Because of my recent intrusion by that sick, unwanted gate-crasher to my site, i no longer feel safe to speak my mind. I am holding back all my hurts, all of my pain, for fear of being ridiculed again. I no longer feel free to speak, to express myself, to write, create in public, even in this ‘safe’ blogging world. Do i stop putting pen to paper, scared to put one foot in front of the other?
Do i hide myself away in the cupboard in have spent my life in, confined, silenced, dumb? I feel like a prisoner behind bars and someone has thrown the key away. I am shut away like a criminal, never to be free to speak my mind again. I am trapped in my silent world.
All because of ‘him’….the stealthy intruder, my skulking, uninvited guest.. Another ‘him’, like all the other ‘hims’ who have hurt me my entire life. I know i shouldn’t generalize but considering where i’ve been, it’s difficult not to. I am always wary of men, always frightened they will hurt me; use and abuse me. I no longer trust anyone; it’s too risky; it’s putting my feelings to stake so i keep them inside as i always have, locked away in their little box, far away from society or civilization.
Once again, i have been silenced.