BOWING OUT?

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It’s been a while since I posted (again). I’m finding it more and more challenging to keep up with my blog, and to read my fellow WordPress friend’s blogs too. I’ve been writing here for almost five years now and have published no less than 344 posts. I checked this fact and was quite amazed that I’d been able to write so much.

When I first started writing it was all about my mental health and my history of abuse. I don’t need to go there anymore (thank goodness), and I thankfully, don’t live in that world now either.

I’ve moved on a long, long way since then. I’m busy – a never stop kind of busy which is fine by me. I’m finally enjoying my life and doing so many things that I enjoy and that are enriching my life; expanding my thoughts and opinions; bringing peace to my soul and joy to my heart. I am fortunate enough to be able to listen to music that I like and read books that interest me. I’m finally happy.

I’m still volunteering at the university, and I’m continuing my studies. I’m going to the gym regularly, and I see significant progress in my mobility. I’m able to walk a few steps unaided now, only indoors as it’s not safe for me to walk outdoors without support because my bones are so fragile that if I fell on the concrete, I’d possibly permanently damage myself. The last thing I need is to have to go back with my progress, so I’m ultra-ultra careful.

This is all leading up to the fact that I may have to bow out of the world of WordPress. I’ve tried (and managed for a short while) to write more regularly, but seem to always fail abysmally. I often burn the midnight oil, and I am in fact burning the candle at both ends. As it is, I’m writing this at three o’clock in the morning! Not good as I’ll regret not going to bed when I see the breaking of the sun.

I still so enjoy my writing, but somehow, it doesn’t seem right to pour my thoughts out on paper (or rather, on my laptop) and expect others to be interested when I cannot reciprocate this. And so, I’m seriously thinking of bowing out. Any constructive comments, views, and advice very welcome. Thank you, friends, Ellie x

A NEW START

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Yesterday, I was jolted back to my neglected blog which is how come I’m here now after such a long break. I had an email from WordPress telling me that my annual payment was due on my blog plan which happened to be a ‘Premium’ plan. This had given me more options when it came to the look of my blog and the features and widgets that I could use. Unfortunately, my financial position isn’t brilliant, and I’m not able to afford the fee, hence my new look. It’s much simpler which feels quite different, but I think I’ll get used to it.

I’ve also decided to update and replace my gravatar. I’ve chosen a more adult image (above) rather than a picture of a young and rather sorry-looking child (below). This previous image was suitable for my blog when I started writing four years ago. Back then, I was writing mostly about my severe abuse in childhood and all the ensuing serious mental health illnesses I had. Fortunately, I’ve moved on from that period in my life – I don’t feel the need to share all those very distressing life experiences.

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I want to get myself out the negative mindset I connect with this childish image. Maybe, this will give me the incentive, and added confidence I need to write more positively and frequently. To use a chlichéd phrase, ‘watch this space’, (but don’t hold your breath either!).  😉

A new start?

 

CHAMELEON SKIN – TAKE 2

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I intended to write a post today about my son’s final court hearing regarding custody of his children which took place this week but I thought it appropriate, following on from last week’s post, to republish this poem because it explains so well how I feel so much of the time.

When I ‘depend’ on any given person, I become someone who moulds myself into whatever character I think that ‘given’ person wants me to be. In other words, I have become, unwittingly and unintentionally, a chameleon to fit whatever role I think is required. This is an instant response and not something that I have control over yet (although I’m working on it in therapy),  and it is actually totally exhausting as I automatically become an ‘actor’, albeit an unwilling one – it’s really hard work, mentally, pleasing and fitting in with everyone (people-pleasing in a way). This is a desperate attempt to ensure that the person on whom I depend likes/loves me enough that they won’t leave me because, without them, I don’t know how or who to be and feel helpless and abandoned.  I’m aware that this all sounds somewhat pathetic but, for me, it is not only a symptom of my BPD and DPD but the only way I know to survive in my world.

The biggest problem occurs if I find myself with more than one person that I know and they know me, which obviously does happen sometimes, my mind and my body (as in body language) don’t know how or who to be and I usually either end up confused, very stressed and muddled and find an excuse to leave the situation.

 

CHAMELEON SKIN

She is what she is … or is she, indeed?

She’s perplexed, befuddled, embroiled

Lost her mind along enmeshed journeys

She belongs, does she not to this world?

~~~

Is she real or a trickster, a fraud inside?

Not knowing her mind, too caught up in lies

Or perhaps, revealing her open wounds

You win some, you lose some, just look in her eyes

~~~

She’s not without fear though she’s scared of the thrill

The rollercoaster won’t come to an end

She writes her life’s story in ink, so black

You may wonder how her thoughts are penned

~~~

Innocence seen, and innocence gone

A fight in a nightmare; she holds her breath

The howls can be heard from far away

Will she ever return from the brink of death

~~~

You know her, you don’t, you think that you may

She’s a friend, a soldier, blood-kin

She lives or she dies; knowing the shadow side

Unknown, she wears her chameleon skin.

