NOW WE ARE SIX (D.I.D.)

(Poem by A.A. Milne)

 NOW WE ARE SIX

.When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.

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I have DID or DDNOS (Dissociative Identity Disorder) as well as Borderline Personality Disorder to name but a few – a bit of a mess really, eh!? We thought there were 5 of us, Caroline, Liz, Gut (grrrr), Chloe, and Baby. Our baby died 6 years ago and we still miss so very much. Then last night, i suddenly felt like a little child and wanting to suck my thumb which seems entirely inappropriate! However, the urge was so strong and i felt so child-like but yet i wasn’t Chloe. I spoke to a dear friend who reassured me that this was ok. My instinct took over and i put my left thumb in my mouth and started sucking it and found it curiously comforting. I felt like the world was going round and round me and i was stuck in the middle but then there was a nothingness.

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Our alters came over a period of time and were very distinctive and individual people. First, Chloe came and she is always sad, upset and very, very shy. She endured the horrific pain, fear and torment of us being so awfully abused. Then Gut came shortly after and he still encourages us to self-harm, take too much medication, beat our legs with a hammer, and he was and still is a bully and is always trying to hurt the others. Then came Baby who was very neglected, never cuddled and was dressed only in a nappy and was left to cry.  Chloe was able, sometimes to talk to her although she was too young to understand much. We were all so dreadfully upset when she disappeared from our life. Then Liz arrived and she is still full of the joys of Spring, fun-loving , happy and can still be mischievous at times. Next, it was Caroline who is thankfully calm and capable. She can deal with ‘people’ and situations, phone calls and the like. She organizes us and keeps everything in order; our family of five. Ellie is just a host but she does not have a personality of her own. She is more like a shell for the rest of our family. Apart from Gut who shouts and scares us, the rest of us can communicate with each other reasonably well. We only ever come out one at a time. Our family of five.

 

We were still sucking our thumb when we started to see, feel and hear again but had no idea where we had ‘been’ or for how long we had been ‘gone’, and were very startled to find that Baby had returned and now she even had a name. Her name is Emily. Chloe is thrilled to bits and is smiling and laughing and so happy to have Baby Emily back again. Emily is dressed in a nappy and a clean, white babygrow.  Chloe doesn’t often sing and dance but on this occasion she is. Apart from Gut who has the hump as usual, we are all so delighted to have her back when we really thought she was dead because she had ‘gone’. Now, we are six.

 

Now we are six and feel our family is complete again even if Gut is still grumpy. We want to stay close to each other if we can, our family of six, forever and always. Now we are six…just like A.A. Milne’s poem.

My friend was still there and was overjoyed to know Emily had come back. She also gave Emily her first gift which was and still is, just beautiful and so much appreciated. She is always so kind, thoughtful and caring even though she has a lot of problems herself. You know who you are, my dear, dear friend and i thank you from the bottom of my heart for being with me throughout. Love and hugs to you, my friend, Ellie xxx 🙂

 

 

 

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