This post is ‘just asking for trouble’ and i will explain why! My family (particularly X) are totally, 100% against blogging, seeing it as airing your dirty laundry in public and if i tell them, or try and explain to X why i do it or if they found out, they would never understand and probably never speak to me again! When i write about sensitive topics such as my father’s sexual abuse of me and my rape, they wouldn’t understand as X does not believe that this really took place in the first place!
So, how do they explain the fact that i have had serious eating disorders and some still on-going issues there, BPD, PTSD, agoraphobia and numerous other mental health conditions? Can they really sweep it under the carpet and put my problems down to the fact that my pet cat died when i was 10! Yes, of course i was upset; who wouldn’t be if their pet had died? But i was a darn sight more upset when my father raped me at the age of four and onwards,.and that is an understatement. Hence, i live in fear of them discovering and reading my blog and therefore,i am forever looking over my shoulder.
I choose to blog (and i’ve only been doing it for a few months), to have my voice heard and my feelings understood by others who have perhaps been where i have been and truly understand. I also blog to express myself, get things off my chest and break the silence i have lived with all my life till now.
I have made real friends here, who understand and believe what i write about. OK, sometimes i’ll throw in the odd daft post or two as i did yesterday, but that was because my ‘playful’ alter, Liz, was out and felt like having a laugh!
Today, Caroline has been out most of the day, behaving ‘properly’ and going to church, saying hello to the neighbours and the postman. Right now, Chloe is wanting to be heard because she is frightened and in need of love and protection which she rarely gets. Most of the time she is ignored so spends much of the time in tears. She is scared that X will find out she has been ‘telling tales’ (or rather, the truth they do not want to hear or acknowledge), and if they do, she will be in a lot of trouble and get hurt again.
So when i blog, such as now, i am always looking over my shoulder, living in fear of being ‘caught’ and subsequently losing my family. I am, right at this very minute, thinking about phoning X and coming out with it, just telling them while i know i will have support here to deal with the consequences. I hate being dishonest with them as they think i am only writing a book. Yes, i am writing a book but that has nothing to do with why i blog. So, if you see me back here sometime today, you’ll know i’m in serious trouble and am going to need an awful lot of propping up. Thanks for reading and understanding this x God, i’m scared…..