There’s more to me than meets the eye. In actual fact, there are five me’s! Sound confusing? It is for me too…..You are on the outside, looking in. I am on the inside, looking out. I have a form of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I don’t like the term ‘Multiple Personality’. My personality is not mixed up like the ingredients in a cake mix. It is my inner identities playing different roles in my life but they all part of me and no, I am not mad, just complex. I am five identities, all very different and who, consciously, i have no control of. although i have been working through therapy in order to become ‘united’, to become one ‘whole’ rather than five parts. Let me introduce myself:
I am Caroline. I am organized, tidy, well-spoken (even if i do say so myself), and mostly holding us all together to make some sense. I answer the phone when it rings as i know what i’m talking about. I am intelligent and polite.
Hiya! I’m Liz. I think that Caroline is bossy – we don’t get on. I like to have fun and enjoy myself. I laugh at jokes and funny situations. (She’s too serious). I like a giggle and I make friends easily and am almost always happy. I like to go to the fair, go clothes shopping with my mates and watch a funny film with popcorn, of course, always.
I am Gut. I’m in charge. I tell them all what to do, when and how. I like to tease Chloe and laugh when she’s scared or she’s crying. I like to upset the others. I hate them all and like to hurt them.
Mmm….I’m Chloe, i’m little, i”m frightened of everything, i am very scared of Gut because he hurts me and i get upset easily. I cry when people tease me…..i don’t like people much. They hurt me. Bye bye.
Baby; I had no name and never wore more than a nappy, always cried, was very neglected and my cries went unheard by all except Chloe. Chloe knew how cold and alone i felt but she was too young to reach me. The others didn’t hear me. I died of neglect.
WE are Ellie, whoever that is. I am the body, the shell who you all know. (Some of you have seen Chloe too). I’m ‘normal’ on the outside but confused on the inside. I’m sensitive. My body is scarred from the damage Gut has made me do. He has tried to make me take my own life many times, and more than once, nearly succeeded. I love ‘the girls’ to bits although i am lost somewhere indeterminable.
I wasn’t born with Dissociative Disorder. 95% of the time, it is caused by severe and prolonged trauma or abuse of a child, particularly sexual abuse and ritual abuse.
So now you know me a little better. Either that, or you think i’m a complete weirdo. But i love you all dearly, my friends and care about you a lot. But now i have exposed myself for who i really am, will you still love me?