I need to talk. I need to talk to someone who will understand. I know some of you will connect with this anyway and I’m sorry for that.
I know this is just pure coincidence but I had the song ‘Brave’ by Sara Bareilles playing on the CD player when a neighbour popped in. I didn’t stop the music as I found myself mesmerized by this song. To me, it speaks of being brave enough to speak out about abuse. If you listen carefully to the words, if you’ve been where I’ve been (and many others)…..”Ever since your history of silence…”;… “Let the words fall out…”;…”Or you can start speaking up…”Maybe there’s a way out of the cage that you live. Maybe one of these days you can let the light in…”. This is only my interpretation. I might be complete wrong. Others may not see it as such, simply knowing as a jazzy pop song.
Just then, my neighbour (who doesn’t know about my history), started talking about the Rolf Harris child abuse case, and suddenly, I was drowning. I don’t know what she said next but I was hurled into a flashback of my abuse and was struggling to get out or stop the music or my neighbour from continuing any further. Then I heard my neighbour saying “Are you alright, Ellie; are you okay?”. I must have pulled to but I can’t remember anything much of the conversation after that. My neighbour was saying goodbye and leaving. I dissolved into a pond of tears, my heart still racing, fighting off the remnants of my memories. I’m alone. I’m alone until my carer comes in the morning. I need to talk…now…so I’m doing the only thing I know how…writing; writing to you out there, my friends; wanted to be safely held, hugged until the pain stops; to be listened to; to be heard. I need a friend….x