BRITTLE

anime sad girl

(Image sourced at Bing Images)

This poem is one that I wrote many years ago before I started writing this blog. Forgive me if it comes across as a little immature. That is because I was young when I first wrote it but somehow, today it seems particularly relevant to how I’m feeling. So much has gone in my life recently, it’s becoming difficult to keep track of it all. It is partly for this reason that I am thankful for my blog. I can write honestly and openly at last. For a child who was (and has been since), so severely abused, I was silenced for too many years, and it was during those years that most of the damage was done.

The majority of the time, I can say I’ve ‘moved on’ but every once in a while something comes along to drag me back into that dark and lonely place again where I feel as if you were to take my arm, however gently, I would fracture into a million pieces.

I was born three weeks early, weighing just under 5lb (considered quite premature back then bearing in mind that I now have four very young grandchildren). When I was born, I somehow knew that I was not meant to be here – that I was too fragile for this world. I knew that before I knew about things such as war, famine, abuse, murder, theft and more … I still know it now – one day I shall not be here … and that too will be ok …

BRITTLE

I wish I could tell you I was different then
That I was happy, content, just a child
But even in those early growing years
I knew something was brittle

I wish I could tell you it’s because of divorce
Or a car crash, a scene, a fight in between
But even when day dawns, light filters through
There was too much of my mind

I wish I could tell you it was society
Put it down to one event, let it be
But there is reason behind me
I am just this way; I was made brittle

I was brittle before I reached the age of one
Before my first dark, grim nightmares
Before the first small guilty bruises of my youth
I was already brittle in my mother’s belly

I tried to soothe my mind with a music box fairy
Broken promises, dusty, stained wishes
But I am brittle
So take my hand, gently, as I am liable to fracture.

© Brittle – copyright Ellie Sofia Thompson 2015

Post Script

I have added this postscript the morning after writing the above post.  I just want to add that despite my challenges in life, which we all have to face, I have no intention of giving up but shall continue to live as the strong person I know and have been told I am inside. Although I may be brittle at times, I will not give up.

8 thoughts on “BRITTLE

    1. Thank you, Bun, for your comment. I was feeling pretty low when I wrote the post that accompanies this poem. I have now, the next morning when I feeling a little less negative added a post script to this particular post to express the fact that I am not giving up yet but will continue to fight and face my challenges and live the life I know I am capable of living, Ellie x 🙂

      1. I’m glad you’re feeling a bit less negative now. Incidentally, thanks for your message the other day. Hope my reply made sense and wasn’t too rambling. 🙂

  1. I’m glad that you felt “safe” enough to share your thoughts – even from long ago – here, now – because they still have relevance, in moments. And no Ellie, this is not an “immature” piece …. it speaks of your sensitivity and gift for a deeper understanding of life and the human condition, even when much younger.

    And I’m glad that you still feel that you can move on and through …. yes, we continue to walk the “recovery road” and sometimes, it’s less than easy … and we feel like our cries fall on deaf ears, our pleas smash back at us, stinging wounds open ….. but somehow …. we have hope …. and I’m not sure why or what the spark is … or why we believe and choose, but we do …. to continue …. to overcome and shine …. just as we are …. and perhaps, that is all we can be grateful for, in the moment.

    Hugs Ellie xxxx

    1. Thank you, Pat. It’s people like you who understand what I write so well, that make me feel safe enough to write how I truly feel. Strangely, today I feel very angry; very angry at the world and at myself. I don’t know why. I feel I want to rant and rave, but I don’t think it would make for very interesting reading.

      Fondest hugs for you Pat, my dear friend,
      With Love, Ellie xxx ❤

      1. Well sometimes venting is the best medicine … even if you think it’s counterproductive …. because anger needs a “healthy” outlet …. and sometimes …. as the words and thoughts spill out …. the “insights” come shining in …. but you have to be willing to “want it” …. or … sometimes, it’s simply just a way of blowing off the steam …. the pressure valve release.

        Hugs Ellie xxx

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