Having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), mine being in the ‘Emotionally Unstable’ category, is like living life on a rollercoaster! Up and down…high and low…black and white…happy and s.. (no, I won’t use the word ‘sad’ as what I actually means is, desperately unhappy) and all of it, like a rollercoaster, is so damn scary! I’ve had enough! I wanna get off now! I’m exhausted! My thoughts are all over the place…mostly making no sense at all; pointless, why bother, what for? All, rather like I feel about the rollercoaster.
My mood changes umpteen times a day and is totally unpredictable. I never what’s going to hit next! One minute, I’m fine, everything’s ‘cool’. I know I can cope with college; I know I can manage to keep up with writing my book; I know changing my church is the right thing to do; I positively know my children will come back to me one day.
Now, everything’s turned upside-down, on its head! College is too much…I won’t get good grades; I’ll never get my book finished and it’s rubbish anyway; how can I change my church after being there eight years….how disloyal is that? I’ll never see my children or grandchildren again, (and just in the unlikely event that you ever get to read this, this is for you, Tom* and Claire* with special love for my three and one-on-the-way little ones). Knowing it’s all hopeless.
Positive. Negative. Black. White. Up. Down. In. Out. Happy. Desperate. Hopeful. Hopeless. Optimistic. Pessimistic. Love. Hate. Just like a rollercoaster.
It’s too much. It’s all too much sometimes and I start thinking damaging, self-sabotaging thoughts about myself. I don’t want to be here…on this planet…in this solar system.
Five minutes later, I am as high as a kite! Of course I’ll get good grades at college; I will easily finish writing my book before the deadline; I’ll be so happy at my new church – it’s what I’ve been looking for for years, can’t wait for Sunday; I’ll definitely see my kids and grandkids again and it will all be happy ever after. I live in hope.
This is hell, this is! I’m living in fucking hell!
Isn’t life wonderful? I’m doing so well. I love everybody. Hugs all round. S-m-i-l-e.