of these days, he’d come in for a coffee, i presumed, and i chat as he said. Nothing unusual in that. We did just that; sat on the sofa watching TV, drinking our usual coffee and had had a cheese and chutney sandwich each. “Anymore coffee going?” he asked nonchalantly. I got up to go to the kitchen when suddenly, WHAM! I found myself thrown to the floor, face down into the pile of the brown shag-pile carpet of the living-room. I was shocked, my nose was bleeding: I tried to get up but quickly felt him sitting above me and tugging my jogging bottoms down. I wanted to scream “NO!!!” but nothing came out and i couldn’t get away. He had me pinned to the floor; his legs pinning down mine. He quickly unfastened his trousers and then pinned my arms to the floor with his. “Oh, my God,  I’m trapped and i know he’s going to rape me”, flashed through my mind, in terror.


Then suddenly i felt him shoving and shoving himself against me, over and over again and then to my horror he pushed his penis, not into my vagina, but into my bum. The pain was horrendous; i’ve never felt anything like it. I screamed into the carpet as i felt my flesh tear as he was pushing at me over and over again. Then, quickly, he pulled away, yelled at me “DON’T MOVE’ and bolted for the front door and his car. I started sobbing; there was blood all over the carpet and at first i couldn’t move because of the pain and the i was in. 


When i could move, i slowly got to my knees, grabbed a handful of tissues and pulled myself up onto the sofa, In a state of shock, i remembered that he was bisexual (not that i have any negative views of either bisexual or homosexual men or women at all), but i realised that what he he done was not officially rape; he had buggered me!


Those of you, my friends, who have followed my blog, will know that i was severely sexually abused and raped by my father and my piano teacher right through my childhood. I had it drummed into me so firmly that i MUST NOT tell anyone; that it was a secret; it was me that was a bad and dirty girl, so much so that i didn’t tell a soul, no-one about this until i told my therapist that day. Until this day, i have vivid flashbacks that reduce my to tears as writing this has done at the moment. I remember the pain. I remember the humiliation. I remembered not to tell extremely well!


I can’t believe i’ve said all that. I still feel bad, dirty, contaminated so will you all think that too. I almost feel a traitor for telling the truth. Now, have i got the courage to press the ‘Publish’ button. Well, either i do it now or i press the delete button. I’m in a dilemma but here goes…..





11 thoughts on “RAPE IS RAPE!!

  1. I don’t think you are dirty or contaminated – this was not your fault and this awful thing happened to you but it does not define you. I think you are an amazing person for having the courage to tell your story. You pressed the publish button – that is, well the word ‘wow’ springs to mind – I never know what to say when people call me strong or courageous online, but you are! And as you say in your title, rape is rape. And I think technically this is now classed as rape too. But either way, rape is rape. And sexual abuse of any kind is wrong, plain and simple. Please be kind to you now as you process having pressed publish – it can take a lot out of us speaking about these things. Sending you lots of love and support. Right here with you xx

    1. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and message – it really does mean a lot to me. Thank you for your love and for understanding of me….we stand together, us folk who have been in such a painful place. Love and Hugs to you too xoxox

  2. super big squeeze coming your way my dear. I know how scary it is to put that out there after you’ve kept it under wraps for so long. You are not dirty. You are not crazy. You are strong and brave and courageous and have such a beautiful heart. I’m so glad you let those words leave your mouth today with your therapist. I’m so proud of you. Thinking of you! take care!

  3. This is heart wrenching and expresses such a violent act extremely eloquently. It must have taken a lot of courage. Well done for sharing and I expect your post may help others to deal with similar pasts. You have my admiration and best wishes for your future.

  4. You’re a very courageous woman for posting this. I’m a 14 year old girl and have never gone anything like this, but I teared up while reading this. Rape Is Rape. It saddens me that people don’t understand something as simple as that. But, You’re Brave, and it wasn’t your fault, no matter what the society says.

    Blessed Be!

  5. I would consider that rape. Because if it was a guy on guy and the guy forced his penis into the other guys butt it would be considered rape so why not the same with a girl. I know the pain. I remember the first time a guy forced himself on me in the butt it was so painful and I was bleeding. I also remember bleeding because a guy forced himself on me vaginally. Now when it happens I don’t bleed probably because that area has been loosened up and I have learned to breath while it happening and relax. Sounds crazy but I learned that if guy is going to rape me he will do it no matter what I do so trying to relax my body and breath until I can get out of the situation helps me because then its less painful. Mind you its usually always painful and guys don’t give a damn I have screamed out in pain and said ow that hurts and they just keep going. I am sorry you had to go through that, that is really painful and traumatic.

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