BORDERLINE RAPE: OH, MY SHAME

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[THIS POST HAS HAD TO BE STRONGLY EDITED – I will explain why in my next Post]

I don’t know how or if to write this. This is going out there into the world but i am so, so ashamed. I haven’t told anyone at all about this yet because of my shame. I don’t know if i can do this. What will you think of me? I can’t believe this happened….i need to tell someone. I wish i could keep this locked up in its box where it’s been hiding, and rightly so.

 

He marched me into the living room, my hands twisted behind my back and his hand over my mouth to stop me screaming. I was petrified. He pushed me down, forcefully on to the living room floor and then tugged at my black leggings and knickers, pulling them down to my knees. I knew what he was going to do….or so i thought. I went to scream. He yelled at me to shut up. I could never in my life, never, imagine what he was going to do next. I thought he would loosen his trousers and pants and i knew, with horror, that he was going to rape me. But then i was stunned but what he did. [STRONGLY EDITED] My body, to my disgust, responded while my head was screaming “NO“. He smiled, saying, “I’m so glad you enjoyed that, girlie. You want some more, don’t you?”. I was mortified and so sickened by my own body – how could it betray me like that…how?!  Oh, the shame. I was just so, so ashamed.

 

He was laughing and laughing as he then did the inevitable. He loosened his trousers and proceeded to rape me, roughly. I wanted to die, right there and then, i wanted to die. I was nothing but a whore and i deserved that. He stood up, straightening his clothing, threatening, “If you tell anybody, i’ll come back and get you again”. The tears just streamed down my face in shock, horror and disgust.

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I was hurting as i sat up, then finding a red, blood stain on the blue carpet, there as if to tell the world, as if to give my secret away. I just sat there and sobbed and sobbed.

 

When i eventually managed to get up, which i did with great difficulty because of my disability, i hated myself so, so strongly. I stumbled into the kitchen to do the only thing i knew how to do, to punish myself. I grabbed a knife from the draining board and sliced it into my arm. Blood started to drip on to the floor and i grabbed a tea-towel to try to stop it. 

 

I haven’t told anyone of my shame and disgust yet and now i have to choose whether to find the courage to press the ‘PUBLISH’ button, or delete the whole page and pretend it didn’t happen. I can’t decide. I am burying my face in my hands. I’m scared. I can’t do it. I know i need someone to hear me. Deep breath. My hands are shaking. I don’t know if i can do this. I have to, i have to, i have to, i have to. I hate myself for doing this. I’m going to do it, hit the button but the pain; the shame…

21 thoughts on “BORDERLINE RAPE: OH, MY SHAME

      1. No no honey. I hate that this happened to you. I hate that someone caused you pain. You are not a whore. No reason to be sorry. You are not dirty. You are hurt. It’s okay to be sad. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Try not to hate yourself… You don’t have to hate yourself… I know it’s hard. It’s so comfortable to hate oneself – We know all of our faults.

      1. No hating, and no judging from across the ocean here. 🙂 xxxx You are very welcome, and I thank you for your kindness. Your willingness to share. It’s brave. It makes me brave to read it… I can relate to some of your feelings. Though my story is different. ❤

  1. Oh honey! I’m so, so sorry that you went through this again :-(. I wish I could have been there to stop him! I wish I could be there with you right now as you deal with this pain. You are not a whore. You did nothing to deserve this. The shame is HIS!! Sending you big hugs & all my love & support! ❤

  2. Jen, i feel so scared. I wish you could be here with me, too. I feel so alone. Thank you so much for your love and support and much needed hugs It means a lot to me xxx

  3. Yes, i have and they are still looking for him. He has moved on and is only known by his first name. Being interviewed so many times and making a statement was harrowing although the police were very kind. I pray they find him before he hurts someone else.

  4. Oh my dear. Why is this called borderline rape? This sweetheart is rape… Twice. You are not dirty. The body responds because it’s a body, it’s so so common and has nothing to do with you as a person. I’m glad you went to the police, this shows your strength. Oh how I wish I could fly over and give you the biggest hug I’ve ever given anyone in my whole life. You are so strong for posting this. You do not have to be alone in your shame, we are here to relieve your burden. Don’t delete this post. You are strong and you deserve for your story to be heard. My heart is truly aching for you

    1. Thank you so much, my friend for reassuring me that i am not dirty when i feel i will be for the rest of my life. I would so welcome that hug at the moment and it is so kind of you. The police have taken the book he left behind to get finger-prints etc. I still feel so awful for publishing this when i still feel so disgusting. I am trying desperately hard not to delete this; the only, only thing stopping me doing that is just that the kind and understanding comments my friends, like you, have sent and the support you have given me.. I feel it would be an insult to wipe them all out. I wish i had someone with me, over here, that cared so much but i have not told anyone apart from the police and have begged them not to let my family and friends hear of this. I hope they respect my wishes. They seemed to understand and were kind. I can’t thank you enough for your thoughtful and loving words xxx

  5. Ellie, I want you to know that rape is very common and it is a dirty little secret. You did nothing wrong, you need to find a good counselor to help you deal with this abuse. I am sending you a prayer of peace, love and health that GOD in JESUS CHRIST name will surround you with his angels of protection. Hold you tight in his arms as you are a child of his. All you have to do is ask GOD to help you and he will, make him your Lord and Savior it’s a personal relationship. No need to do any more than ask GOD for help. I am terrified for you as you are so hurt and need a safe friend to help you. Melody

  6. I am so sorry that you had to endure this kind horror. You have given yourself a voice here and you should be very proud of yourself. It takes strength and courage to speak out. You have done that in spades.
    Hugs to you.
    Tee

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