THE END OF MY ROPE…..(IDENTITIES)

‘I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once’.  ~Jennifer Yane

It’s been one of those days today when I really feel that I’ve reached the end of my rope. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong (probably not helped by the fact that I only had four hours sleep last night). My carer was late getting to me, my home-help was late coming and my Support Worker was even later. This was coupled with goodness knows how many other negative occurrences during the day :(. And then I went to therapy….and it all fell out, and kept falling out….all the stuff that is going round in my head; my children, my grandchildren (or lack of in both cases); my anger at my abusive therapist who for eight years, managed to completely fuck my life up. It was only because of her that my self-harming got worse, I started drinking (now teetotal, thank goodness), I was taking drugs, I was attempting suicide every time she didn’t reply to a text of answer the phone (she made me so totally dependant on her. I am soooo angry with her! ); all my childhood and adult sexual abuse; my abusive relationships; my dysfunctional relationships and family etc, etc.

And I didn’t want to eat and the chemist was late delivering today’s medication….and I’m exhausted. I tried phoning my CPN which is what I am supposed to do at times like these only to be told she was out but I could talk to ‘Duty’ only then to be told there was no-one from ‘Duty’ there! A fat lot of help that is in a crisis.

dissociative_identity_disorder_by_siljavich-d5uj4z1

And the crux of the matter is that I have too many identities and can’t keep track of them all and feel completely shattered and fragmented. I have my five ‘people’ (personalities) in my head who have always been there…(B…,F…,M…,S…,E…). But then on top of that I have other identities in the life of Facebook, WordPress and reality. Altogether there are eleven identities – that’s a lot to keep track of and a lot of personas to deal with. In real life I am J…M but I want to change my name by deed poll to my blog name of Ellie T. (which fits me best). Then there is an old FB name I invented in an attempt to run away from myself, C…C… which is still alive but not active. And then last week I decided, in a rash and uncontrollable way, to delete my entire J….M account, losing all my pics, photos, friends, contacts, posts etc. I just obliterated about seven years worth of  my life with one click of a key. I then opened a new account, this time in the name of J…C…S…. Now, I have to make sure I don’t slip up and mix the three FB bods up, not ever having a photo of myself on my profile (no great loss there then and did everyone else a favour too).

And as if they weren’t enough, I have three pseudonyms which I publish my books under, S…B…, E…T… and M..T….

W…H…Y???!!! Why the hell do I have to be eleven different people?! I can’t cope with it anymore. It’s all getting too much. Stop the world, I wanna get off….I want to get out of my head; run away; escape; disappear forever; dissolve; die etc. As I quoted at the beginning of this long and boring post: ‘I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once’.  ~Jennifer Yane

Today is not a good day!

5 thoughts on “THE END OF MY ROPE…..(IDENTITIES)

  1. awe ellie, hugging you. Want to friend me on fb? If you don’t that’s ok, if you do email me about it! My FB is under my own name carol anne, we also have one for Shirley our host, where all of our biofamily are…mine just has did folk on my friend list. XX

  2. I’d feel strange “liking” this – so I haven’t.

    So sorry about the tardy reply – but it’s been rough here, too. Anyhooo….

    Ellie, I wish there was some way I could offer you solace and comfort – at least ease the strain – because, unfortunately sweetie – you are more than just the 11 (which by the way – is considered a “perfect” number). In truth, you are more than the disorders etc. because we have to add in the numerous “people” we are in different scenarios and social situations. And that’s difficult enough to deal with, much less when one also deals with DD.

    Perhaps you need to really just slow down and stop – there are clearly “people” that you have/are a part of you that you manage through therapy etc. As for the others – all the “name games” etc. etc. in cyberspace, etc. maybe you just need a break. And time to think – and you know, maybe deleting that one “persona” in FB isn’t necessarily a bad thing? It may have been an impulsive mood/action – but sometimes these types of things are trying to “teach” us something critical. Instead of beating yourself up for having deleted 7 years of your life – consider that maybe you have outgrown this part/past – and it’s just a way of your spirit – your Essence – telling you to let it go – and celebrate who you are now and who you are becoming? Streamlining and “cleaning closets” can be freeing – and as harsh as it may feel – the sense of loss – perhaps it’s just the very thing you need to do – because it’s an opportunity for growth – and it seems to me that what no longer serves you should be let free. You have changed – and grown stronger – and maybe this is your spirit/soul letting you know that you no longer “need” to be so many people – because “Ellie” is MORE than enough.

    Hugs to you Ellie
    ❤ xxxxx

    1. Thank you so much for you thoughtful and wise comment – I value your thoughts and opinions – they always make so much sense. I’m sorry things haven’t been good for you too. Now that I’ve had time to adjust and gather ‘myselves’, it is quite a cleansing experience and feeling to have deleted that FB account even though it was rather a sudden and rash response and there is still that sense of loss at the back of my mind although it is lessening as the days go by.

      Thank you so much for your reassurance that as myself, Ellie, I am enough and that I am gradually moving forwards although still have the inevitable slides backwards sometimes. At times, I can feel that I am stronger than I was – other times, I feel as weak as a newborn kitten. Thank you, Pat, for your insight – your words to me are so much appreciated and I’m so thankful and glad that I have you as my travelling companion. Hugs, Ellie xxxxxx ❤

      1. Sorry about the long time in responding – but my thoughts are the same, as always, Ellie. Indeed you are a treasure 🙂

        And I’m only too glad that I am your traveling companion – share and share alike – and we all benefit 🙂

        Hugs and best thoughts in light and love to you ❤

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