A WOUNDED DEER FIGHTS BACK!

Oh, sod it!! That’s put a spanner in the works, hasn’t it? That’s told me!! There’s no pleasing some people, is there? I’m referring to my last post ‘Skeletons From the Closet’. And there was me, actually allowing myself (for once) feeling pleased with myself for the progress I feel I have made….until I spoke to a family member I shall call *Carol* who pulled me up on this one. After I told her of my progress and my decision which I so carefully thought through, I was told that I was either selfish or not as ‘recovered’ as well as I was ‘making out’ to be! I am sooo angry! And hurt! And disillusioned! Apparently, according to *Carol, if I have recovered this well then surely I am being very selfish in not wanting to attend the ‘Telling Your Story’ group to work with other students to enable them to have hope that it is possible to move on (all be it in babysteps).

If I attended that course and listened to other students recounting their awful experiences, I know this would have a negative impact on me and in fact, set me back in my recovery. On hearing this, *Carol pronounced, “Well, if those sort of things still affect you badly, perhaps you haven’t recovered as much as you think you have”. I was brought from feeling a good 8/10 on the positivity scale down to somewhere around my ankles on the positivity scale! I’m speechless, almost! I cannot win. Does she think the sort of memories I have from my past can be simply washed away or disregarded, even after all these years? Yes, I’ve had therapy, lots of it and still do but I now don’t need to talk endlessly about my abuse as I did not so long ago. Okay, yes, sometimes I still do need to talk about these things but how could anyone who has been through such atrocities just wipe them clean from their memory?!

So, now I’m left doubting myself, my decision, my self image, my confidence….I can tell you, this has really ‘knocked me for six’ (as they say) and left me feeling like a wounded deer on the side of the road which I could have well done without. I have been ‘shot down’ many times but always got back up again in the past.

brokenDeer

(Later in the day)

But this time, my anger has risen and I can taste the bile rising from my stomach. I know that I have spoken at length to my college course tutor who has made it plain in no uncertain terms that at no time am I to risk my own mental health by putting myself in a vulnerable position such as this one. But *Carol hasn’t considered that I might not lay down and play dead. She has not bargained for the fact that I will get up again and fight the good fight. Hence, I am still determined not to be dragged down again by some ignorant, thoughtless idiot who I am unfortunate enough to have as part of my family. I will continue in my studies in a way where I know I am keeping myself mentally safe (and I’m sure my psychiatrist would agree). And yes, I do still see a Psychiatrist, my GP, my therapist and my CPN but that’s partly what keeps me on the forward route. It doesn’t make me weak, or any lesser a person. I don’t intend to sacrifice my future well-being because of one unpleasant person’s attitude. So, to *Carol, I say ‘UP YOURS!!’ as I continue to get on, one day at a time, with the rest of my life.

boxing ring fight

Watch this space…..

6 thoughts on “A WOUNDED DEER FIGHTS BACK!

  1. (((Ellie))))

    Keep up the good fight. And “sods” to *Carol* alright. NO ONE, unless qualified – as in your doctors, therapists etc. has any right to interfere with any of your decisions. Only you know what you are able to manage – safely and well. Don’t let the “bitch” drag you down to her level.

    You have a plan – stick to it – and believe you have made the right decisions – you *know* you have —- and sometimes, in recovery, it *is* about being “selfish” in a healthy way. There is no scale about how well one is recovering and when it is appropriate to work with others etc. Anyone who honestly believes that is completely and truly misinformed.

    Besides Ellie, think of this: How does *Carol* benefit from angering you? Because clearly she is threatened by your remarkable, even though it is baby steps and there’s nothing wrong with that steps, recovery. Clearly, a clear headed, happy Ellie, recovering and all, affects her – in a bad way, otherwise she wouldn’t be trying to dissolve your process. I mean really, it sounds like this scenario: someone newly joined at AA, who has attended meetings for a month, and then is propositioned by someone whose approval they seek, to go to the local pub, club etc.”C’mon, you’re strong enough, eh?”

