THE HAMSTER WHEEL

I was going to call this post ‘Back Down the Rabbit Hole’ but then i read my kind friends’ comments on my last post, where i was feeling great and i thought to myself (after much deliberation), that NO, I refuse to go back down that black rabbit hole. I’m not feeling good by any means (and i had a bad day and also had no email yesterday to be able to read any of your posts or emails, so i apologize if if have not left comments or replied to emails yet). But i refuse, i just downright, plain refuse to go into that darkness again.

I am really struggling today, yes, but nevertheless, i find myself on the hamster wheel where i have been many times before. The perpetual cycle of going round and around and around, endlessly. But yet, in my despair today, at least i am still running. I am still moving, all be it that i moving reluctantly. I am moving! And it takes some doing; it really does when all i want to do is burrow back down into that rabbit hole and stay there in the blackness with my eyes tight shut.

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I’m battling with BPD with it’s continuing unpredictability, and my DDNOS which turns my life upside-down and inside-out at times. I am fighting hard to recover from anorexia. I am in pain today as my wheelchair ran into a pothole in the road as i was crossing it on my way back from church and my leg is so sore now. And i didn’t feel sociable at church so i went for the service to praise God for the good things i do have and then i came straight home rather than choosing to stay on for coffee and general chit-chat.

So, here i am, running as fast as my wheels will take me, running to keep going, running to keep fighting; fighting not to give up and feel sorry for myself. I don’t have any idea where i am running to in this wheel at this time but all i know is that if i stop my racing, i will surely fall straight back down that dark hole again and NO, i choose not to go down that route today!

 

 

6 thoughts on “THE HAMSTER WHEEL

  1. One breath and one moment at a time – and yes, we know the despair and ease with which we can easily slip into the comfort of the darkness – but even if it’s the slimmest sliver of sunshine or light that captures us for but a moment, then – this what we need to hold onto —- and tightly —- because I’m beginning to think, personally, that it isn’t necessarily about where we’re heading, but rather just getting out – and once in light – then – as we can strength, faith, hope and courage, and more support from those who can see our “inner light” shining – then, we will find new paths and directions.

    Keep strong Ellie – one breath and moment at a time.

  2. Thank you so much, Patricia, for your understanding and intuitive words. Today is a difficult day but I am trying to remember your advice…one breath and one moment at a time. Hugs, Ellie xxx

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