KILLING ME SOFTLY

After my earlier blog, I did go to see my new therapist but it was so harrowing, I could only write these words. They are not clever or articulate. They are basic.They are feelings which hardly touch the edge. They are the crater at the top of a volcano which may erupt and spew it’s contents at any time. They are me.

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(My experience of abusive therapy)

Eight years gone; vanished from my life

Deaf ears to the pleading all around me

Every minute of my life consumed by you

You told me that you loved me

I couldn’t survive apart from you

Every time you left me, a part of me died

And I shrivelled further into my anorexia

And permanently scarred my body

“Love me, hug me, and kiss me please”

“I need to be in your arms”

“Never leave me”, I implored

“You are my favourite mum”

I needed you. You needed me

When you were absent for a while

My world fell in. I was lost without you

Like a body deprived of oxygen

I didn’t know then, that you were toxic

You loved me too much; so much that it hurt

Unspeakable, unbearable pain

Cut into my flesh; forever imperfect

We text’d, “With love and hugs”

I cried down the phone, so near yet so far

Without you, I was helpless

I replaced you with alcohol and pills

My father died; you left me

With words that pierced my heart

I hid in a corner and died that day

Wanting to evaporate into spirit

That could fetch you back

The hospital staff disliked me

Because it was my fault and I wasn’t ill

They couldn’t see that you were killing me softly

.

4 thoughts on “KILLING ME SOFTLY

  1. Reblogged this on elliesofia and commented:

    I’m reblogging this post as a precursor to my following post. I am still dealing with the destruction left behind by my eight-year encounter with an emotionally abusive therapist, Ellie.

  2. It’s terrible and such an awful turn of events when someone who has been entrusted with the “highest” power and confidential to do “well” does more harm – and for the pain you have suffered Ellie – I am so sorry.

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