[THIS POST HAS HAD TO BE STRONGLY EDITED – I will explain why in my next Post]
I don’t know how or if to write this. This is going out there into the world but i am so, so ashamed. I haven’t told anyone at all about this yet because of my shame. I don’t know if i can do this. What will you think of me? I can’t believe this happened….i need to tell someone. I wish i could keep this locked up in its box where it’s been hiding, and rightly so.
He marched me into the living room, my hands twisted behind my back and his hand over my mouth to stop me screaming. I was petrified. He pushed me down, forcefully on to the living room floor and then tugged at my black leggings and knickers, pulling them down to my knees. I knew what he was going to do….or so i thought. I went to scream. He yelled at me to shut up. I could never in my life, never, imagine what he was going to do next. I thought he would loosen his trousers and pants and i knew, with horror, that he was going to rape me. But then i was stunned but what he did. [STRONGLY EDITED] My body, to my disgust, responded while my head was screaming “NO“. He smiled, saying, “I’m so glad you enjoyed that, girlie. You want some more, don’t you?”. I was mortified and so sickened by my own body – how could it betray me like that…how?! Oh, the shame. I was just so, so ashamed.
He was laughing and laughing as he then did the inevitable. He loosened his trousers and proceeded to rape me, roughly. I wanted to die, right there and then, i wanted to die. I was nothing but a whore and i deserved that. He stood up, straightening his clothing, threatening, “If you tell anybody, i’ll come back and get you again”. The tears just streamed down my face in shock, horror and disgust.
I was hurting as i sat up, then finding a red, blood stain on the blue carpet, there as if to tell the world, as if to give my secret away. I just sat there and sobbed and sobbed.
When i eventually managed to get up, which i did with great difficulty because of my disability, i hated myself so, so strongly. I stumbled into the kitchen to do the only thing i knew how to do, to punish myself. I grabbed a knife from the draining board and sliced it into my arm. Blood started to drip on to the floor and i grabbed a tea-towel to try to stop it.
I haven’t told anyone of my shame and disgust yet and now i have to choose whether to find the courage to press the ‘PUBLISH’ button, or delete the whole page and pretend it didn’t happen. I can’t decide. I am burying my face in my hands. I’m scared. I can’t do it. I know i need someone to hear me. Deep breath. My hands are shaking. I don’t know if i can do this. I have to, i have to, i have to, i have to. I hate myself for doing this. I’m going to do it, hit the button but the pain; the shame…