I’ve republished this poem with its image at the top of the page, not because I can’t be bothered to write a different post (as I will write about my son next), but because, as explained last week, this subject is playing very heavily on my mind at the moment and at times, I am very trapped by my own thoughts and need to write. Therefore, please forgive me for ‘rehashing’ a previous post, especially if you read it when I published it back in February 2016, but there is a specific reason (as explained) for doing so at this time.

A final thought: Is there a bit of a chameleon in each one of us if we look carefully enough at ourselves?

Edit: Taking the form of a chameleon is a very common aspect/symptom in people who have BPD or DPD.

THE END OF MY ROPE…..(IDENTITIES)

‘I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once’.  ~Jennifer Yane

It’s been one of those days today when I really feel that I’ve reached the end of my rope. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong (probably not helped by the fact that I only had four hours sleep last night). My carer was late getting to me, my home-help was late coming and my Support Worker was even later. This was coupled with goodness knows how many other negative occurrences during the day :(. And then I went to therapy….and it all fell out, and kept falling out….all the stuff that is going round in my head; my children, my grandchildren (or lack of in both cases); my anger at my abusive therapist who for eight years, managed to completely fuck my life up. It was only because of her that my self-harming got worse, I started drinking (now teetotal, thank goodness), I was taking drugs, I was attempting suicide every time she didn’t reply to a text of answer the phone (she made me so totally dependant on her. I am soooo angry with her! ); all my childhood and adult sexual abuse; my abusive relationships; my dysfunctional relationships and family etc, etc.

And I didn’t want to eat and the chemist was late delivering today’s medication….and I’m exhausted. I tried phoning my CPN which is what I am supposed to do at times like these only to be told she was out but I could talk to ‘Duty’ only then to be told there was no-one from ‘Duty’ there! A fat lot of help that is in a crisis.

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And the crux of the matter is that I have too many identities and can’t keep track of them all and feel completely shattered and fragmented. I have my five ‘people’ (personalities) in my head who have always been there…(B…,F…,M…,S…,E…). But then on top of that I have other identities in the life of Facebook, WordPress and reality. Altogether there are eleven identities – that’s a lot to keep track of and a lot of personas to deal with. In real life I am J…M but I want to change my name by deed poll to my blog name of Ellie T. (which fits me best). Then there is an old FB name I invented in an attempt to run away from myself, C…C… which is still alive but not active. And then last week I decided, in a rash and uncontrollable way, to delete my entire J….M account, losing all my pics, photos, friends, contacts, posts etc. I just obliterated about seven years worth of  my life with one click of a key. I then opened a new account, this time in the name of J…C…S…. Now, I have to make sure I don’t slip up and mix the three FB bods up, not ever having a photo of myself on my profile (no great loss there then and did everyone else a favour too).

And as if they weren’t enough, I have three pseudonyms which I publish my books under, S…B…, E…T… and M..T….

W…H…Y???!!! Why the hell do I have to be eleven different people?! I can’t cope with it anymore. It’s all getting too much. Stop the world, I wanna get off….I want to get out of my head; run away; escape; disappear forever; dissolve; die etc. As I quoted at the beginning of this long and boring post: ‘I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once’.  ~Jennifer Yane

Today is not a good day!

WHO AM I REALLY?

Well, I know it’s been a while since I’ve been here but it feels good to be back although whether or not I can write anything of interest remains to be seen. I’ve been more than a bit bogged down with the usual family issues resulting in my FB account being hacked by a member of my family (although I do not have any concrete proof of that….yet!). As a result I’ve had to entirely delete my existing FB account, thereby (for anyone who knows ‘FB speak’), wiping out all of my ‘Friends’, ‘Likes’, ‘Timeline’ etc. Hence my name has disappeared from the screens of FB forever.

So, I had to come up with a pseudonym to start a new account which has been fraught with difficulties. I am now a stranger amongst previous friends who longer recognize me in my new guise as J…C…S… as they’ve known me as J…M…. for many years. And yet, here in Blogland I am known as Ellie Sofia. If all this sounds confusing, it is. And on top of which I have my separate identities within my identities…..my ‘people’ in my head (my dissociative disorder). So, who the hell am? !

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Just to complicate matters, I am also the me who goes to college, the me who goes to church, the me that my carers know, the me that looks after my mum from afar to the best of my disability, the me that is a mum and a nanny, not that you’d know it due to the long-term lack of contact with my son and daughter. All are ‘me’ to the naked eye, the one person, the whole being, but scratch below the surface and you’ll find a multitude of me’s inside who all have very different personalities, hence my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Disorder to name but a few!

And if I don’t know ‘me’, why the hell should I expect anyone else to know or see or hear the real me (whoever that is)? I think, probably, here in WordPress, I can be more my true self because it is safe, I am hidden from the outside world (apart from the general public, that is) but here we are all strangers to each other and yet ‘friends’ at the same time. I think I have more supportive friends in blogland than I do in real life and feel I have built up a rapport with you all and that I ‘know’ you although the majority of us are hiding behind masks anyway. But, nevertheless, I thank you all from the bottom of my hearts! x

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