THE FINAL GRENADE

explosion mind

I am waiting for an explosion
But I don’t know when it’ll be
Somehow I have to be ready
But I don’t have the strategy

I’m dreading the mess it will make
Of both my body and mind
Because when the explosion comes
They’ll be nothing left behind

I’m holding a hand grenade
And haven’t yet pulled the pin
But when it blows, it will release
The tumult and chaos within

I don’t think I can cope with more
It’s becoming too much of a strain
It’s messing with my head
And eating away at my brain

A hand grenade is dangerous
Armies use them in war
I’m standing here holding it gingerly
I feel I can’t take any more

I can feel the grenade rumbling
I can hear the tick of a clock
Counting down the minutes
I can’t avoid the stumbling blocks

I am poised here, anxiously waiting
And really don’t think I can cope
I am sweating and terribly frightened
I am losing my grip on hope

In angst, I watch the grenade
I haven’t yet pulled the pin
But I know that it’s not a dud
This device is genuine

I cannot preserve my life
To learn how to simply enjoy
Because this grenade I’m holding
Is set and primed to destroy

At my birth, already a risk
Due to persistent lack of affection
It was always destined to be this way
No matter how much circumspection

The tick, tick, tick of the clock
Any minute it threatens to blow
It’s going to cause total destruction
My lifespan was set long ago.

© Copyright Elliesofia: elliethompson.wordpress.com 2016

11 thoughts on “THE FINAL GRENADE

  1. this is a brilliantly written piece Ellie – and I hope, if you have been feeling particularly down – that allowing yourself to express your thoughts has helped as a release …

    hugs to you XXX

    1. Thank you so much, Pat, for the much appreciated and much needed hugs. I plummeted yesterday, right to the bottom. But, as is often the case with BPD, some days it feels like it can’t get any worse and then, just as rapidly, I can shoot to the top again.

      I’m feeling a bit brighter today. Yes, writing that piece was somewhat of a release and that did help lift me after a while. Love to you, Pat, Ellie xxx ❤

    1. Thank you, Carol anne, for understanding and for your truly appreciated hugs. At times like yesterday, it is good to remember to breathe, as you say and I need to remember to practice my mindfulness too. Thankfully, I am feeling a bit better today. Hugs, Ellie xxx ❤

    1. Thanks, Mick. I had a particularly bad day yesterday but as is the nature of BPD, I have surfaced a bit today. BPD completely wrecks my mood stability but it could be worse.

      Thank you for your appreciation and care x

  2. Ellie, I like this as a piece of poetry, but I’m worried to think you might really be feeling this down at the moment. Has there been any movement with the volunteering that you were thinking of doing? Getting out and helping others in the community might lighten your spirits a little too. (Not to mention the fact that Charlie could probably do with a bit of exercise!)

    Sending tons of positive thoughts your way! 🙂

    Bun

    1. Thank you for your positive thoughts sent my way, Bun. They are much appreciated as I had a particularly bad day yesterday. As is the nature of BPD, I do plummet right to the bottom some days but can come up just as quickly, thankfully.

      Thanks for asking about my volunteering – yes; in fact, I start back on the 4th February for 6 weeks so I’m sure that will help too.

      Charlie, is, as always, keen to have his regular exercise so the volunteering, which is at my university will be appreciated by him too! x 🙂

      1. I’m sorry to hear about your bad day. I hate bad days too. Those things are a real menace. It’s great that you’re volunteering will be starting soon, though. I hope it’s a lot of fun. 🙂

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