BORDERLINE RAPE (THE BOX)

This morning, i saw my therapist. I tried to tell her more about what i had tried to blog about yesterday. I tried to give her a sketchy outline. I didn’t even get close when i had a huge flashback which made it impossible to say any more other than that i wanted to put it back in the box had been in, seal it over and over with parcel tape, super-glue the lid down, tie over the tape with tough rope and hide it away at the back of a locked wardrobe in a room i never go in, lock the door and throw the key away. She passed me the box of tissues; i hadn’t realized i’d been sobbing.

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She was kind. she said that i obviously wasn’t able to talk about it yet and that i would when i felt safe enough. But, i sobbed, “I wanted to tell you about it. I need to get it out!” It’s burning a hole in my heart and putting a nail through my soul. “I want to tell you”, i repeated and tried again which resulted in me having a massive panic attack, suffice it to say, this rendered me unable to speak at all for a minute, leaving me blind and mute and then all i was capable of was nodding my head for ‘yes’ and shaking my head for ‘no’. I couldn’t go on; i was exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically and i guess it was just as well that she said, “We’ll have end now for today. take care of yourself”.

 

I don’t remember coming home with my carer. She knew nothing of what had happened either at the time or in therapy today. We came into the house. I was silent. She had to leave, saying my evening carer would be here later to get me ready for bed. I want to go to bed to hide under my duvet with my bear, my comfort zone, but i’m scared to close my eyes to sleep, for fear of the vivid and terrifying nightmares i had all last night, repeating all over again. I want a razor blade to cut through my flesh, releasing the pain. I want handful of tablets to stop me thinking. I want this to stop. I want to die…

 

6 thoughts on “BORDERLINE RAPE (THE BOX)

  1. Breaks my heart. Makes me angry that anyone could do this to someone, especially one who is already broken. My protective nature wants to stand guard, defend, and have justice. So sorry Ellie 😦 My words feel lame, and pale. Any comfort I can give, I do.

  2. Oh no! I am so upset this has happened to you!!! This is not ok. Big hugs. I want to go beat this guy up! I hadn’t seen any posts since the one about your kids and came to check on you, and I see these two!!! Know that I am thinking of you. I am sorry. When you are ready I look forward to encouraging you as you press those dreaded keys on your keyboard and then hit publish. Xx

  3. Thank you so much for your reply and your hugs. I so need safe hugs at the moment. . I don’t know when i will be able to hit ‘Publish’. For the moment, it is all back in its box xxx

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