WHO AM I…REALLY….’COMING OUT’

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There’s more to me than meets the eye. In actual fact, there are five me’s! Sound confusing? It is for me too…..You are on the outside, looking in. I am on the inside, looking out. I have a form of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I don’t like the term ‘Multiple Personality’. My personality is not mixed up like the ingredients in a cake mix. It is my inner identities playing different roles in my life but they all part of me and no, I am not mad, just complex. I am five identities, all very different and who, consciously, i have no control of. although i have been working through therapy in order to become ‘united’, to become one ‘whole’ rather than five parts. Let me introduce myself:

 

I am Caroline. I am organized, tidy, well-spoken (even if i do say so myself), and mostly holding us all together to make some sense. I answer the phone when it rings as i know what i’m talking about. I am intelligent and polite. 

 

Hiya! I’m Liz. I think that Caroline is bossy – we don’t get on. I like to have fun and enjoy myself. I laugh at jokes and funny situations. (She’s too serious). I like a giggle and I make friends easily and am almost always happy. I like to go to the fair, go clothes shopping with my mates and watch a funny film with popcorn, of course, always.

 

I  am Gut. I’m in charge. I tell them all what to do, when and how. I like to tease Chloe and laugh when she’s scared or she’s crying. I like to upset the others. I hate them all and like to hurt them.

 

Mmm….I’m Chloe, i’m little, i”m frightened of everything, i am very scared of Gut because he hurts me and i get upset easily. I cry when people tease me…..i don’t like people much. They hurt me. Bye bye.

 

Baby; I had no name and never wore more than a nappy, always cried, was very neglected and my cries went unheard by all except Chloe. Chloe knew how cold and alone i felt but she was too young to reach me. The others didn’t hear me. I died of neglect.

 

WE are Ellie, whoever that is. I am the body, the shell who you all know. (Some of you have seen Chloe too). I’m ‘normal’ on the outside but confused on the inside. I’m sensitive. My body is scarred from the damage Gut has made me do. He has tried to make me take my own life many times, and more than once, nearly succeeded. I love ‘the girls’ to bits although i am lost somewhere indeterminable.

 

I wasn’t born with Dissociative Disorder. 95% of the time, it is caused by severe and prolonged trauma or abuse of a child, particularly sexual abuse and ritual abuse.

 

So now you know me a little better. Either that, or you think i’m a complete weirdo. But i love you all dearly, my friends and care about you a lot. But now i have exposed myself for who i really am, will you still love me?

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8 thoughts on “WHO AM I…REALLY….’COMING OUT’

  1. Hello, Caroline, Liz, Gut, Chloe, and Baby! Nice to meet you all! Baby, I am so very sorry you died 😦 I wish I could hold you and put some clothes on! Some nice and warm pajamas with a zipper from your toes to your neck! Chloe, don’t be afraid of Gut. Gut is strong and is doing her best to protect you all. Gut, you may say you hate everyone else, but I know it’s because you’re scared. They love you, and I believe you can trust them and learn to work with them. Instead of picking up a knife or blade next time, I hope you’ll choose to pick up Chloe and hold her so she feels safe. Liz, I love movies and popcorn too! Caroline, thank you for helping everyone keep organized and for helping Ellie keep strong as she goes about her daily tasks. Ellie, thank you for being brave enough for sharing. I’d like to suggest that, instead of integrating, you help everyone learn to work together and respect each other. Here is an article I read this week that made me question integration therapy myself. Maybe Gut will be more open to learning to work together than integrating into one person. xx Hugs http://discussingdissociation.com/2008/12/18/integration-a-requirement-for-did-therapy-or-not/

  2. I can’t thank you enough for understanding as well as you do and not thinking me very peculiar. Your reassurance means so much to all of us and i will definitely have a careful look into the link you kindly sent me. When i woke this morning i was so scared that I’d let my true self show for the first time. I was frightened that i would be ridiculed. I felt so exposed and naked that my first thought was to Trash this post. It was only your kind comment that stopped me doing so. We thank you from the bottom of our heart for understanding us when so few do. With our love, Caroline, Liz, Gut, Chloe and Ellie xxx ❤

    1. I am amazed and honoured by your nomination. Thank you, Meghan, for this and for understanding the real me who only comes out in my WordPress blogs. Hugs and Blessings, Ellie xxx

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