WATCH ME GO!

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(Image courtesy of indoortrainingbikes.com – Bing Images)

I haven’t said much about trying to improve my fitness at the gym for a good while now. The last post I wrote, WORKING OUT, about it was over a year ago and you can read it here: https://elliethompson.wordpress.com/2017/06/17/working-out/ if you want to find out where I started from. It has been up to now a very personal journey.

When I started out, I wasn’t even able to get changed without the assistance of a carer, who I didn’t have with me at the time. I was lifting pencil-like weights in an attempt to strengthen the muscles in my arms, and then recovering by downing a smoothie in the fitness centre’s cafe. That was about my limit back then.

Since then, I’ve been going a couple of times a week, fitting it in between college, my voluntary work at Uni, living my daily life, leisure times, chilling out etc. I can honestly say that I do thoroughly enjoy what I do (and I know I am lucky to be able to say that now. Those of you who know me from even a year or so back will know that it hasn’t always been like this, particularly from my mental health perspective). I’m not saying that there won’t be other difficult times ahead, but I feel more able to deal with them now.

Going back to my post … my gym training has really paid off, and I’m so pleased it has. I can now get changed by myself in the disabled shower and changing room. I’m much stronger. My arms, which were struggling with small efforts, can now take my weight and I can lift myself up out of my chair which is allowing me to stand more easily. My back and shoulders are straighter and my neck no longer needs a support. Even my legs are getting stronger (after all these years of thinking I couldn’t do it). Finally, today, I reached my first big milestone! I managed (with very little assistance) to get on an exercise bike and I was even able to push the pedals around very slowly. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am! 🙂 My next aim is to walk with the aid of crutches, and what’s more, I know I can get there.  You just watch me!! 🙂

 

 

THE FINAL GRENADE

explosion mind

I am waiting for an explosion
But I don’t know when it’ll be
Somehow I have to be ready
But I don’t have the strategy

I’m dreading the mess it will make
Of both my body and mind
Because when the explosion comes
They’ll be nothing left behind

I’m holding a hand grenade
And haven’t yet pulled the pin
But when it blows, it will release
The tumult and chaos within

I don’t think I can cope with more
It’s becoming too much of a strain
It’s messing with my head
And eating away at my brain

A hand grenade is dangerous
Armies use them in war
I’m standing here holding it gingerly
I feel I can’t take any more

I can feel the grenade rumbling
I can hear the tick of a clock
Counting down the minutes
I can’t avoid the stumbling blocks

I am poised here, anxiously waiting
And really don’t think I can cope
I am sweating and terribly frightened
I am losing my grip on hope

In angst, I watch the grenade
I haven’t yet pulled the pin
But I know that it’s not a dud
This device is genuine

I cannot preserve my life
To learn how to simply enjoy
Because this grenade I’m holding
Is set and primed to destroy

At my birth, already a risk
Due to persistent lack of affection
It was always destined to be this way
No matter how much circumspection

The tick, tick, tick of the clock
Any minute it threatens to blow
It’s going to cause total destruction
My lifespan was set long ago.

© Copyright Elliesofia: elliethompson.wordpress.com 2016

STRONGER THAN THIS …

broken chain

I thought I was stronger than this but I’m crumbling albeit slowly but very definitely, nevertheless. Little pieces of me are starting to fall and land at my feet like stones tumbling down a mountainside. My head feels as if it is less firmly rooted on my spine than it ought to be and as if all that is holding it there is a piece of stretched knitting yarn. My vision has now become blurred and my eyesight, dim. My skin falls in flakes around me on the floor giving the appearance of a light snow storm on the mid blue carpet, and my hair has become thinner in places, exposing patches of a shiny white scalp beneath.

I didn’t think it was possible for a human being to disintegrate before their own eyes, or perhaps I’m only just on the outside looking inwards. Is there is fur in my arteries and knots in my veins? The tendons of my limbs contract uncontrollably and my bones crack, oh, so painfully. My brain cells are diminishing in number as the clock on the kitchen wall ticks the seconds away. “Why is this happening to me?”, what few of them I have left are screaming at me.

