‘I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once’. ~Jennifer Yane
It’s been one of those days today when I really feel that I’ve reached the end of my rope. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong (probably not helped by the fact that I only had four hours sleep last night). My carer was late getting to me, my home-help was late coming and my Support Worker was even later. This was coupled with goodness knows how many other negative occurrences during the day :(. And then I went to therapy….and it all fell out, and kept falling out….all the stuff that is going round in my head; my children, my grandchildren (or lack of in both cases); my anger at my abusive therapist who for eight years, managed to completely fuck my life up. It was only because of her that my self-harming got worse, I started drinking (now teetotal, thank goodness), I was taking drugs, I was attempting suicide every time she didn’t reply to a text of answer the phone (she made me so totally dependant on her. I am soooo angry with her! ); all my childhood and adult sexual abuse; my abusive relationships; my dysfunctional relationships and family etc, etc.
And I didn’t want to eat and the chemist was late delivering today’s medication….and I’m exhausted. I tried phoning my CPN which is what I am supposed to do at times like these only to be told she was out but I could talk to ‘Duty’ only then to be told there was no-one from ‘Duty’ there! A fat lot of help that is in a crisis.
And the crux of the matter is that I have too many identities and can’t keep track of them all and feel completely shattered and fragmented. I have my five ‘people’ (personalities) in my head who have always been there…(B…,F…,M…,S…,E…). But then on top of that I have other identities in the life of Facebook, WordPress and reality. Altogether there are eleven identities – that’s a lot to keep track of and a lot of personas to deal with. In real life I am J…M but I want to change my name by deed poll to my blog name of Ellie T. (which fits me best). Then there is an old FB name I invented in an attempt to run away from myself, C…C… which is still alive but not active. And then last week I decided, in a rash and uncontrollable way, to delete my entire J….M account, losing all my pics, photos, friends, contacts, posts etc. I just obliterated about seven years worth of my life with one click of a key. I then opened a new account, this time in the name of J…C…S…. Now, I have to make sure I don’t slip up and mix the three FB bods up, not ever having a photo of myself on my profile (no great loss there then and did everyone else a favour too).
And as if they weren’t enough, I have three pseudonyms which I publish my books under, S…B…, E…T… and M..T….
W…H…Y???!!! Why the hell do I have to be eleven different people?! I can’t cope with it anymore. It’s all getting too much. Stop the world, I wanna get off….I want to get out of my head; run away; escape; disappear forever; dissolve; die etc. As I quoted at the beginning of this long and boring post: ‘I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once’. ~Jennifer Yane
Today is not a good day!