    Seriously Ellie – be angry – but don’t doubt yourself. And remember, there are people who know and understand and love you just as you are, where you are in your recovery, and honour you for this. You don’t need her approval. Be strong and well with yourself. And remember, not every person in recovery will turn around and choose to “share” with others by ways and means of their recovery process, so if you were asked, and have decided, “not at this time” which may translate into “perhaps never” – there is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

    (((((((hugs to you))))Be strong and assured Ellie.

    1. Thank you so much, as always, Mj, for your amazing ongoing support. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. I know you are right in what you say as it is how I feel in my heart and mind too. Today, unfortunately, is a bad day but I know full well that I will pick up again, and no doubt very quickly as is so in the nature of BPD.

      *Carol is considerably older than myself and I feel that she thinks she has a valid point. Well, it may be valid to her but that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for me, as you say. My recovery has to be uppermost in mind along with love, compassion, respect etc etc (the ‘good’ values in life). I know that if I don’t look after my own mental health, I will just ‘go to pot’ along with many others beside me. That’s not to say that ‘going to pot’ is a bad thing – it happens to the best of us, me included of course and I have a great deal of compassion for those trapped in a place where I have ‘lived’ for most of my life. I would stand by and support any friend in need but if I ignore my own mental health needs, then what good would I be to anyone else?

      You are right, I don’t need *Carol in my life with that attitude. I think she has a lot of unresolved issues in her own life but is not ready to deal with them in a positive way and doesn’t like the fact that I am. I think ‘Recovery’ is a very, very slow process of learning and working on how to gradually (and however long it takes, as you say), turn a series of negatives into positives or at least semi-positives perhaps. We all have our crosses to bear but I am fed up of carrying mine around with me, and that’s my choice.

      I am so very grateful that I do have many people who really do care about me and in blogland sometimes, you can make the best of friends :). So yes, I will say ‘sod off’ to *Carol and I will get on with treading my way along my path to a better quality of life for myself, and thereby I can be of use to my most genuine friends and family and then extend this to others further afield. I also do ‘my’ bit of voluntary work which can be quite demanding at times and there’s no way a ‘selfish’ person would even consider that.

      So yes, I will be assured, Mj and I will do ‘my’ very best to stay strong. I so value your opinion, I feel you have much wisdom to offer although I am sure it is not always so easy to apply this to oneself. You are of HUGE value to me and I count you very much, as one of my dearest friends.

      Big {{{{{Hugs}}}}} for you, Mj. With love, Ellie xxx ❤

      1. Thank you Ellie 🙂

        Indeed, you know what is best for you, in any given moment, and situation. Sometimes distance and detachment (although when riled because it is a stab wound aimed with the sharpest of blades) is the best course of action. It doesn’t necessarily mean rejection of the person or situation, it just means sanity for oneself.

        Your words of recovery – understanding, support, compassion, helping others, *they* speak volumes of you – because in my opinion, when those of us recovering (such a long journey indeed) are ready to take the steps we need to, and this comes from having done such difficult and often “dirty” work, when we are willing to take responsibility, at least the parts that rightfully belong to us, for our actions and ways of being, well, that in a sign of maturity – in the best and truest sense of the word. Unfortunately, when we change – for the better – it can and is very threatening to many, especially those closest to us.

        I consider you such a dear friend Ellie. You are indeed so special and wonderful, and I consider myself blessed in having your friendship. I feel you offer just as much support and understanding to me – as I try to offer you, even if there are such dissimilar aspects to “us.” It matters not, for there is always room to learn and grow from the experiences of others.

        Courage, faith, hope and well being to you sweetheart. You are truly special (((((((Ellie)))))) xxx

      2. Oh Mj! Thank you for such kind words, my friend. Today, as you will see from my poem, I am not doing so well and it’s evident in my writing. I expect tomorrow will be a better day. I’m not giving in that easily! xxxxx ❤

      3. So sorry you are having an off day – I do understand – being there myself – several days *sigh* – but, latch onto something, however small or whatever, that is going to help get you through the rest of your evening and night, and overnight. And yes, we have hope that tomorrow will bring better moments and definitely more positive, forwards movements. So, extra hugs to you ((((Ellie)))) XXX

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