“oh no! the light’s coming through the crack of the door. he’s coming in……please don’t come in, please go away, please don’t hurt me. he’s coming i’m frightened. he’s gonnahurt me again. i’m hugging my bear,tight to me to protect me but he can’t. i know he’s coming to get me. he’ll hurt me he always does. i’m scared. please don’t. i am silent. i’m hiding under the covers so he won’t see i’m here – then he’ll go away. please go away please daddy”
“Hey, Ellie!”, a voice says, breaking me out of my flashback and i slump back into semi-reality. My carer Sarah is here. “Are you ok?” she asks. “You looked miles away – you look like you’ve seen a ghost”. She’d triggered me, not intentionally, i know, but she doesn’t know my secret, you see and i can’t tell her so she didn’t know. She’d started talking about her cousins little girl, called ‘Chloe’ – that was enough to trigger me into the house of horror. My Chloe. I’m shaking.in need my bear. i’m crying. she goes upstairs for me and gets my bear. i hold him so tight to me. “I’m four”, i say. What d’you mean she says. Tears are running down my cheeks as i’ve broken my silence.
I know i need to ground myself so i do the thing that helps ground me the most – writing. So, i’m writing this because i need to and because i want to cut my arm and stupidly i think i can’t do both at the same time so here i am typing and slowing losing my sanity. Sarah says “ccome on, lets get your pyjamas on”. I don’t want to get undressed. I feel too vulnerable.
Liz pipes up “ok, i’ll be cooler anyway, she says, laughing. It’s been a hot day today and we’ve been busy. Caroline spoke to my therapist this morning. I wish i was there now but i’m not. Liz laughs, she’s not going anywhere – you’ll see her week.
We need to see her now. Oh my God, i wish i was normal.