Just for once, i feel whole and complete today rather than fragmented as usual, although there are always broken fragments inside. Today, I feel content which makes a nice change from my usual highly stressed out self. Some of you who know me well will understand when is say ‘my real Baby Emily has come home at long last’ and that has made a huge difference.


I’ve got through the whole day without a single panic attack and i’ve been pretty good with my eating too (ate most of the small meals my carers gave me), haven’t needed any extra, emergency medication and the pain i get with my disability is bearable today too (I just wish my legs worked!!). Well, i count myself lucky really…I have a good wheelchair which gets me about and I always think they’re are a hell of a lot of people who are worse off than me (and that is so true).

Yay! I even had my favourite carer come to me this evening – she’s lovely and is called Kim. We always have a hug…we’re both ‘huggy’ people. I’m not supposed to hug my carers but she is special. We are just, really on the same wavelength! When she leaves this care agency, we’re going to keep in touch (yes…I know were not supposed too!) and we’ll make the best of friends. I showed her my favourite song on here…’Brave’, sung by Sara Bareilles which means so very much to me as a survivor (and I am a survivor; I no longer choose to be a victim). I’m going to take this opportunity (and I hope you don’t mind), of reblogging this video which i put on an earlier post. I just love it. It took me best part of forty years for me to be able to ‘let the words fall out’, as the song says. I can stand up and speak my truth and I’m not ashamed of that today.


5 thoughts on “FEELING WHOLE :)

  1. I’m so happy that this day has been so much better for you — and that you can piece it all together – even in the smallest of ways! Yay! And, I’m proud that you choose to be a survivor – and that slowly you will be able to move through the pain, hurt and grief — and one day – I know you will keep moving to “running free” – more than a strong survivor – but one heck of a woman who has a story to tell – and – has the ability to move well beyond it all. It may never completely leave us Ellie – scars may remain – but they too will fade with time — and we can wear them proudly – as badges of our courage and strength – quiet reminders of what we have faced – and how it is we Choose to move on – to much better healthier places.

    Good for you Ellie – and treasure this day – and all the wonderful moments – they will give you strength and courage and hope when you start to “slip” or feel down and out.

    1. Thank you so much, Patricia, for such an encouraging reply. As i write this in answer to your comment, it is Sunday and i am struggling quite a bit, as i was yesterday but as you say i will keep running even i sometimes i don’t feel i’m getting anywhere. Your words have helped today…thank you, my friend xxx

      1. I’m glad that somewhere you have found something positive within my reply –a little bud of hope to help and remind when we feel so overwhelmed. Be well my friend -and I hope your today brings you more joy than pain.

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