ONE OF MY INSECURITIES

I’m wondering if i have the energy to blog tonight  after a sleepless night following my confrontation with X yesterday re blogging. “Should i be blogging at all?”, i ask myself! But I’ve not had a good day today.

 

I went to my regular Monday morning Art and Craft class which is usually a really good place to chill out and try and put my problems and worries aside for a couple of hours. But today, NO! I was sitting opposite a man in his seventies who always speaks his mind, often ‘puts his foot in it’ and ought to know better! Today…he decided to put the world to rights. He went on and on about the newspapers and the news on television and radio, the ‘rubbish’ they put in magazines today etc, etc. Then he decided to air his views on women wearing short skirts and how, if we do, we shouldn’t complain if we get abused or raped!!! My first reaction was anger but before that could develop into anything tangible, i was triggered into my world of flashbacks and disassociation.  

 

Suddenly, there i was. Back at age four, wearing a flimsy skirt that my mother had dressed me in that morning before she’d left to go shopping. I was left alone with my father who promptly sat me on his lap, lifted my skirt….I can’t go there right now and Chloe is screaming out at me, wanting to talk. I need to get away from here. I hastily made an excuse and left the class.

 

I can’t wear skirts, dresses or shorts. My legs are always well covered, night and day by jeans, leggings, pyjamas etc. Even tights are too exposing for me. I even sometimes put a blanket on my lap (making me look somewhat like an elderly lady, which i’m not) while i’m sitting in my wheelchair because i feel extra vulnerable, being unable to defend myself. Some people who don’t know my inner turmoil, make a joke of it, asking if i have any legs at all under there…ha ha (not).

 

Even before i became disabled, i would never wear skirts or dresses and would point-blank refuse (with some pathetic excuse), any invitations to cocktail parties, little black dress occasions and the like.

 

I can’t even bear to see little girls running about or playing in the park with their little dresses blowing in the wind. I want to scream out to their mothers, “can’t you see that you are putting your child at risk?” I look at the ‘dirty old man’ on the park bench, eyeing up the child and automatically assume the worse. (No offence to the majority of men). It makes me cringe; it triggers me back into my childhood; I’m losing touch with reality. Chloe is screaming louder no. I don’t want to be on my own…help!!

Somehow i got home but can remember nothing of my journey back from the class. An hour later,  I am exhausted from crying and reliving my childhood experiences and the memories of the pain i endured. Nevertheless, i am now angry at this bloody, insensitive and ignorant man in the class.

 

No-one should have the right to dictate to women (or men) what they should or shouldn’t wear, and people who come out with crass comments, like “she was asking for it, dressed like that!”, need their tongues cut out and castrating. Maybe that it is oversensitivity on my part but it does make me angry. I’m now more exhausted than i was previously and need to sleep, hoping i will be undisturbed by terrifying nightmares and haunting memories infiltrating my sleep. It’s times like this when i’m too frightened to close my eyes.

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “ONE OF MY INSECURITIES

  1. Oh my dear. I’m so sorry you were triggered. I too am unable to wear skirts, and my church kind of expects women to wear skirts! I don’t care, my sense of safety is worth more than fitting in. And I am also alarmed at little girls wearing dresses that flip up. My husband has agreed with me, that until my daughter is old enough to sit correctly in a dress, she will wear shorts under- if she wants to wear dresses. Hugs, I hope you feel better. Please give Chloe a voice to help her process. Xx

    1. Thank you for understanding and making me feel less alone although i don’t like to think of you as having the same fears.I am more fortunate in that my church doesn’t expect women to wear skirts so i always wear trousers of some sort. I was the same with my daughter – in fact, she wore ‘Tom’s’ passed down jeans and trousers until she went to primary school where i, too, insisted she wore shorts under her uniform skirts and dresses. I am up at 4am today – Chloe has been yelling all night so i have let her do some drawing and writing, privately as she is so shy, which has helped her a bit. Hugs for you too, my friend xxx

      1. I am absolutely drained as i had the most awful flashback, triggered in therapy this morning. Chloe hasn’t stopped crying since then and whatever i do i can’t seem to soothe her. I will try and write more shortly. Sorry i can’t be more positive, Ellie xxx

  2. Heart-filled hugs (if allowed and permitted) to you – as well as prayers. I hope you can find a way to let Chloe breathe – as in allow her pain to be – and move through this – clearly a very disturbing and trying day. I do hope you get some much needed rest Ellie (may I call you this?)

    1. Hugs are very much appreciated from safe people, like you, as are your prayers. Unfortunately i have had another awful, very disturbing experience and day today. Going to try and ‘blog it out’ of me shortly. It’s fine to call me Ellie too. Thank you xxx

      1. I’m glad that hugs are okay – but if ever you feel not good with it – just say so – I won’t be offended.

        I’m sorry your having such a rough time – try to find a way – whatever way it is – that helps you “settle” down with it – so you can express yourself – and feel a bit better Ellie.

  3. Ellie, that post really resonated with us. I we are sorry for your pain and that insensitive mans comments. He should shut up. He should not make such insensitive remarks. I am glad you did what you needed to do and got up and left, you did the right thing. Hugs for chloe, hugs for you. And hoping todays a better day. XXX
    Carol anne

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