WHO AM I REALLY?

Well, I know it’s been a while since I’ve been here but it feels good to be back although whether or not I can write anything of interest remains to be seen. I’ve been more than a bit bogged down with the usual family issues resulting in my FB account being hacked by a member of my family (although I do not have any concrete proof of that….yet!). As a result I’ve had to entirely delete my existing FB account, thereby (for anyone who knows ‘FB speak’), wiping out all of my ‘Friends’, ‘Likes’, ‘Timeline’ etc. Hence my name has disappeared from the screens of FB forever.

So, I had to come up with a pseudonym to start a new account which has been fraught with difficulties. I am now a stranger amongst previous friends who longer recognize me in my new guise as J…C…S… as they’ve known me as J…M…. for many years. And yet, here in Blogland I am known as Ellie Sofia. If all this sounds confusing, it is. And on top of which I have my separate identities within my identities…..my ‘people’ in my head (my dissociative disorder). So, who the hell am? !

identity crisis

Just to complicate matters, I am also the me who goes to college, the me who goes to church, the me that my carers know, the me that looks after my mum from afar to the best of my disability, the me that is a mum and a nanny, not that you’d know it due to the long-term lack of contact with my son and daughter. All are ‘me’ to the naked eye, the one person, the whole being, but scratch below the surface and you’ll find a multitude of me’s inside who all have very different personalities, hence my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Disorder to name but a few!

And if I don’t know ‘me’, why the hell should I expect anyone else to know or see or hear the real me (whoever that is)? I think, probably, here in WordPress, I can be more my true self because it is safe, I am hidden from the outside world (apart from the general public, that is) but here we are all strangers to each other and yet ‘friends’ at the same time. I think I have more supportive friends in blogland than I do in real life and feel I have built up a rapport with you all and that I ‘know’ you although the majority of us are hiding behind masks anyway. But, nevertheless, I thank you all from the bottom of my hearts! x

mask

7 thoughts on “WHO AM I REALLY?

  1. Ellie? I’m sorry your family member hacked your account. How absolutely terrible for you. I also wanted to let you know I invited you to view our new private blog? I sent it to the email address I had for you. Did you get it? If you email me at manyofus1980@gmail.com I’ll let you know what the URL is so that you can request access. XX

    1. Yes, I’m still the old Ellie. I don’t like my birth name and am in the process of changing it by deed poll to Ellie so then I hopefully feel more comfortable in my own skin. Thanks for the email address, Carol anne. I will try and contact you once I’ve sorted out this FB mess! xxx

  2. You are you. You wear all these hats. Even in your disorders it’s still your same brain. You are you. One of the dearest people I know. I have been absent from WordPress but I’m trying to start back up again. Hugs, dear xxxxx

  3. Oh what a an absolute mess – but perhaps, this is a new beginning – because all endings signal just this – and so, courage for plowing through it all and starting again.

    As for “who you are” —you are you – which is more than enough – at any given time. Those who truly care and love you, understand and don’t require explanations in demands of their expectations. Those who truly care and are honest with themselves, can be honest with you – because they demand nothing nor expect anything, other than you are who you are, in each moment, as we all are. And this is more than enough. It is realistic and all that can be offered, in compassion. Hats and costumes and masks we wear, when we need to play the different roles, as needed or demanded of us, – but it’s really nice, don’t you think, to sit back and just toss that all aside, and breathe?

    So breathe Ellie, Breathe!
    Hugs to you xxx

    1. I love your insight into my drama, Pat, and the reassurance you give about being myself. They’re something nice, I think, about WordPress, here, in that I can write freely and readily and then feel a whole lot better for doing so and yep, I will stretch and reach out towards the warm sun and the blue sky and yes….just breathe. So yes, I feel ok now and can now stand up and say “I’m me!” and just be…..

      Hugs to you, dear Pat xxx 🙂

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