I’m feeling very down and dispirited today and am counting the hours till my carers come and then I can go to bed and start afresh tomorrow.
I’m not very good at dealing with change and am attempting to cope with two changing situations at the moment although I should add that they are both my choices but I still find it scary. Tomorrow, I start part-time summer college, run by our local Mental Health Trust and will be doing art, creative writing, Mindfulness (which I know little about) and studying NLP Therapy and how it works which sounds interesting. I’m very worried about being with people I don’t know, in a group setting. Also, I am the only disabled student there so feel a bit like an ‘odd man out’. Nevertheless, I think it will be a good challenge which can only be a positive thing. I just have to take a deep breath and walk (drive) in and jump in at the deep end!
Also, I’m thinking about changing my church which is a very big and important decision. I’ve been a member at my first and current church for over 7 years and was happily baptized there in 2008. However, I still have this ongoing problem with not feeling accepted as a person with a disability. Everyone is polite to me and reasonably helpful although I am very independent, friendly and ‘smiley’!. I know loads of people there but I have never made any friendships that continue outside of a Sunday morning. Also, I’m finding that my faith is waning somewhat lately and I don’t know why.
So, I’m thinking about going to a new church called ‘The Life Church’, which is still of the same faith, just with different attitudes and convictions. My current church is Baptist and this new one is Pentecostal (known as ‘happy-clappy’), which I quite like the idea of. However, the prospect of driving my wheelchair into a church full of 250 new people, is scary to me. I’m hoping that the ‘liveliness’ of this new church will ‘recharge my faith batteries’ and improve my current relationship with God which I currently find worrying.
As I said at the beginning, I feel very low today and my hypervigilance is really bad which has left me exhausted now, early in the evening. My prayers are a bit half-hearted lately which isn’t good and is something I desperately want to improve. Hopefully, I will wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed and ready to face these new challenges.