A FEMALE WOMAN

woman

I really, really don’t like being called or referred to as a ‘woman‘ or as being ‘female‘. This may sound strange to many of you. After all I am a grown adult. I much prefer to be referred to as a girl, a  young lady, a person, a character, an adult, even  ‘thingymebob‘!  I do not like being a ‘woman‘ or ‘female‘. To me, these two words have connotations: They imply a sexual being as in male and female or man and woman. And yes, I know all humans are sexual beings – if they weren’t there would be no such thing as reproduction of the human race or sexuality. But even the terms ‘sex‘ or ‘sexuality‘ makes me me feel uncomfortable and I’d go as far as to say “cringe”. I know they are both words which are commonly used and often a part of general conversation.

I was speaking with my therapist, *T* this morning about this and we concluded that because of what I’ve been through with so much sexual abuse as a child, I just don’t want to be a sexual being or to be referred to as one.

So…..Who am I? What am I really? Where do I fit in on this planet? Am i strange? Peculiar perhaps? Odd, maybe? I certainly cannot come to terms with being the age I am and I hate to have to say or even hear myself saying it out loud. I am 57 which immediately conjures up the image of being ‘middle-aged’ (tweed skirts and blouses) etc [no offence to anyone who is more comfortable with these things]. Middle-age also implies heading towards old age or being elderly and although I am not afraid of death or dying as I have my faith, I just cannot come to terms with these natural progressions of life. I just makes me want to scream in horror, “NOOOOOOOO”.

When I write my blogs, I think of myself (in my head) as a ‘girl’. I’m not sure of what age although after speaking with *T* at length when she asked me that question, my instant reply, without even thinking about it, was ‘eight’. Eight years old? Surely not.

Eight was the age that I was when my teacher started to sexually abuse me while my father was doing so at home from a much earlier age. That’s when I started to ‘split off’ in my head, to dissociate. That’s when I became aware of my first alter, ‘Chloe’. She was and has remained aged eight. Since then other alters have joined me but they play no part in this. I want to be a girl, NOT a woman.

young girl reading

But surely, my grown-up head fathoms; as a ‘girl’, therefore ‘child’, I would be more vulnerable so where is the logic here? I know that I need  to discuss this further with my therapist.

5 thoughts on “A FEMALE WOMAN

  1. Difficult topic to discuss and reflect on Ellie (((((hugs)))) to you.

    The one thing that jumped out at me – and I have no idea if this will have an significance for you is this – you reject the words female/woman because of the terrible triggers and associations. You prefer to think of yourself as a “girl” – despite your earthly age of 57 – and I would suggest this may have to do with feeling and a deep longing of heart’s spirit. You, despite all that has happened – continue to have hope and faith, and you wonder and marvel, with the magic of a child’s eyes, at the beauty that does exist, despite your personal hell. And I would think – that being 8 in your mind – is also because this is when you probably truly recognized the damage that was being inflicted on you – and as a child “silenced” you now long for the Truth of childhood innocence, magic and unconditional love to be yours – in the best and truest sense; it’s like a secret – deep-rooted longing.

    Just a few thoughts flowing through my head – as I read your post – and thought about things, and I how I feel, and maybe some of what I said may resonate with you as well.

    Hugs Ellie ❤

    1. I really loved what you have suggested in your comments and it certainly did resonate with me too. It conjured up all sorts of my favourite things in my mind! I then actually started making a list of these things, imagining each one of them in glorious colour or with peace. I find myself searching for images of these things, some really silly things that pleased my eight-year old such as purple wellies with flowers on which believe it or not, I actually found on Amazon and am sooo tempted to buy them for the wet weather!! This, along with images of nature and other favourite scenes/articles/views led to me starting a list of my favourite things even those that are purely abstract and I’m hoping to find a way of including these ideas into a future post! Thanks for putting such a wonderful slant on otherwise purely serious words. {{{Hugs}}} to you, as always, Pat xxx ❤ 🙂

      1. Your welcome Ellie 🙂

        I’m so glad that you found something positive and were inspired to embrace it – there is really something significant about collecting images and ideas about things that make us feel good. It may seem silly (or what we choose that makes us feel good) but the truth us we are feeding and nourishing our spirit and soul when we do. And the more we focus on what makes us feel good – peaceful etc. – our energies will respond in kind – by raising themselves. A small but powerfully effective way of helping ourselves. Ellie xxx ❤

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