It’s been a year since the ‘event’, or more correctly ‘non-event’! Yes, I’m harping on about that bloody Facebook issue with my two children!! Sorry to drag this one out from the mire again….just when I thought I’d ‘put it to bed’ too. I thought I’d come to terms with the loss of my relationship with both *Tom* and *Claire* although I hadn’t got over the loss of having no relationship with any of my four small grandchildren, one of whom I’ve never even met and he’s nearly three months now.
Over the last few months there has been some very tentative contact with *Tom and *Claire, and this time I thought I was really getting somewhere at last. After all, I am a different person now than when my daughter hacked into my FB account and found a truth she really didn’t like (that being that I had no contact with them!). Now, (I thought) I’d built my life up despite the family rift. I go to college, I attend church activities and I am doing some volunteering at my local university to further the understanding of mental health with new students training to be Social Workers and CPNs in the community mental health field. I’m working on an eight week project at college (much of which is done at home) and I am in the process of writing my fourth book to be published. So, I can’t be doing all that badly. And yet…still…they won’t ‘forgive’ my mental health conditions, nor, come to that, my physical disability meaning I use a wheelchair. I don’t let either of those conditions stop me from living a full life so why should they be so ‘anti-me’?!
I’ve just had a halfway decent conversation with *Claire where I kept it light and didn’t make any demands that they come and see me. And then the ugly subject of FB came up. I mentioned that as things were so different with me now and my thinking clearer (up until tonight, that was), maybe she would accept my friend request so at least I could see photos of my four little ones and keep up with their news. And what did I get?…..Flat out, downright REJECTION again! And this, now, just minutes before my bedtime when I should be thinking of a peaceful repose not a night where I’m up writing my feelings till the wee small hours. I’m more angry than upset but it throws up all my issues of attachment/rejection/abandonment and chucks them in my face! Shit!!!
Why can’t I just cut myself off and disown them….yes, I could with *Tom and *Claire because of what they’ve put and are still putting me through but not my four innocent little grandchildren.
8 questions I am asking of myself:
- Why don’t I stop chasing a dream?
- Why can’t I disown them?
- Why am I letting this get to me again?
- Why am I allowing them to do this to me?
- How do I get rid of this bitter taste in my mouth?
- Why can’t i forgive them in the name of the Lord and pray and hand it over to God to deal with? I am not strong or mighty enough to cause change to happen. Only God is and in His own time. When will I ever learn? (1 Peter 5:6-7) ~ Humble yourselves, then, under God’s mighty hand, so that he will lift you up in his own good time. Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you ~
- Why don’t I have the conviction of my faith and believe enough?
- WHY DON’T I STOP DIGGING UP THESE OLD BONES AND BLOODY WELL GO TO BED???