I’ve thought long and hard about writing to you but you leave me no choice really as I have no other way of contacting you. You don’t return my phone calls or emails. Do you know how much you have hurt me, and I mean really hurt me? Is this what you are happy doing?
I might not have been a perfect Mum but I did my very best to look after you and *Claire* on my own and loved you with all my heart and still do but your obvious hatred of me has started to erode that love. There is only so much pain I can take, Tom, and you and *L*, by your absence and by preventing me from having any contact with my own granddaughter, my beautiful *J*, are causing my heart to shatter into tiny pieces. I wonder whether I’ll even get to see your new baby when he/she is born?
You couldn’t even be bothered to phone me on my birthday this year. How do you think I felt? Upset? Disappointed? Hurt? Yes, all of those plus more. Why are you doing this to me, Tom? You are my only son; I love you but all I get from you is obvious hatred.
I don’t know what it is that you can’t deal with….is it my physical disability (are you ashamed of me?). Is it because I have BPD? Do you think I want this…the answer is NO, I don’t but I fight it and have built up a happy and successful existence for myself despite your cruel behaviour. My wheelchair or my BPD do not stop me from living a fulfilling life. I am still writing and am proud to say that my second book (published under a pseudonym) has just been released. My first book is now selling on Amazon, my third book is in the pipeline, being published shortly and I am now working on my fourth book. I have also had articles published in magazines and newspapers. I am also studying at college, three days a week and thoroughly enjoying it. I intend to do an Open University degree in Philosophy when college is finished. I also attend places where I do continued creative writing, art, mixed media and other courses.
I have every right to have a relationship as a Nanny to S. and she has every right to have me as her Nanny. Why are you depriving her of this valuable and precious relationship? How can you refuse your own daughter of knowing me? Do you know that one day, she will grow up and become an adult and be curious about my absence in her family and no doubt search me out. She will turn round and blame you and L. for depriving her in all her childhood years. How will you feel in the future when S. grows up and has her own children and she then denies you all access to your grandchildren? You need to think about that one.
I wonder what you will do with this letter? Delete it or destroy it in a cowardly way of avoiding thinking about all this? Or will you behave like a compassionate man and have the decency to reply in some way?
The anger I have for you and K. for deliberately hurting me this way doesn’t stop me loving you as my son but you even throw this back in my face. Do you have a conscience, Tom? Where, if anywhere, do I figure in that? You should also remember that there are always consequences for the actions we take and the way we treat others. One day I will die and it will all be too late. Will you regret your behaviour then? If the answer is ‘no’ then you have no heart, no morals and should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. It’s not too late, Tom. My arms are still open for you…..there is nothing that could stop you from visiting me, either alone or with little S. to talk like adults and put right all the wrongs.
My Love Always, to you, my Son,
Your Mum xxx