A MUSEUM PIECE

I have said, on more than one occasion, that I will not let the fact that my two children choose to reject me, stop me living the best quality of life that I am able. I am mostly pretty successful at this, continuing to write, to read, to get out and take part in life in general. However, there are times when the pain just becomes too unbearable and no amount of ‘a better quality of life’ is enough to compensate for my despair and isolation.

A MUSEUM PIECE

Forgive me my fragility and indulgence
Of a few tears shed
Tumbling down my cheeks
As I think back on my life-time so far

This is not what I envisaged
That my life would be as such; not ever
Dreams shattered like broken glass
Trod carelessly, underfoot

What have I to show for my toil and trouble?
Two offspring who barely know I am here
I play no importance in their lives
And neither in that of my grandchildren

They grow faster and brighter
I grow older, greyer, and wiser
I am, to them, just a mere label
A being with a name but no face

Like some distant aunt who lives far away
In the eyes of the children
I am merely, decrepit, and distant
Akin to an object in a museum

To be peered at on occasional visits
I cannot play hide-and-seek with them
Or climb the stairs to see their shiny, new toys
Nor to be introduced to the latest gerbil

I am deeply saddened and wounded
By this state of affairs
My heart is breaking in two; yet my own
Children play no part in my restoration.

I don’t think my situation is helped any by the fact that I have only one ‘real-life friend to whom I am eternally grateful to as she has stuck by me through all my really despicable years since losing my children: Full of alcoholism, drugs, self harm, anorexia, frequent attempts at suicide etc, and has never given up on me. We see each for a couple of hours, once a week and I so treasure that time and feel is she like goldust to me. I have no other friends other than you, my virtual but valuable and appreciated friends on WordPress. So I thank you, my blogging friends for all your love, caring and support and hope I am able to give a little goldust to each of you at some time. Big Hugs from me, coming your way so watch out……….! xxx

world close people

I would like to add that it has been some years since I have indulged in any of these reckless, self-harming activities although I still have issues with my eating sometimes. All the overdoses, drugs, alcohol, cutting etc have damaged my body permanently so if anyone is struggling with these issues, I do hope you are seeking/getting help and support xxx

4 thoughts on “A MUSEUM PIECE

  1. You have given me golddust on more than one occasion. I treasure you Ellie. You are amazing and a true survivor in every sense of the word. Lots of hugs and tons of love ❤ xxx

  2. I think you are wonderfully brave in sharing your stories, Ellie, whether they be celebratory or pain filled. Courage and strength to post the “uglies” – because there can be beauty and truth in this, even if it means being vulnerable to the Nth degree.

    Hugs Ellie

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