It’s 9.30pm here in my part of the world. I’m confused by my own feelings. I feel anxiety, a sense of trepidation and a tummy full of ‘butterflies’. I am so tired – it’s been a long day and now i can’t decide whether to go to bed or not. My dad who abused me in every way possible, died two years ago at exactly 3am and somehow it seems disrespectful to go to bed. Apart from which, the last thing i want to be doing is laying in bed with memories and flashbacks of what he did to me going round in my head.
I was at the hospital with him till 1.15am, not knowing he only had two hours to live. And anyway! Why do i give a damn??! I wonder what having a ‘real’ dad would have been like?
I feel i should stay up. I’m thinking of my brother in New Zealand and working out the time over there which would be about 6.45am now, so morning there which means to him, my dad has already died. How strange. I promised my brother to phone him as soon as i get in from church tomorrow at about 1pm my time and 10pm his time.
What the hell am i going on about? The bastard died two years ago, not literally tonight although somehow it feels different. My sense of time and reality have become distorted. I’m feeling sick and d’you know what we’re doing right now? Baby Emily is sucking furiously on her dummy. We are all wide awake now, even Chloe (although she’s really so sleepy). Liz is listening to music and has the tv on and is making the most of our late night while Caroline is trying to get some order in this place and getting nowhere! Gut is killing himself laughing at all our confusion. God! We’re in a right state! We don’t know what to do. Maybe we’re typing this as a diversionary tactic to stop us from going to bed.
We’re going to sign off now and will let you know, my friends, in our next blog what we decided to do. We must be stark raving mad, at least it feels that way! We all ought to be in bed by now! Huh! Fat chance! Oh heck! we need a hug so much right now…don’t know what to do. Chloe and Emily are now both crying. We want this madness to stop. Please make it stop.