“This punishment”, I hear calling from the distance; “this is happening to you because you are inherently evil”, a voice reverberates through my mind. The words etched in each ripple of thought that flows from the centre of my skull.

I wake in the night, screaming for some crumb of comfort that is no longer there or available. I realize that I am alone, completely and utterly alone in the pitch black night. It’s cold, and I am shivering as I grasp at my red fleece blanket that covers the duvet that has slipped from my bed to the floor.

I find myself thinking back on the day that has just past – it has been a nightmare. My mum had her ultrasound scan today that has showed her cancer has returned – I’m the only one she has told so far tonight; she is in a state of shock and I am utterly devastated. The hospital is reluctant to try chemo or radiotherapy given my mum’s age and vulnerable state of general health.

My dear son, Tom, returned earlier today from his first holiday away with his children alone only to find that burglars have got into his home. We don’t know the full scale of the losses or damage done to the property and its contents yet but it is heartbreaking.

My best friend has quite unexpectedly, and unjustly lost her job and her union are claiming for unfair dismissal.

My daughter hasn’t spoken to me since my recent assault and I can’t find out why. I’m also still waiting for support from the Victim Support Agency but have heard nothing since the attack and am not coping very well.

I have had to pay for a new pair of glasses this week and am now unable to pay the mortgage this month but that is the least of my worries.

I just want to scream, “Stop the world; I want to get off”, but that would be selfish of me. My support (for what it is worth), is much needed by my loved ones around me at a time like this and I tell myself, “I thought I was stronger than this, but I am crumbling….”

It is dark in my bedroom – I reach for the light somehow hoping that all this will have been a bad dream. I am cold. I am alone. I am very scared.

 

 

THE THERAPIST WHO CAUSED DAMAGE….MY ANGER!

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(Image credit – Pinterest)

I went to therapy this morning. I’m still dealing with the aftermath that my last counsellor, ‘J’ did to me for eight years, My current therapist, ‘T’ suggested a write an unsent letter to her because I am so angry and need to get it out somehow because it is poisoning me.

I can’t believe that she did so much harm and damage in hindsight, and yet she is still practicing privately and potentially harming other vulnerable people. I loved J even more than my own Mum and that’s not right for a start. It was because she would cuddle me, hold my hand when I was upset and we always had a long hug hello and goodbye.

In between those three days a week (which is also wrong in counseling), we used to text each other and there were phone calls, cards and presents! Not good, I know now. She made me  totally dependant on her. I dropped all my friends, hardly spoke to my family and couldn’t sneeze without her permission!!

It became a very codependent relationship (also wrong) where she needed me as much as I needed her. She told me about her private life and that was sexually abused as a child too. I think now, that she was trying to work through her own issues through me.

I saw her for an hour three days every week and was getting into debt, paying for it, to say nothing of the taxi fare there and back as my disability was beginning to worsen at that time and there was no other way I could get there. I worked out that I spent more than £30,000 going there over those years!!! That was all my Disability Benefit gone every week, plus skipping out on a lot of food and then becoming anorexic, plus I had to work part-time to make up the money, and was trying to raise two children at the same time. No wonder I have two very dysfunctional adult children who won’t have anything to do with me, thereby depriving me of seeing my three granddaughters.

I don’t yet know how much physical damage I’ve done to my body because of all those pills. Personally, I think they damaged my nerve ending in my spine and other places, thereby causing my disability. I can’t be sure of course, I’m just taking a partly-educated guess. I don’t yet know what toll all that has taken oN my other organs, i.e., my liver, heart and kidneys.

J STOLE EIGHT YEARS OF MY LIFE; WOULDN’T ALLOW ME TO ‘MOVE ON’, AND I VERY NEARLY ENDED MY LIFE AND THEN WOULDN’T BE HERE TO WRITE THIS TODAY.

I GOING TO STOP HERE BECAUSE I AM TOO ANGRY TO WRITE ANY MORE AND I COULD GO ON FOR A LOT LONGER BUT THAT WOULD BECOME DEADLY BORING FOR YOU TO READ, (IF YOU GET THIS FAR) AND I THANK YOU HAVE STUCK IT OUT TILL THE END). (I AM EXHAUSTED NOW).