SHIT!!! Why do my emotions go spinning out of control for no good reason – I hate the unpredictability of having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I have days when I’m laughing on the outside and everything in the world seems rosy, when really I am screaming silently in the blackness of the depths of my mind.
My world is BLACK and WHITE – everything is either fantastic or everything it’s bloody awful. Where is the GREY in my world?. The normality of humdrum life. Can you guess where I am on that scale right now then??? And ANGER is in there too. I feel like a dragon breathing fire one minute and the next I’m hiding, scared at the back of beyond.
Why do I love so fiercely when I know the chances are, I will get hurt, dumped, kicked to the ground? But…. still I need you…..please don’t leave me; please do not reject me like everybody else has done. I love you; I hate you; I love you; I hate you….
Why do I so rapidly get emotionally attached to anyone who comes along and shows me an inkling of love or a glance of approval only to be devastated when the feeling is not reciprocated?
I self-sabotage in my desperation and my hatred of myself. I deprive myself of sleep deliberately, often staying up till 2am, 3am; then it creeps up to 5am, time to get up and at which point I can justify not going to bed. I am most often writing because that is what’s keeping me on the planet right now.
I deprive myself of anything I really like (because I don’t deserve it) and then I give myself that very thing until I am literally sick (because I don’t deserve it).
See how fucked up my mind is inside? I am in turmoil, agony. My mind is a seething mass of chaos. See how angry I am? I am about to self-destruct, most likely by imploding on myself and then being the only one around who feels guilty enough to clear up the resulting mess! Often, the thought crosses my mind that I want to jump off the multi-storey car park (but then the guilt of someone else having to clear up the bloody debris of my body, kicks in), so I don’t.
Help!!!! I want to get up from here; smell the roses again and the fresh bread baking in the oven; feel joy and contentment; find out what happiness is; love and be loved etc etc….and yet I don’t know where to start! SHIT!!!