CHAMELEON SKIN – TAKE 2

chameleon_2048x1152

I intended to write a post today about my son’s final court hearing regarding custody of his children which took place this week but I thought it appropriate, following on from last week’s post, to republish this poem because it explains so well how I feel so much of the time.

When I ‘depend’ on any given person, I become someone who moulds myself into whatever character I think that ‘given’ person wants me to be. In other words, I have become, unwittingly and unintentionally, a chameleon to fit whatever role I think is required. This is an instant response and not something that I have control over yet (although I’m working on it in therapy),  and it is actually totally exhausting as I automatically become an ‘actor’, albeit an unwilling one – it’s really hard work, mentally, pleasing and fitting in with everyone (people-pleasing in a way). This is a desperate attempt to ensure that the person on whom I depend likes/loves me enough that they won’t leave me because, without them, I don’t know how or who to be and feel helpless and abandoned.  I’m aware that this all sounds somewhat pathetic but, for me, it is not only a symptom of my BPD and DPD but the only way I know to survive in my world.

The biggest problem occurs if I find myself with more than one person that I know and they know me, which obviously does happen sometimes, my mind and my body (as in body language) don’t know how or who to be and I usually either end up confused, very stressed and muddled and find an excuse to leave the situation.

 

CHAMELEON SKIN

She is what she is … or is she, indeed?

She’s perplexed, befuddled, embroiled

Lost her mind along enmeshed journeys

She belongs, does she not to this world?

~~~

Is she real or a trickster, a fraud inside?

Not knowing her mind, too caught up in lies

Or perhaps, revealing her open wounds

You win some, you lose some, just look in her eyes

~~~

She’s not without fear though she’s scared of the thrill

The rollercoaster won’t come to an end

She writes her life’s story in ink, so black

You may wonder how her thoughts are penned

~~~

Innocence seen, and innocence gone

A fight in a nightmare; she holds her breath

The howls can be heard from far away

Will she ever return from the brink of death

~~~

You know her, you don’t, you think that you may

She’s a friend, a soldier, blood-kin

She lives or she dies; knowing the shadow side

Unknown, she wears her chameleon skin.

I’ve republished this poem with its image at the top of the page, not because I can’t be bothered to write a different post (as I will write about my son next), but because, as explained last week, this subject is playing very heavily on my mind at the moment and at times, I am very trapped by my own thoughts and need to write. Therefore, please forgive me for ‘rehashing’ a previous post, especially if you read it when I published it back in February 2016, but there is a specific reason (as explained) for doing so at this time.

A final thought: Is there a bit of a chameleon in each one of us if we look carefully enough at ourselves?

Edit: Taking the form of a chameleon is a very common aspect/symptom in people who have BPD or DPD.

9 thoughts on “CHAMELEON SKIN – TAKE 2

  1. There is certainly that inside us all, Ellie. Every one of us acts that way at times, in a greater or lesser way. I think if you feel particularly vulnerable, then I imagine it must both feel as though you act that way more than you perhaps are, but also that it becomes almost a survival skill.

    And the poem is excellent!

  2. Hi Ellie, Sorry I haven’t commented for a while. I’ve been so busy, I’ve barely had time to go near WordPress. In fact, this is the very first blog post I’ve looked at in about a month!

    I remember reading and being impressed by this poem when you posted it some time ago. I can imagine how exhausting it must be to slip into a different role depending on who you are speaking to.

    Incidentally, I’m very sorry to hear about your son’s continuing custody battle. I wish him the best of luck at his court hearing.

    1. Hi Bun. Good to have you back. Hope your time away from WordPress wasn’t too stressful. I’ve missed your posts. Thanks for your comment – it is very exhausting, never really knowing who I am. Thanks for your good wishes for Tom – The outcome of the court case wasn’t particularly good – I wrote a post about it last night.

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