RUNNING ON EMPTY (CRASHING)

Running-On-Empty-logo

SATURDAY As you may have noticed, I haven’t been ‘around’ WP in the last couple of weeks and firstly, I must apologize for not keeping up with following your blogs for that time and for not even giving so much as a ‘Like’ or ‘Comment’ either as a result. I have been run off my feet – my lifestyle has developed into something approaching manic lately. As you may have read in my last post, we are trying passionately hard to stop my college closing and I thank each one of you who has taken the time to sign my petition. Every vote is much appreciated. There has been so much going on with campaigning, petitions, protests, meetings, committees, student unions etc that I can hardly keep track of it all and feel like I am chasing my tail half of the time! In addition, I have had a lot going on in my private life which has been difficult to manage too. My stress level has gone through the roof and I am really pretty well worn down. I’m not finding time to eat properly (it’s not my old anorexic thinking but just stress and lack of time), and am not getting anywhere near enough rest or sleep. I literally feel like I am running on empty and am permanently exhausted.

SUNDAY

car crashed into brick wall

Today, I have crashed into a brick wall; not literally but metaphorically. I guess I’ve been overdoing it for a good while now which has come from running on empty for too long. Today, my spirits have sunk, my mood is low, the world is dark, my hope has gone, my drive has ceased, I’ve come to driving halt.

Tomorrow, I’m meant to be signing up for my college courses for the two short months we have left before we are closed down due to bloody government funding cuts (see last post). I don’t know whether to go or not – I’m not good with endings – I tend to pull out before the inevitable happens….it tends to hurt less, (obviously looking at the situation pessimistically today). Everything I have learned has temporarily gone out of the window….I have a W.R.A.P. programme to follow (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) which I’m not exercising. I’m meant to be going to a Student Union committee meeting tomorrow. I don’t want to take the responsibility of the role I have there which sounds so selfish. I’m meant to be taking part in a research study at my local  university which I was really looking forward to and now the prospect doesn’t feel as rosy as it first was. It all feels like too much.

My family are in crisis….I have to look for a new care agency due to inefficiency, my Mum (as well as having Myeloma and just recovering from pneumonia) is now having serious mobility problems; my sister, J, in Australia has just lost her job through no fault of her own; my sister, L, is fighting to get my 14 year old niece who is blind but gifted, adequate education and schooling and my sister, A, has just broken up with her boyfriend. As usual, my children don’t figure anywhere in the picture. No surprises there then!

I’m not sure where my faith has gone….it seems to have evaporated into thin air. Where is God? I didn’t go to church today, I haven’t prayed and I’ve not studied my bible reading either.

God, I’m a right old misery guts today; I’m having a real moan for no good reason. I apologize for boring the pants off you if you have read this far. I think I’d better end there before I sink further into my black hole of depression and self-pity.

[I’ll probably by fine by tomorrow/later/in an half an hour/in ten minutes…soon/maybe/perhaps/perhaps not – that’s the unpredictability of having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)]. Oh, deep joy!!!

SHAME ON ME!

10 thoughts on “RUNNING ON EMPTY (CRASHING)

  1. Just take the time you need Ellie – seriously – step back and take care of yourself – for as much as you are indeed a “super woman” you are NOT Superwoman. So, be kind to yourself – and re-focus your needs on where they rightfully belong- on taking the best care of you – because “you” is all you have in ALL your moments – so when you break your connection – you can’t connect with others well, much less with your faith. So, be good and gentle with yourself, yes?
    EllieXXX

    1. Thanks for your wise advice, Mj…..I know you are right (although I’m not sure about being a “super woman”). Today has hurtled spectacularly further downhill, unfortunately so I’d better start learning to dance in those puddles, as Meghan (above) suggested. I will try and be kind to myself but don’t find that easy. Thanks again, Ellie xxx

      1. I too liked Meghan’s words – they sounded fun – and yeah, Monday’s suck. LOL … hugs and light to you. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s