LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER

This post is ‘just asking for trouble’ and i will explain why! My family (particularly X) are totally, 100% against blogging, seeing it as airing your dirty laundry in public and if i tell them, or try and explain to X why i do it or if they found out, they would never understand and probably never speak to me again! When i write about sensitive topics such as my father’s sexual abuse of me and my rape, they wouldn’t understand as X does not believe that this really took place in the first place!

 

So, how do they explain the fact that i have had serious eating disorders and some still on-going issues there, BPD, PTSD, agoraphobia and numerous other mental health conditions? Can they really sweep it under the carpet and put my problems down to the fact that my pet cat died when i was 10! Yes, of course i was upset; who wouldn’t be if their pet had died? But i was a darn sight more upset when my father raped me at the age of four and onwards,.and that is an understatement. Hence, i live in fear of them discovering and reading my blog and therefore,i am forever looking over my shoulder. 

Image

I choose to blog (and i’ve only been doing it for a few months), to have my voice heard and my feelings understood by others who have perhaps been where i have been and truly understand. I also blog to express myself, get things off my chest and break the silence i have lived with all my life till now.

 

I have made real friends here, who understand and believe what i write about. OK, sometimes i’ll throw in the odd daft post or two as i did yesterday, but that was because my ‘playful’ alter, Liz, was out and felt like having a laugh!

 

Today, Caroline has been out most of the day, behaving ‘properly’ and going to church, saying hello to the neighbours and the postman. Right now, Chloe is wanting to be heard because she is frightened and in need of love and protection which she rarely gets. Most of the time she is ignored so spends much of the time in tears. She is scared that X will find out she has been ‘telling tales’ (or rather, the truth they do not want to hear or acknowledge), and if they do, she will be in a lot of trouble and get hurt again.

Image

So when i blog, such as now, i am always looking over my shoulder, living in fear of being ‘caught’ and subsequently losing my family. I am, right at this very minute, thinking about phoning X and coming out with it, just telling them while i know i will have support here to deal with the consequences. I hate being dishonest with them as they think i am only writing a book. Yes, i am writing a book but that has nothing to do with why i blog. So, if you see me back here sometime today, you’ll know i’m in serious trouble and am going to need an awful lot of propping up. Thanks for reading and understanding this x God, i’m scared…..

 

 

8 thoughts on “LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER

    1. Thank you so much, Stella. Your words are reassuring. I’ve just tried to phone X because keeping this blog secret is such hard work and anxiety provoking. They didn’t answer the call, so i have left a message for them to call me back, so watch this space please, Ellie xxx

  1. Well, i did it and i got blown out and rejected as you will see from my next post. I am so upset and hurting. Is it safe to continue to use my voice and speak out? xxx

  2. Family – especially – can be a huge pain in the butt – so I said – straight up. Especially if they refuse delivery of the message – parcel – or truth – abuse is abuse is abuse. As for speaking your truth – why not. If it makes you feel better – and you are writing under and alias – then it’s your choice.

    And frankly, although I’m not mental health care professional and I don’t fully understand all of your particular health issues – the one thing that strikes me extremely forcefully – and yes – I *DO* totally understand where you are coming from – but I have to ask the question: Why are you still trying to gain their approval and acceptance? Okay – you don’t have to answer – but I’m sure you’re aware that your need to be accepted as the “truthful little girl” still rides strongly in your life – and I’m thinking you must probably work through this alot in therapy? Anyhow … think about it Ellie Sofia – you are only ever going to find peace when you look within – you need to find your self-acceptance and approval from you. Unfortunately your family may never believe you – and for as much as this rips you to shreds and back – you need to accept this as a possible “truth” – and find small ways, in each and every day, to try to let this go.

    I hope you’re feeling better soon and find some courage and hope to keep you going through this rough patch.

    1. I do find writing my blog under an alias helps because i know all my friends here understand where i am coming from. Approval and acceptance from others is important to me as i fear losing them otherwise. I know it stems back from wanting to be that ‘good little girl’ so that no-one could see how ‘bad’ i was as a child. I have therapy today, fortunately, and will discuss this stuff and my fears to my therapist, this morning. I think you are probably right although it hurts like hell, that X and family will never understand or believe me.. Thank you, Pat, for your advice and encouragement xxx

      1. Finding one’s voice- especially after having lived the traumas you have lived – is never easy; some days it’s like we want to come out bellowing because we feel that strong, other times, we are shy and frightened – because we have been hurt so much – but each small step to being able to express ourselves is important. I think that if you feel comfortable with your blog and your alias, then it’s a good thing. As you’ve seen, you will find support from people – because for as much as we *know* that we aren’t alone – so many others have lived – unfortunately – such similar things – we still think we *are* alone. Sharing helps – and with time, your blog too will change in its voice – as your posts will take on a new energy – one that is more expansive and positive – as you begin to find life and light – in fact, it’s already happening – so hang in there Ellie 🙂

  3. Thanks so much, Pat. I’m just SO thankful i have the support of my friends here who, as you say, have unfortunately had similar experiences. I had a horrific flashback in therapy this morning and haven’t recovered yet. Will try to write later if i can think straight over Chloe’s persistent crying xxx

  4. Anyone who chooses to blog about their experiences is brave IMO. You are brave. I am sorry things went so badly when you did tell the x. You will get through this too though, just like everything else you’ve had to endure. XXX hugs you and all inside
    Carol anne

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s