I’m finding it difficult to write this evening. Baby Emily has been present much of the day leaving me feeling sad, vulnerable, hurt and in need of a hug. Emily is tiny. She is the youngest of my ‘inside people’. There are six of us as blogged about previously but it has been our little Emily who has been here most of this afternoon and evening.
My carer came this evening to get me ready for bed and make my tea. She’s nice to me, my favourite carer, Kim. I find her easy to be with and she is interested in me and wants to understand more about BPD and Dissociation Disorder. She asked me something about my past – I told her I’d been abused as a child. That triggered me into a vivid flashback. I very suddenly burst into tears. She came running over and gave me a hug which was so, so needed. Hugs are rare things to come by in my life. But Emily was here and we sobbed and sobbed, our tears making a damp patch on Kim’s shoulder.
I have a doll. She is very life-like and I have called her Emily in the hope of offering comfort and love. She looks like a real baby and feels like a real baby. She is sleeping peacefully.
photo credit -Ashton-Drake, ‘Welcome Home Emily’
Some people may think me crazy and pathetic to have such feelings for a ‘doll’. But, to me, she is my Emily and when i hold her close, i feel whole, complete, content, calm. Normally, my mind is so often fragmented. My disabled body feels restless and constantly in pain which so often distracts me from my reality. But when I embrace Emily, all that tension, fear and anxiety fades into the background.
I need Emily to be with me always. She is, of course, psychologically speaking, and will be part of me/us for eternity along with the rest of our family. I’m working with my therapist through this. I’m ok; well, sort of……