TRYING TO MOVE ON.

I  feel so screwed up today; I am hurting. I think a mixture of BPD throwing my emotions all over the place, (frustration because i can’t get my new avatar to show up in my thumbnail) – i wanted it to depict me and my inner child, me being Ellie Sofia and she, Little Ellie. This is the image i chose to represent ‘us’ which should be in my thumbnail and isn’t!

Image

My inner child is trying to ‘grow up’, away from all the pain and the trauma. Little Ellie is running as fast as her little legs can carry her to get away from her raw emotions and memories.

Sometimes, i feel like a helter skelter, up and down like a yoyo and i’ve changed my blog page more times than i’ve had hot dinners to try and keep up with each passing phase. This page was supposed to be a new, bright start and yet i keep getting pulled into the dirt again.

I trying to move on, i so want to move on, move forward, leave my past behind me as if none of it was true, none of it really happened. I want to think of green trees and sunshine, smiles and sandy beaches; i want to think of cute kittens and pink candyfloss. But, no, here i am again, going round and round the same hamster wheel, while desperate to climb the little chrome ladder to escape it all, to escape the cage that locks me up as a ‘victim‘. I want, so much, to be a survivor, not a victim and i strive every day to try and fit this ‘adult’ role. But my Little Ellie refuses to let go of my heartstrings, refuses to stop crying, refuses to grow-up. We are both so tightly entwined, we are bound by our umbilical cord, we are one no matter how hard i try to fight it.

And then, i hear this song which i feel compelled to find on Youtube and it literally brings me to my knees, with Ellie Sofia, sobbing and my Little Ellie a crumpled heap on the floor and incapable of even lifting her petite, little head let alone, standing up and ‘moving on’. {It is only fair to say to you, please don’t watch this clip if you’re feeling very vulnerable}. IT HURTS. It hurt me to the core and so much, it left me crying in pain and flooded with unwanted thoughts and terrifying memories.

I’m sorry, i’m truly sorry, my dear, dear friends, if this leaves you crumpled too but i want us all to feel less alone with our pain, our ongoing war to survive each day.

This is why i am trying to move on, run as fast as the wind, escape the black hole, fighting the hard battle of change.

This is why is why i’m trying to move on.

4 thoughts on “TRYING TO MOVE ON.

  1. Did you draw the avatar? It’s beautiful and it speaks volumes to me. I love it. Of course the past is going to bog you down no matter how hard you try yo start fresh and be cheery. The important thing is that you keep trying to start fresh and you keep moving forward. Think of your trauma as a… Purse?? instead of a tumor. You take it with you everywhere because it’s a part of you. Sometimes it’s heavy and sometimes it’s light…. But you carry it regardless. You don’t think twice about picking it up on your way out the door because it’s a part of you…

  2. Thank you, my friend for shedding some light of hope onto my current darkness. What you say here makes so much sense, now i’ve read it a few times. Maybe, my ‘purse’ will be a little lighter by tomorrow and i shall be able to write something more positive. I can’t take the credit for my avatar. The outer ring was traced from a book of mine and my friend drew Ellie Sofia and Little Ellie xxx

  3. Hope you have a wonderful day. So sorry that you are feeling vulnerable. Just love little Ellie. Be the Mother and Father to her that you yourself are needing. I am still need to know, did you get your daughter back? Do you have good relationships with your son? I hope that you get to have them both in your life, even if they are at a distance. Please let me know, I have been thinking about you ever since I read your blog. Meghan

  4. Thank you so much for your message, Meghan,which is so kind. As for my children; well i have just started having tentative contact with my daughter, two brief but ok phone calls, two weeks apart which is a positive step at last and in the right direction although things are still very fragile. Sadly, i don’t have contact with my son. My daughter lives a long way from me now so i don’t get to see her but at least there is some communication there after so long.Thanks for caring. Ellie xx

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