Today has just been of those days when i am wondering whether to write a blog tonight and if i do, will it be absolute rubbish?. I’m so tired and my disability is causing me problems today. My legs are painful and my left foot has spasmed painfully inwards. My back has a pricking sensation all the way up my spine which makes me shiver. My left arm has been totally uncooperative today and my dexterity is just so poor that i apologize for any spelling/grammatical mistakes i make this evening. My condition has a very fancy name with a very simple explanation.It’s called Cervical Myelopathy with Cervical and Lumbo-Sacral Radiculopathy!! Try saying that one when you’ve had one too many! You won’t find it in a medical book although you may well uncover something with a Google or Bing search. Basically, what it means is that i have damage to the nerves and nerve endings that attach to the spinal cord, caused mostly, in my case by a injury sustained in a car accident a few years ago. This has left me with partial paralysis, pain, numbness but also pricking sensations, muscles spasms and cramps. I use a wheelchair to get about in a specially adapted home for which i am thankful. I get out occasionally to meet the few friends that have not deserted the ‘sinking ship’ and a very supportive family.
How strange that i will talk willingly about my physical health but so reluctantly about my mental health problems caused by the trauma of the abuse i suffered a a child which i have written about in previous blogs. However, the pain i suffer from the memories and flashbacks of my abuse are far more severe than the pain from my current physical condition which can be readily diagnosed by a medical specialist.
My abuse murdered my childhood, stole away so many years of my life. My current days and nights are continually haunted, leaving me feeling sick and frightened once again:
When the voices of children are heard on the green And whisperings are in the dale: The days of my youth rise fresh in my mind My face turns green and pale.
Then come home my children, the sun is gone down And the dews of night arise Your spring and your day are wasted in play And your winter and night in disguise.
‘The Nurses Song’ by William Blake
The above reading is taken from the book ‘Songs on Innocence and Experience’, so aptly named.
I am tired and weary now, it being way past my usual time of repose and i wonder how i will get through the next haunted day. I write:
The day will put down roots on my shoulders tonight
The sky, dusky, above me; this day lost to time
This day I have made it through, against all odds
And although the sky is now dark, sleep cannot find me
How do I get through another day
When sometimes, I hardly know myself?
Yet sometimes, I know myself too much and it hurts
And my ideas and thoughts sit heavy on my mind
The darkness is my friend but sleep evades me
I tire during the day, and my muscles are taught
Like the strings of an old, dusty Stradivarius
Playing a lullaby to aid my slumber
Why another day when I have had so many already?
Packed tightly together melting into hours and seasons
I long for the navy sky, littered with bright stars
I need sweet dreams. I have nightmares
I am sore and weary through the lack of rest and sleep
Another day I have to pull myself up my bootlaces
And face the world and the human race and smile
When under my skin, tears of pain and sorrow overwhelm me.
It is now the early hours of dawn and i have punished myself for my past by depriving myself of a night’s much sleep. I just don’t understand my complicated mind sometimes. And after all, it is just another day.