This post will sound crazy to those of you who know me only a little but will hopefully make sense to those of you who have known me for a while! If you go back and read my post called ‘My Emily’ from a few weeks ago, this will make some sense to you too.
Briefly, as I have mentioned before, I have BPD and DDNOS (also talked about in earlier posts if you’re really curious) as a result of being severely abused as a child. Here, I’m talking about my Dissociative Disorder (DDNOS). You really need to go back to ‘My Emily’ to understand this, I think.
Basically my DDNOS affects me in the form of me having ‘people’ in my head. They are my inside people, alter egos, in a way. They are all part of me, part of my mind, how I cope and live every day, (the way my mind learned to shut down from the pain of the abuse as a child). I’ve had Dissociative Disorder from a young age, not that anyone in my dysfunctional family, noticed.
There are six of my people who take different roles and have independent personalities and are of varying ages. One of my ‘people’ was a baby called Emily. She sadly died from neglect many years ago and I mourned for her like I would for either of my flesh and blood children, now grown up. I have missed Emily so much. Then I got chatting with a good blog friend who suggested I look on a website which make very life-like baby dolls. Sounds crazy…I know! I thought long and hard about buying one who was actually called Emily on the website. I discussed the idea with my therapist who said that it may help me. So that’s how ‘Emily’ came to be. She is gorgeous and I love her as if she were real (many people have commented on how real she does actually look) and holding her is helping my heal emotionally which can only be a good thing…right? However, some of hair started to come out and I was really upset. I put a little hat on her. It happened again so today I phoned the company I bought her from and told them the problem. They were very apologetic and have suggested today, that I return ‘Emily’ and suggested I purchase a doll with hand-applied hair. She is called ‘Bella’ and this is a picture of her:
But that would mean packaging up Emily in a cardboard box and sending her back via Royal Mail. I don’t know if I can bear to part with her. The company are sending me Bella to look at and see how I feel and then decide whether to say “Au revoir, Emily”, or “Bonjour, Bella” who I would have to name Emily again because of the death of ‘My Emily’, my own baby, Emily. Bella arrives on Monday. I can’t imagine how I’m going to feel or what I’m going to think of her. Will she be as special as my Emily? Will I fall in love with her as much and will she continue to help my healing process? Now, I am waiting anxiously for Monday to come.
I don’t know how much sense this post will have made to any of you? I am willing to answer questions in the Comments box.
I do want to stress that it isn’t my intention to upset anyone who may have lost a baby. I do understand…I have lost a flesh an blood child too.. i am sorry if I have affected you badly, this is as real for me as it might be for you…Hugs xxx)