PIECES OF ME

pieces of me sad girl drawing

It’s taking me a long time to recover from the assault I experienced and wrote about last week which I suppose it to be expected. Although I realize how lucky I am to be still here, I haven’t got over the shock and the awful trauma of it all yet and sometimes I just dissolve into pieces and floods of tears.

I have spent the last week being interviewed by the police in the aftermath of what happened to me.  The Victim Support organization have been in touch too and have offered me one to one emotional support for as long as I need it which I appreciate and need so much right now. My GP and the hospital have been so understanding and are helping me recover, physically from the attack.

However, I’m living in fear each day of every knock on the door, every car that pulls up near my house, every unexpected noise or movement even though I know that this ‘man’ is in police custody and can’t reach me. That doesn’t stop me having nightmares. Nor does it stop the overwhelming flashbacks that are almost as real as the event itself.

I’ve told very few people other than the professionals who are dealing with and supporting me. At some point, I have to tell my family as they have guessed something isn’t right even though the nearest of them lives over 60 km away from me. They suspect something is wrong despite how hard I’ve tried to disguise a cracking voice and although they cannot see my tear-stained face. I didn’t want to tell them…

Echoes from decades ago of the instructions from my father, ‘not to say a word’, ring in my ears. “Don’t tell,” “mustn’t tell,” whisper through the trees even on a night like tonight when a storm is raging outside, the river has swollen, and the crab apple tree in the back garden has come down. The outside world so accurately depicts what’s going on inside my head. My heart thump, thump, thumps on the inside of my chest, threatening to break through the delicate tissue of my breast.

The utter shame I felt as a child has returned although I know, logically, now although not then, that the shame belongs one-hundred percent with the offender and the perpetrator.

Nevertheless, I am still in pieces and will take some time to mend.

 

8 thoughts on “PIECES OF ME

  1. Ellie – I am at such a loss for words – I’ve been reading posts but not answering much or addressing anything in emails …. but I still can’t believe what has happened. And there are no words such as “sorry” that could possibly ease some of the distress, stress and pain.

    I am very happy to hear that support is and has been offered to you – so much happening – so many effects and triggers …. and I know that with everything else going on in your life, it must seem so unbearable. I wish I could give you a real hug – offer my shoulders – my ears …. but know that “virtual” will have to be it …. and that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    time and time and more time …. with proper help and support and therapy … and slowly you WILL get past this ….. I know you will …. because you are a “fighter” … and you are determined to effect positive healthy changes in your life.

    I’m so in awe of you …. being able to reach out … and seek “justice” (whatever the hell that actually means – I don’t know) …. but being to voice the truth of this terrible event … is more than brave; your refusal to remain silent … it speaks volumes about your inner strength ….

    tonnes of gentle hugs Ellie
    xxxx

    1. God almighty! Where was I yesterday when I wrote that first reply yesterday?? I was having a ‘high’ day (BPD) even under the circumstances. Today, I’m frightened and angry. I wish my head would stop messing me about.

      I sort of feel a bit like I’m on another planet really…It’s as if I’m up there somewhere, and far away, looking down on reality and I don’t want to see the reality. Don’t know if I’m making any sense today either. I’m still jumping out of my skin and scared of every noise I hear and every unexpected external movement.

      I sometimes think that justice doesn’t exist in this country – the perpetrator got away with a ‘formal caution’ and a stiff fine!! Despite this, I will voice how I feel and refuse to remain silent. This ‘man’ (if you can call him that), more or less got away with what he did to me and yes, I am so angry. Justice stinks!

      Your hugs are so very welcome and needed, Pat – thank you for understanding and I’m sorry if I’ve been confusing in my replies. Love Ellie xxx

      1. don’t be apologizing for anything …. seriously …. even if it was coming from a BPD high …. you’ve been through more than enough lately …. and I understand …..

        WHAT???????

        sorry – I’m not yelling at you. Cautioned and a fine? For assault?

        WTF!!!????

        okay … right … pardon me while I wander off and swear for some time ….
        okay – get my head on straight here ….

        I just don’t believe this. too much. too awful to consider.

        *heavy sigh*

        right – as difficult as it is … all I can offer is you hugs and love and support – and wish you a continued fighting spirit – no matter how tired you get – how down and depressed – muster that fiery anger and turn it outwards – throw it back at the system (instead of at yourself) – until you – Ellie – have been heard and understood.
        And in the mean time – get as much help and care for yourself as possible – with those who can be trusted – who you know are trustworthy and would never do you wrong like this.

        hugs Ellie
        xxx

    2. Dearest Pat, thank you so much for understanding me in my confusion, despair and anger. Your virtual hugs are so very welcome and comforting particularly at this very moment when I am feeling very vulnerable and panicky. I’m swinging from feeling angry and defiant to feeling defenceless and terrified.

      My Victim Support person who is meant to be offering me one-to-one emotional support hasn’t been in touch yet. I have phoned but they did say they were extremely busy at the moment ( a sign of the times, I guess) but said they will contact me as soon as they can.

      In the meantime, I have to remember in my panic, to —-breathe—-and believe that I will get my confidence and even my occasional joie de vivre back again.

      My love and many hugs for being there, my friend. You mean more to me than you’ll ever know despite being a virtual friend, Ellie xxxx ❤

      1. It’s just never easy …. and when faced with such a terrible and horrible situation …. it’s hard to remember to “breathe” …. and as you say, the support system … well for as much as they mean well … it can be hard ….. so just remember you are stronger than all of this …. and you have the right to a life filled with love and laughter …. one step, small moment and yes, breath, at a time.
        Hugs light and prayers Ellie xxx

      2. Thank you, Pat….although I know you are a ‘virtual’ friend, you are very valued and special and your comments make a lot of difference to me. Bless you, my dear friend. Big Hugs, Ellie xxx

  2. Dear Pat, thank you so, so much for being there for me and for your understanding.Thank you so much for your cyber-hugs which I accept and return to you tenfold. Time will tell what ‘justice’ is supposed to be and I WILL fight and I WON’T be defeated. I’m getting past the shock stage and getting into the angry stage and I’m saying to myself…..”Don’t let the b@stards get you down!” (I’m very up and down in truth). I’ll bounce back though with a bit of time. Big hugs to you, Pat xxxxx

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