Just when i thought i was over you, my little Ellie, you go and knock on the window to my heart, needing me to hear you. i really, genuinely thought you were all grown up now, and coping but here you are again. And i’m so sorry i haven’t been listening to you and i know you’re mad at me.
Hey, my mad little girl, i am hearing you now. I’m sorry i’ve been telling myself that i don’t need you anymore. You came back, just like that…..FLASHBACK!….You were four years old and i wasn’t even there for you. .I am paralyzed now; trapped in my past memories, such painful memories of what happened to you back then. Now i am hurting too but it is not your fault, little girl, please believe me. Please believe that i still love you and i always will. I know you are angry with me. I hear your pain. I see you, out there in the rain which falls as tears running down your little cheeks. I know you are scared and i understand why but i can’t quite reach you to hold you in my arms and hug the pain and the memories away although i so want to. Are you angry because i am afraid too? I understand if you are.
I know i couldn’t make him stop hurting you but i did try. I never gave up. But he was bigger and stronger than me with an evil and twisted mind. I fought for you but he’d always beat me down into silence when i really wanted to scream, and i know you wanted to scream too but were too afraid of the repercussions, of his threats.
Why did i think it would be so easy to push you away when so obviously need me? And i let you down. I am so sorry, my love. What on this Earth made me think i was over you? i think i was frightened too and didn’t want to see all those times when you were hurt and treated so badly. You had no childhood to speak of, every second, every day, week, month, year, went by with you desperately wanting it all to stop. I wish i could turn the clock back and be brave and strong enough to fight him, to scream NO! NO MORE! But of course, i can’t do that in reality, no matter how hard i try. My efforts are futile and my shouts and screams would fall on deaf ears.
I am lost too, little one and i am so sorry i’m of little help but please believe me when i say that i love you, i’ve always loved you and i always will. HUGS, my hurting child, HUGS.
And just when i thought i was over you….