ANOREXIA R.I.P.

Firstly, i want to make it very clear that this is not, in anyway, shape or form, a post in favour of living an anorexic lifestyle! Quite the opposite as i have learned the hard way – living with anorexia is a nightmare from hell. I am writing this today because i have finally reached my goal of hitting the target of being a ‘normal’ weight, or in other words, i have finally touched the line on the BMI chart that my doctor uses, that tells me i’m healthy after such a long, hard battle, fought and won! I am, of course, pleased although the anorexia who was my ‘friend’ for so many years, is stamping it’s feet in protest! This is not going to be a post where i go into the details of weight, what i eat, what it was like in hospital all those times, the long-term effect, both mentally and physically that it has had on my life, or even the obvious stress caused to my family and the few friends who stuck it out with me. It has been a long, hard, uphill struggle as anorexia does not give up easily and tends to hang around like a bad smell even though i want to be free of any lasting vestige of this wicked disease.

It started when i was very young; when i was being abused and in my childish mind, i thought “if i can just get small enough, he won’t get me!”. Of course, that didn’t work and if anything, had the opposite effect but my little mind, at that time could not compute that fact; or as a therapist once pointed out that had i been bigger, i could have fought him off!! As if that was very likely, i don’t think! I thought for a long time that by restricting my food, i could be in control of what was happening to me. Naturally, it very obviously didn’t stop the abuse i was going through, not for the want of trying.

It’s hard to let go of something you have lived with which purported to be my best friend for all those years and it tried it’s best to pull me back into it’s black hole.The simple poem i wrote depicts how hard it is to let go, no matter so genuinely want to. It is a fight every single day but i know that i have to stay strong to have any semblance of a ‘normal’ life if it is possible to live a normal life after a lifetime of horrific sexual abuse, a battle which i still fight daily and continually.

 

goals wordle

 

ANOREXIA, R.I.P.

I’m scared today, more than I was yesterday

Because I never, ever thought that I would lose you

And as I looked around and saw you walk away

I know we’ve been such good friends, stuck like glue

You must have left, quietly through an open door

Because I never loved you enough to keep you near

And when I turned around and watched you leaving me

Then I thought you’d be the one who’d stay sincere

 

And where to now, do I journey by myself, alone?

And how do I go on, without you now being so close

I can’t believe you’ve gone, forever from my side

I knew you were the one that mattered most

You’ve travelled far, been my ever faithful friend

Through all my early days, until the end I felt you’d stay

Through all my life-long years, you’ve been my companion

I never wanted you to go away

And from this day, what will future years bring now

Well do I really need, you having squatters’ rights in my head?

I crave the isolation, the knowing you’ll be there

I proved them wrong, as I’d always said

But what the cost? Have I damaged, permanently

This body that I have, detested in the looking glass

When I first trod my path, I never could have guessed

This tale to tell has turned out one big farce

And it breaks my beating heart

I never wanted to be apart

From you, my loyal friend

Right to the very end.

ANOREXIA IS ABSOLUTELY, DEFINITELY, NOT THE FRIEND IT TRICKS YOU INTO THINKING IT IS.cannot make that clear enough. 

Image

I HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR AND AM NOT GIVING UP! 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s