I CAN’T PEOPLE TODAY

My head is completely fucked up today. I wanted to be kind today because that’s how I like to treat people and have been on the whole. I left my Carer a ‘Welcome to my humble abode’ message with a smiley face drawn on the wipe-clean noticeboard in the kitchen and then when she came I could do nothing other than make small talk. I went out this morning and smiled and said “good morning” and “have a nice day” to passers-by on my way to the shops. I decided to leave two sticky-notes saying ‘Hi! Have an awesome day! Love from a stranger xx’, one stuck on the wrapper of a loaf of bread in the supermarket round the corner and the other on a packet of babies disposable nappies in the chemist. My hope was to brighten someone’s day. Then I unintentionally held up a queue of people in a shop because I couldn’t turn my wheelchair round in the small place on the way out and then felt dreadful. I tried out a new cycle path in my wheelchair on the way back from the shops and managed to lose my way (not unusual for me). I looked around and surprisingly, I spotted my neighbours two children not far off (on their bikes) who are twelve and nine. I called out to them and said how silly I was to get lost and bless their hearts, they cycled all the way home with me so I popped out again and got them a Kit-Kat chocolate bar each to say thank you. I arrived home safe and well. I did these things because I wanted to make people happy and not because I want thanks or recognition,

And now, this evening, everything in my head has gone pear-shaped. I am full of self-hatred and anger. I ignored the telephone when it rung and pretended I wasn’t in when a salesman rang the doorbell. I hid as best I could which isn’t easy when your legs don’t work. Suddenly, I don’t want to see anyone; I don’t want to speak to anyone; I don’t want to be with anyone whereas normally I would crave these things. I’m a grumpy old cow this evening. My faith seems to have gone up in smoke. I don’t know what has happened to me today….I know that my moods alter drastically from one moment to the next sometimes and I know that can be caused by my mental health condition, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). But, somehow today, it feels more than that. I don’t want to be; I don’t want to think; I don’t want to talk; I can, thankfully, write today (after a fashion). I just “CAN’T PEOPLE TODAY”. I just can’t do it, be it, see it, hear it, say it, feel it. I don’t want to be part of the world or part of our war-torn, desperately unfair existence, I don’t want to be on this planet or in this universe. I just don’t want to be! ‘STOP THE WORLD, I WANNA GET OFF’. Get me out of here……………

i can't people today

I’m sorry, people x  😦

2 thoughts on “I CAN’T PEOPLE TODAY

  1. Sometimes the hardest thing to figure out is why we swing so suddenly and dramatically – and in your case, having BPD doesn’t make it any easier – but somehow, I think – underneath it all – there is more at play. I suspect that on this day (which has passed) you probably felt a little anxious – the words you mentioned about “only” being able to make “small talk” with your carer – then “causing a scene/hold-up” in the store, because you got stuck – well, these are situations where you can feel silly, out of sorts and when the spotlight shines a little to brightly on you, in a moment, when clearly, you feel less than well. And it lingers.

    Nervousness – anxiety – shyness – and then feeling put on the spot – they can cause the “good feelings” to plummet – making us feel small and foolish.

    It’s not your fault that you got stuck Ellie – these things happen. And in the moment, it’s difficult to keep calm and composed.

    I get really annoyed when at a cash, I fumble with our currency – the paper bills are plasticized – and hard to hold and count out – or when I struggle with change – because my hands are stiff and sore – and people are pushing and in a rush – normally, right then – I want to turn and scream at them – telling them to back the hell off – have patience – that just because I am young and look well – doesn’t mean that everything is ok. And then later, I feel awful – useless and worthless – because I internalize the reaction – and because I haven’t fully accepted my situation. And no, my situation is far less “difficult” than yours – so sweetie, take heart – and continue to be the wonderful, caring, imaginative and creative person you are.

    think about the people who found your notes – and how, they just might have stopped to give them pause think twice …. that’s the beauty of taking chances …. so be fearless my friend – and never give up on being the wonderful and beautiful person you are

    Hugs Ellie XXX

    (and yes, I did receive your email and will be responding in the next few days – explaining things )

  2. You know me so well, my friend, better than I know myself sometimes. You make a lot of sense when I stop and think about it, which I do for sure. I think you are right about that day – I guess it did start off with an undercurrent of tension and anxiety. I also have this inbuilt fear (and conviction) of being ‘a nuisance’ to others and that’s also probably tied into childhood feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem which have been carried forward into my adult life.

    As far as my physical disability is concerned, I feel that I have accepted that for what it is, however that doesn’t stop me being frustrated and angry with myself for ‘messing things up’ as a result of my physical or mental health. I’ve been told that I am my own worst critic!

    I think, in a way I probably have an easier time of it than you do because my disability is visible because when like you, you have silent diseases or conditions, it’s not as obvious to the naked eye and therefore people expect more of you and are even far less tolerant of any difficulties you may have. Society shouldn’t judge by appearances but so often does. Take care of yourself Mj and thank you, I did get your email and will reply as soon as I can. Thank you for for your love and care and such kind thoughts, Hugs, Ellie xxx ❤

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