This is me giving myself a good talking to about trying to be more positive after a session with my therapist today where i’d said that i was fed up of being down or in other words, i’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder (see my last blog). I see everything in black and white.There is no grey in my emotions: positive or negative; up or down; happy or sad; calm or manic etc. I know my emotions can and do, fluctuate in a matter of hours, if not minutes. I never know where i am at, where i will be or where i’m going with my heart. My heart feels everything including feeling deeply for other people too. I care about others, i worry, i want to help, i want to be there for them.
But then my therapist asked, “well, where are you for you?” And she had me stumped, till i answered “nowhere” and was then taken aback by my own response.
OK, so i have BPD – i know that, and sometimes i have good days and sometimes they are bad and i can’t predict when these tidal waves are going to crash. Today happens to be a ‘happy’ day (tomorrow i could be in the mud again). Today, i can tell myself not to take everything to heart because that’s when i hurt the most. When i let past memories intrude and bring me down, quite understandably so and with good reason to, and sometimes, i have to go back there and visit; but i don’t want to let that to become my place of residence.
I have to stop and think; try to act less impulsively. A difficult one that as anyone with BPD will know. Maybe i’m writing this impulsively: I probably am as it’s midnight, my time and i should have gone to bed ages ago as i have to up for my carers to come (i’m disabled), at 5.30am which i’m quite happy to do most days, at least when i’ve had enough sleep.
Anyway, i’m going off the track as i often do! Basically, i don’t want my emotions to rule my head all the time; sometimes my head has gotta learn how to tame those emotions if i’m to have any control over my life. For a pessimist, i can be pretty optimistic,(on a good day this is!). I’ve lived my whole life being miserable: I don’t want to spend the rest of doing the same…..what a waste of a life!
I read a good blog this morning by a guy who has overcome BPD successfully and he really inspired me and i’m now following his blog (thanks Edward – you know who you are, i think anyway).
So, basically this is in complete contrast to yesterday (back to the black and white thinking), but who knows, tomorrow i might feel like the girl in yesterday’s video again. So, today is obviously a pretty positive day but what will tomorrow bring? I guess i’ll just have to wait and see. I’ve got to stop wanting to be in control of everything all the time and learn, sometimes, just to let the tidal wave wash over me and still be able to stand up and say, “Well, i made it; i’m still here, i’m just ME”!